Hard does not equal Can’t

One of the things that is helpful about having an official diagnosis with kiddo and her issues is that it helps things make sense sometimes.

The smaller pieces that seem unrelated show their place in the big picture more easily. Reading back over old posts to adjust to the new categories made me realize a lot of things that connect without my realizing it at the time.

But the bad side… the biggest bad side for us so far anyway… is the issue of “can’t” vs “isn’t trying”

The label turns into a scapegoat… that she then tries to use and claim she isn’t capable of things which are harder for her… rather than putting any effort at all into trying.

Bad behavior goes from something that she could do better if she focused on trying to do better, and now becomes something that she likes to claim she has absolutely no control over.

There’s still a spectrum… yes some things are asking too much, and yes some things are more effort than they are worth and thus better avoided. But there’s still a lot of room in the “could do if wanted to, but would rather not” grey area that I know better than to believe is unreasonable to ask, but get nowhere with convincing her otherwise.

It’s frustrating me greatly sometimes trying to get her to understand the difference. But even more so when sometimes others in her world don’t seem to get it either.

Big ticket worries

When it comes to worries, I’ve noticed lately a bit of a shift.

I’ve started worrying less over the day to day provision… even if it’s meant way more meals of spaghetti, and mac and cheese, and grilled cheese, and scrambled eggs…. and anything else extremely cheap than I would like.

And I’m getting over worrying as much about the month to month provision… though sometimes how the bills are going to get paid is still a question, I have at least some small degree of confidence that either they will or we will make due without.

But now there’s sort of a shift towards the big ticket provision.

Up to this point, there have been a lot of things that have only been minor repair worries. But now, as I’m getting closer to 2 1/2 years with no real flexible income, it’s sort of becoming more of a worry.

Especially with the prospect of it being 3 more years before stable income happens.

I’m thrown enough of a loop with having to replace a tire. But do I trust my car to reliably last 3 more years without major repairs?
On a 11 year old car with over 100k miles? No… I’ve got enough common sense to know that things will go wrong in that time.
Do I have any idea how I’d pull off paying to fix them? Not a clue.
Do I trust that transportation will be taken care of? I know that I should… but its still on the worry list.

My computer is another one. It’s 4 years old now. I’ve gotten through the past few years with only one repair that was something simple enough I could do it myself, even with as big of a pain as macbooks can be to take apart.
Do I trust it to make it to 3 more years? NO way!
Seriously, I had trouble juggling even to replace the cord when it went out recently… and I know from the display acting a bit goofy that there’s another repair in the near future that is hugely costly in the shop… but one of the pretty high difficulty level ones to fix on my own.
Could I make it through 2 more years of classes without having a computer for internet access and typing papers? Well, I was a bit amazed how much I actually could do on my phone when I had to… but it’s still a really big stretch with some classes.

It’s just so much easier to trust that spaghetti will turn up than it is to trust that a computer or a car repair will.

Restless yet unmotivated

Sort of a weird spell has set in the past week or so.

It’s part restlessness… a feeling like i still need to be running in circles trying to get things done like things were during a lot of the last semester.

And yet, i don’t particularly feel like getting anything done.

Lots to do… but nothing critical that has-to-be-done-now…

End result being lots of partially done projects that were lacking the motivation to be completely followed through.

I really ought to finish up all of them, some of them, any of them, while I have the down time.

And yet… even reading just isn’t that appealing right now.

But doing nothing at all drives me just as nuts, because I know I need to be doing something.

Just sort of a weird pulled in two directions spell.

There are no book 5′s

As a Christian from a non-religious family, it sometimes gives me a touch of amusement, and note of differences time makes, when religious things come up slightly off.

My favorite one is usually when one particular family member brought a tiny print king james version bible into my room and complained that they couldn’t find genesis and asked if I had a newer one that had it.

The other day, someone told me they were positive a particular verse was in 5th corinthians.

I think I’m glad there’s only two corinthians books. 5 would totally get confusing on which was which.

Though, I did know what chapter of first corinthians the part of a verse was actually from to get it for them. (And no, it wasn’t 5.)

Sometimes I forget… how much I didn’t know… and how time changes.

Hard day

Hard day emotionally around here.

Funeral for grandma is tomorrow, so things are of course drama with the family, mostly over money things right now.

But harder on me right now anyway was having to go re-enroll in a state sponsored job program I’d tried once before right after Boo was born.

Essentially, they help you do the basic job search stuff like write resumes and cover letters that’s generally stuff a lot of people already know how to do. But, the biggest help is that they essentially badger places on your behalf, and try and pull any strings they have with any particular companies. They also request that you put the instructors as your references so that they can hype all they can to anyone calling for references. Then they get state funding, which I’ve heard both ways as to whether or not it’s based on their success rate.

So it’s basically jumping through hoops and sitting through classes that seem really obvious in exchange for having them hype employers in your favor.

Not an awful thing… just sort of frustrating to be at the point where that’s my best idea.

It’s just one of those times where I feel like everything I’ve tried to do with life has been an utter and complete failure. Wasn’t going to college and gaining office and customer service skills supposed to lead to a path that went the opposite direction as where I’ve been stuck?

Talking to the career counselor didn’t help me feel any better. She was professional, not rude or especially harsh… but she still seemed like she thought since I had a college degree I just must not be trying hard enough. Told me I might have to make peace with settling for something less than I’d been paid before, and something outside my degree field. AS IF I HAVEN’T TRIED THAT?!?!

I pointed out that I couldn’t even get them to hire me for a 2 month minimum wage position watering plants and running a cash register. And I do now remember this being a bit of a point with them before too, as the vast majority of their people at that time were high school grads if that, and sometimes it seemed like they got a lot more credit for less success.

She asked me why I thought I wasn’t being hired.

I told her that what I’ve heard from most people who’ve been willing to tell me why they didn’t hire me was a lack of experience. I’ve got two to three years per job, but in 4 vastly different areas.

She responded, yup, it’s all disjointed, you need to learn to find a job and keep it. Again… as if this was news to me… as if I had just gotten bored and quit. Even after she’d gone over my work history and knew that the only one that was semi-voluntary ended was after doctors advice and with the knowledge that my wrist issue was not going to get better or be out of pain until I did.

And then I went there and addressed the elephant in the room (literally? lol) and admitted that I’m suspicious the reason I don’t get hired for the more physical stuff is being a fat girl. Would I have been hired for the plant job had I been skinny or a guy? Or the retail jobs that mention lifting requirements?

Maybe…. maybe not. Hard to even know for sure, but sometimes it does seem logical… especially with some of the jobs that include stocking things and other physical tasks.

Can I do the tasks? Yes, easily. Do they see a fat girl and assume she’s weak, lazy, less than capable? It’s more possible than I usually want to admit.

She didn’t say a word. Don’t know if that means she wrote it off as another excuse, or if she agreed and didn’t have an answer.

When she pulled my file from last time, she glanced through the paperwork, including a bound booklet that had maybe 30-40 pages in it. Only then did I remember that last time they made me go through a really long really extensive psych eval before the program. Like full day of testing, plus more than an hour talking to someone on a different day.

She vaguely mentioned it “not showing any issues related to employment”. Which is really making me wonder what exactly that thing says!

Not like I don’t realize I’ve got my issues…. but I’d still love to see what it came up with…

Especially since at the time I was a new single mother, on welfare, having left a relationship that was abusive and involved drug use, having had a very serious 3 year relationship end just a bit over a year earlier in a very messy way, and in a messy family situation.

Since it didn’t show any employment related issues they aren’t making me repeat it even though its closer to a decade old than it is to current. I almost wish they would’ve wanted to repeat it.

I’d like to think I’m a great deal more secure and stable emotionally.

But then, right now might not have been the best time to prove that point… as I did end up crying most of the way home.

The dead tree of spite.

My yard has a single sad tree.

(Pic from the short summer non-sad spell)

It’s the last one on the block to get leaves in the spring, and the first one to drop them all in the fall… so it spends much of its time looking bare and sad while the other trees around here have plenty of green.

My mom’s house 2 doors down has 3 large trees taller than the house, including 2 that were survivors of the tornado about 15 years ago that took out most of the older trees in this area. Their garage got destroyed, but the “hopping” meant that the two big trees just got their upper half buzzed off, and both have recovered to where you can’t even tell anymore

So, two summers ago my mom didn’t clear out the yard over the summer, and they ended up with 3 different volunteer trees growing in their yard close to the house that never got removed.

They had gotten big enough to not be easily pulled out, but they were too close to the foundation to just let them grow where they were and keep as trees.

So it was decided that they would be brought down here and transplanted.

Which didn’t happen the next spring when it was supposed to.

Or the summer.

And so when spring rolled around again, there was nagging (not by me) to my stepdad that these trees needed to be moved this year.

And spring started to wrap up… past the time when they should have been moved.

And the nagging continued.

And so, my stepdad declared one afternoon that he had tried but couldn’t get the trees dug up to move them, and so he had gotten the tree trimmers and cut two of them off at the ground and then dumped roundup on them.

But the third he couldn’t get to cut. So he dug it out. (Wait, you thought he couldn’t get them dug out and that’s why he was chopping them down? Yeah.. that’s the story…)

And so while I’m busy doing something that I wasn’t able to stop or take a break with, he brings it down here with my daughter tagging along, and digs a random hole in the yard… a few feet from the clothes line pole just to make sure if the tree does survive there will be future problems… and right in the line of light from the main outdoor light to the patio and door area.

And he dumps the tree in it. Not putting the root stimulator stuff in it, not digging the hole deep enough for there to be a low area around the roots for water to soak in, not using any of the 4 bags of mulch sitting by the back door… and not even putting support poles in for it until 4 or 5 days later when my mom complained about it and making the strings too loose to actually support it in wind when he did put them up.

It did get water and plant food… after a huge drama over the hose and not listening to my daughter tell him he needed to remove the attachment first resulting in him getting drenched then blaming the kid and cussing up a storm when she had tried to warn him.

So first all the leaves sort of withered…..

And now they are all gone.

And I have a large dead stick planted in the middle of my back yard.

I’ve nicknamed it the tree of spite.

It does still have some small areas where leaves were that still have a touch of green. So I suppose it’s possible it may surprise me and live.

But I’m not betting on it.

Wonder how long I’m supposed to wait before giving up on it.

Or maybe I should just let it stay there… nice symbolism for my dear close family relations.

Peeps

Ok, so this is a bit late for a post Easter entry, but I just got the pics moved over.

What do you do with random packages of peeps that the kiddo would complain if they didn’t get, but don’t actually like to eat?

You pretend they don’t have sugar on them and are just a normal marshmallow.

—

Peep smores!

2 squares of graham cracker
2 of the pre-marked rectangles of chocolate bar
1 bunny

(the before picture)

15 seconds in the microwave and you get..

(the yummy gooey after picture)

They puff up a lot, then contract back down a bit… so don’t think one little bunny looks too little and add more… lol

—

Not pictured… Chopped peep trail mix

Slaughter the peep into chunks about half an inch big.
Toss in with peanuts, raisins, and the tiny jelly beans or chocolate chips or whatever other really small candy your kid isn’t eating from their basket.
And any other random mix of nuts and/or dried fruit you happen to have around or want to use.

—

Can’t say either one ranks real high on being healthy…. but at least it gets rid of the peeps!

What to do with a year

So, it looks like most likely I’ll have a year between the classes that just ended and the next classes within the college program.

And I know that usually when God pulls stuff like that it’s for a reason and there is a purpose behind it.

But what exactly that is I’ve yet to find out. What am I supposed to do with this year?

What do you do with a spare year of time to kill when you are broke and have a kid? It’s not exactly feasible to do a gap year thing and go travel or go do missions or something.

Financially… I need to get a job. But, given the previous failures at this.. I can’t say I have much optimism. I actually couldn’t even get hired at a 2 month seasonal position that paid minimum wage watering plants and running cash register at a tent for a greenhouse this summer… though at least I made it through both rounds of interviews to be considered.

I know better than to even mention before hired that I don’t expect it to last beyond a year, but, if it pays well, would I even have the confidence in future jobs to be brave enough to leave? School also involves clinicals after the first semester, so working full time through classes is pretty much completely out.

But then, maybe this is actually a way of this path ending, but putting it into my hands to accept this and follow through with making the choice to close the door. There have been lessons and purposes enough in the past year that I can see where its possible that school has already fulfilled its true reason, even if not fulfilling its “get a job” apparent reason.

They recommend in the letter that I take the chemistry and other theology class required during the year to get them out of the way. But, killing time with classes only sounds nice until you look at the numbers. The student loans through the government have a lifetime limit for the undergraduate level, even if you’ve already paid part of the previous ones off…. and with my previous classes, plus this past year of pre-reqs, plus the anticipated cost of two more years at a private college…. I’m already going to be getting pretty close to the line before it’s all said and done.

So I really don’t know right now.

Why are things like this never obvious and clear to me?

Grades and letters

Grades are in… the 4.0 miracle from last semester would have continued except for a single b+. Which I’m ok with, as the class was graded almost entirely on essay tests, and the teacher is one of those who keeps close to the “c is average work” grading scale.

And the second letter came.

I’m on the wait list for the program.

Which means, if anyone drops between now and the second week of class, they could call me, and I’d have to be ready on short notice.

Remembering that this requires 450 in deposits for both the program and the university confirmation, plus full physical, plus background check, plus the fees for those…. let alone the enrollment process where I haven’t attended there before, and the normal semester stuff… and I can’t say I’m particularly looking forward to the craziness if the call does come late.

However, if I don’t get called, then next year I’m admitted.

Initially I’m not a huge fan of this…. at least with a no I could have moved on with life. As it is, if I do manage to finally get hired somewhere in the meantime, it’s going to be hard to drop a sure income in this economy to go after something which won’t have even a chance of income for another 2 years.

But I guess it is what it is.

Numb vs disconnected

It’s expected that sometime today I will lose my last grandparent.

Actually, it was expected last night. And actually, should have been yesterday morning but my aunt had failed to even tell the hospital that my grandma had written directives that she not be revived, which may or may not have had motives based on what the title to a house says.

This is the grandma from the whole “have a nice life” Christmas card thing. Drama still abounds in that side of the family, even more than it did back then even. In fact, the surgery that caused the heart attack was caused by infection in a self-inflicted wound to create drama.

Such a high cost for the sake of having a stir and being the center of attention.

But I’m finding myself a bit surprised over how little I’m feeling shaken by this.

And I can’t really tell anymore if it’s just that so much hurt and injury has built up that I’ve just stopped feeling it (a negative thing), or whether time and dealing with things has brought enough of a disconnect between the chaos of the past and the limited amount that I try to allow it to be involved in my current life (a positive boundary thing).

It’s not the bitterness of past hurts, or the sad of reopened wounds… it just sort of is.

About the response I would feel of someone connected to an acquaintance. Which, honestly, has sort of been about the depth of connection we’ve ever had. This is the grandma that always lived within 20 minutes drive of us, and we only saw her on Christmas and with a tone of us being a tolerated pain even then.

And there’s been the hurt and bitterness over the extreme differences in treatment of grandchildren in the past.

But it’s just sort of weird to be in a place where I’m really not sure if not feeling those sorts of feelings anymore is a sign of positive growth or a sign of negative inability to deal with hurt anymore.

The biggest thing I’m feeling right now on the situation is dread of the chaotic family drama sure to follow in the aftermath. I managed to miss the last funeral on this side of the family from the timing of a kidney stone… still a bit wondering if there is any way possible to miss this one without creating any added waves in places close enough to me to have consequences.