Kid’s center

 

 

 

(yes, this actually had the color turned down.. kids=brightest possible paint to someone… lol)

Pillars

(the least unsaturation.. but i’m still debating on whether to fix the hair over the eye when its still obvious bangs need cut anyway)

 

Park

Wetlands

Cookie overwhelmed

And I’ve run upon another creative barrier… by complete accident.

I get myself massively overwhelmed by possibilities.

 

It started with kiddo’s birthday treats. 

 

Both her preschool and the school where she went to pk both had rules that all treats had to be store bought and still sealed. One of those rules I understand for safety, but hate anyway. How far have we gotten when cookies baked by random PTO mothers are banned for no other reason that the possibility of someone using them to harm a group of 30 or so kids? And it’s not like the recalls of things like even spinach and tomatoes haven’t proved that even store bought things can have health issues too.

So I was glad when her current school didn’t have that rule, only to run into her kindergarten teacher’s rule of no frosting, no cupcakes, no cookies. Sigh. Again, I suppose I understand having a class of 24 kids around the age of 5… but still. (I annoyed her I’m sure… I sent packages of otis spunkmeyer small chocolate muffins… which are about as close to a cupcake as you can get without frosting, but very technically still fit her rule)

 

But this year… no such rules. Open door.

So kiddo was still looking at store cupcakes… asked if we could do buffalos. Ummm… buffalos??? 

Yes. Buffalos. Because as it happens, her birthday is on Kansas day, the day kansas became a state…. aka one of those holidays you entirely forget about outside of grade school. And the state animal is a buffalo. 

I bargained. State flower is a sunflower. Even the walmart bakery can surely pipe some sunflowers. And when I’m not expecting to be in the state next year at this time, why not let her go for the state theme.

 

But then I got to thinking… it’s a sunflower. Even I can make a sunflower. 5 petal-ish shapes in yellow and a brown dot. 

And since we have no silly rules this year, and I’m home to have time to mess with them, sure, why don’t I just make some sunflowers on some cupcakes. Simple enough.

 

Until I ended up on a blog mentioning something about cookie pops for valentines day.

And that reminded me of a project using flooded icing for smooth cookies, something I’d wanted to try. Which was on the same site as a marshmellow fondant I’d also wanted to try that is supposed to actually taste good.

So now we’re on to making fondant covered cupcakes, with fondant sunflowers. Except… um.. I’ve never actually made non-flat shapes with fondant before. 

So I suppose I can make flat petals and a flat circle and make them as a flat sunflower.

 

This was fine for a few hours, until I was by the sink for something while making dinner, and I spotted a bowl full of cookie cutters. I’d been clearing things out the other day, these ones had been in the wrong place, and I decided they probably needed washed before being put in with the other ones. 

As it happened, on the top, was one of the metal easter egg cookie cutters that I hate because they easily smoosh into non-egg shapes. Today it was flattened a bit, making an oval about 3 inches long and 1 inch wide. 

A perfect shape for a petal! Yay! 

 

But then, it would be too long and droop about an inch over the side of the cupcake. Which might look kind of odd for cupcakes in wrappers. 

So then it hits me… I can make petal shaped cookies, put the fondant on top of them, then put those on the top of the cupcake and then the petals will stay firm.

But wait! If I’m using cookies, then why don’t I make some of those little cake balls like I tried to use for snowmen, and roll them into brown sprinkles.. and use those for the centers. Perfect!

 

For about an hour. Until I realized this means I’m making cupcakes, making fondant, baking cookies, and baking a cake to crumble up and make the balls. 

And… I’m putting what is essentially a 6 inch cookie on top of a cupcake. This teacher is gonna hate me!

 

Ok.. we can lose the fondant and make the flooded icing for the cookies petals. But then I’d have to make another frosting for the cupcake still.

So then, I wonder about losing the cupcake. But I’m not real confident in the cookies staying together without the help when they are made out of 6 different pieces.

But then it comes to me.

 

I can take the cupcake wrapper, put the cake ball into it, and put the petals around it.

But will it stay? And will it be big enough, or so scrunched that it will just make the petals go vertical and look stupid?

 

 

Why in the world am I making this so difficult on myself? 

Hello? It’s a birthday treat. 

Just because I can do things, and want to try various things, doesn’t mean that I need to, or should… or even that 10 hours of effort is going to be better than plain cupcakes with basic frosting.

Maybe letting walmart make the simple piped sunflowers wasn’t such a bad idea.

The wet and bleeding angry rainbow

I don’t know why this came strongly to mind, but it did. It’s not anything the book is mentioning right now, but I’m sure that has something to do with it somehow. So I’m writing it.

 

Random winter evening in college, I decided to paint.

Just randomly painting. I think it was actually one of those dready day things.. somehow dready lends itself to artsy stuff well. Something to do, and something enjoyable to be doing while cooped up inside while it was later snowing outside.

 

So I dig out the set of cheap kids paints from the school supply area of walmart and roll of paper from the same department, nothing fancy at all. and I painted a few random things, just for amusement sake, not expecting any sort of high quality or anything… just painting. 

 

So I made a small stack of really random cute-sy paintings. As this was during my first of several rounds of having a journal style blog on open diary, so I took some pics the next day with my webcam

 

  

  

(for some reason it won’t let me rotate the last one… turn your monitor upside down.)

 

So my expectations weren’t real high or anything. Just amusement.

 

But after these few… I started on something that involved a diagonal stripe of red below a diagonal stripe of blue. I don’t even remember what actually. So I made the red stripe. And then the dark blue above it. 

And the red bled into my blue. Not the blue into the red as expected if it was going to bleed, but the red into the blue.

 

And for some reason.. “out of the blue”, instead of taking it in stride and working with it, or just getting a new paper, this really upset me. I mean, majorly upset me. PMS maybe? Dunno. But it did. 

I dumped the water cup on it… and grabbed a washrag and tried to wash it off. 

And when that didn’t work, I went to my shelves, got my box of toys, filled my supersoaker, and blasted the thing.

Indoors. On the wood floor of my studio apartment.

And I refilled it, and pumped it to a higher pressure, and did it again. 

 

The paper actually survived this, having been draft-dotted to my drafting board from theater tech and lighting. The blue faded, but kinda bled over the whole paper… the red came off a little bit, but had been on a lot longer, and mostly remained.

So in a fit of annoyance, I used my fingers instead of my brushes to make some streaks of other colors under the red to make a blurry rainbow on the drenched paper…

 

 

 

And left it there for dead, not even cleaning up, while I flopped on my bed and bawled for some entirely unknown reason. Just absolutely lost it.

From being in a pretty decent mood to total breakdown in less than 5 minutes over nothing.

Eventually I fell asleep. The spell was over in the morning.

 

And to this day I haven’t the foggiest idea what that was all about or where it came from.

Asking specific

p 85

By pinpointing what you want from the Holy Spirit, you are more likely to get it and recognize it for what it is when it actually comes.

 

This struck me as interesting… and not even really in terms of creativity. 

And in thinking about it, I realize I’m really bad about this most of the time. Especially in things address directly to the spirit, I tend to be really really vague.

“Lead me” I say. Lead me where?

• “in a straight path” from ps 27:11, 
• “ to the rock that is higher than I.” from ps 61:2, 
• “in the way everlasting” ps 139:24
• “on level ground.” ps 143:10
• “down to this raiding party” from 1 sam 30:15? (actually, that does sound fun out of context)
• etc etc etc

Ok, so I usually mean “in the way I should go”… but still… it’s really massively openly vague.

Maybe if I ask more specifically, it will be more apparent when I’m getting a specific answer to that specific question, where when i’m asking vague, i’m not really even sure where to be looking for my answering to be.

lead me to the right job could be anything… where give me guidance on whether or not think specific job is the right one focuses thing down to looking for pointing towards or pointing against. much easier to look at the trees and forget the giant overwhelming forest.

 

But I think I’m a bit scared of being pushy.

With formerly attending a church that seemed to me to run straight off the deep end of prosperity gospel more and more each week and lots of hype and experiences over substance… I think I’m a little skittish about stepping on “toes” by getting myself too close to that sort of “you said i can have whatever i want, so i say its mine, do it now” sort of mentality.

Or of overly limiting with what I know is my very limited perception. if i’m concentrating on this specific possibility, then this one, then that one, am i completely and totally missing this thing he’s trying to do way off over here?

but then… that’s why he can answer “no”. 

and then hopefully clue me in a bit better to where the yes’s are… lest this become a process of elimination…. or reason start quoting proverb 16:33 and grabbing dice and coins lol

 

something interesting to think on anyways.

But what direction?

Continuing on into the book, a bit later on it does actually address lack of inspiration as an obstacle.

Which it says is entirely normal, and solved by moving forward anyway even though you don’t know where you are going with it, and letting the project lead where it does. 

Which I suppose helps if you are a painter. Or really, if you know exactly what it is that you do. 

 

I don’t really.

I mean, I have areas that I enjoy, and areas where in the past I have seen God use even my average or less than average abilities for his purposes. 

But they aren’t in one area. Or even in similar areas.

And they aren’t even remotely close to consistent!

 

Examples…

In high school, I was always good at writing. I had paid articles published in magazines with worldwide distribution before I’d ever hit my junior year. 

When I promptly followed up by failing the creative essay portion of the exam that would be required for graduation for all classes starting with the year younger. 

Followed by being the only person in the school to get full AP credit for english by scoring high enough of the exam consisting of 3 essays. Followed by flunking a sophomore english comp class in college. 

And reading this blog for a while you can probably understand why on either side. 

 

My senior year in high school, my graphic arts instructor (who also taught photography) told me directly that my landscape pictures were better suited for active settings… for being scenes… for things to take place in them like a set of a play rather than standing alone. Which seemed to make sense at the time. 

Until you fast forwarded to my senior year of college, where my field production instructor and I battled all semester… and I point blank got told I had an eye for still life scenes, but it didn’t work well with motion involved. (Since my grade was low enough already, my final project consisted almost entirely of still shots of scenes with no movement at all, with various filters and goofy lighting effects she hated as a news-oriented professional, mostly just to annoy her… only to have her be the producer of one of the shows I was floor directing for the entire last semester. I was very grateful that at least I wasn’t running field camera for the show.)

 

So how in the world am I supposed to have any clue what’s going to be used, when I’m not feeling a particular draw towards it? How do I figure out whether I should be grabbing clay, wax, paint, a camera, photoshop, a notebook? It’s not like I feel like the skill factor is there enough that any of them have any more probability on a given day than any of the others.

I ask for direction. But in lack of feeling a leaning of an answer, I wait… until either a leaning or a purpose for something comes onto the scene.

And, while I realize it’s probably something I should probably just stop overthinking and grab any given one of them and go…  with all of the battles of time and priorities, its a lot harder to do without having some sort of direction… even knowing that direction may well change 5 minutes into it.

So I know it’s an excuse, and pretty much a cop out. A  nice “if only” to fall back on. 

But doing something about it is a still a battle.

The help of a reason

Ok.. so part two of mental issues related to being creative… 

 

Part of the reason I’m backing this one up so close to the last post is that I know I have lurkers, from at least two different other places. And I know those particular lurkers are all going to be emailing me, going “but you are creative! and *insert random project here* made me laugh, that has benefit!”

So yes…. there is purpose in some of the random things I do, but, usually, either it motivated the process, or something else motivated the process and whatever was useful happened along the way. 

Which is awesome really for the end result… 

But makes it less than helpful in the starting stages.

Lost yet?

 

Example: 

Photoshop 
(because I know it’s the example that would have been used in over half of the lurker messages)

What happened: 

For months, I was playing around with photoshop, combining various pics in funny ways. There are huge communities on the web of folks into this… holding various competitions daily on themes and such. My favorite site was mechapixel, because it did well with masking owners of the entries.

And I entered. And entered. And not once did I even come remotely close to the top half of the competition.

 

While playing around in the process of this… I made a few silly pics involving someone from another website I was on. These were much lower quality than the others I was doing for entries. 

In a bout of drama on the site, I posted them. Expecting more drama as a result… and because of the drama, not caring anymore about the defensiveness I expected as a result.

 

In probably the biggest shock of my life, they went over wonderfully… and actually, over the next week, completely overshadowed the drama I’d previously been ready to leave the site over.

So, by request, I made more. Again, lower quality. And again, went well, and again, more requests.

This went on… and on… and on… for more than 200 pictures over the spell of more than a year.

 

Not because of any high degree of skill or talent… just because they hit their newly found purpose.

Because I had a purpose for them… amusement of the site members.. having a purpose thus made the time spent justified… and gave motivation to the make them to meet that purpose, not just for the sake of making something.

And actually, following that, amusement of the site members has actually helped give a purpose for a whole variety of different projects… from avatars, to pumpkin carving, to apple carving (don’t ask), to cake shaping, to costume making, to the making of molds and products made with the molds, etc. 

 

But being creative without that purpose from the beginning… is so much harder. So something without a useful end result in sight is so much harder to get started, or even justify trying.

Creative lack of purpose

I think my biggest excuse for not being creative isn’t an excuse per se, but just a reason. And an attitude behind the reason. And a feeling behind the attitude.

 

The reason being that it’s hard for me to justify making time to do so when it’s just being done for personal purposes.. for my own entertainment instead of an intended benefit. And I find it hard to do things when I don’t have a larger purpose for them.

I don’t feel like I really have any particularly strong talent in a given area. By which I mean, if I were a really good painter, it would be easier to justify the time spent in painting as being of benefit to more than just my own amusement. If I had amazing skills at sculpture, it would then be easy to justify time spent using those skills. The benefit of the end product to others would give it a purpose, to then motivate the process and justify it.

 

 

I used to think that I was only creative when I was in a good mood and things were going well… but after a while I realized that part of the good feeling was from the process itself, which then helped my mood, which then helped everything else going on. 

So it gets into the mindset of one of those art theories where the end product is irrelevant, art is just about the process of your expression in forming it. An experience, not an object.

But, when its just about experience… it’s hard to justify playing around with clay instead of getting the laundry folded, even if more pleasant and more likely to make you feel better. 

Because as an experience, it only benefits you who experience it. Entirely selfish.

And something in that just doesn’t sit right with me. It’s a nice theory… it’s just not it somehow.

 

And the more I think about it, the more that I start to realize that if creativity and creation are only for the experience, then we are nothing more than god’s boredom… something he made to have fun on a week with nothing else to do. 

And I know better than that.

But its harder to justify the small scale lack of purpose… to try to disconnect it into something entirely a different thing.. just an amusement… a different kind of thing… it just doesn’t work well.

 

 

So I get into this really weird place, of feeling like I’m wasting time that should be spent in productive things if I don’t, and wasting time and purpose that should be used towards more helpful things for the world if I do. 

 

 

Somehow I’m betting the poor author of this book was expecting much more simple excuses. Just “I don’t have time” seems to be the flow of most of the posted responses of the others that were in the group.