Without the Name

As I’ve mentioned a little bit, right now I’m working in a job experience program through the state that outsources to private companies to get hands on experience with various types of jobs.

So, I got assigned to this company… pretty much at random from what I can tell.

Seems ok… fairly straightforward. Supervisor seems decent enough.

About a month into the program though, one of the girls who had become one of my friends started having some major issues in her life outside the program.

And I found myself amazed at the lengths the program went through to help her.

The supervisor letting her use his personal cell to try to resolve things… allowing her to give the number out to people who needed to call back.. letting people contact him… getting on the phone himself on her behalf to see if he could get things resolved… getting his supervisor seeing what she could do from her end to coordinate things.

They really went to bat for her… and seemed just as annoyed as we were as things didn’t go right through no fault of hers.

Our supervisor is honestly the first person in this whole process from unemployment on who has honestly seemed to be looking out for the best thing for people and their families… rather than just what makes for the best numbers on the page. He’s been actively involved with us… and has gone to bat for us more than once when things were taking negative spins.

All the while keeping his cool, being more patient than I can imagine being with people who really didn’t want to be there, while not taking the bull from them either, and calling them out when needed and relevant without being combative about it. The more time went on, the more impressed I became with this guy for not going bitter or bonkers in his job… and while being open enough to show that things were possible.

So, while he’d never once openly said so, it wasn’t too big of a shock when a discussion between about 3 of us about churches also got him telling us about his church.

A followup discussion a few days later found out more… that it was a church built very strongly on equipping people for their own ministries instead of seeing itself as a ministry. And then that he’d been attending the church even when it meant he was driving from the area near work up to the church which is where he now lives, about 45 minutes away or so.

Then a while later, discussing the age ranges at churches and large families…. we found out that the company head actually attends the same church too.

Which got me to thinking a little bit.

Because in the discussions in the first week of classes with his supervisor, she’d also been pretty open about attending church, and against swearing even in non-work situations, and against violent movies and games, etc.

And then about a week later, one of the other workers picked me up from the site to go work on resumes…. and had christian music playing in the car softly, and in her stuff in the back seat (she was moving at the time) was an obvious christian book. (my site supervisor had directly said once that he kept the radio on a neutral station rather than his preferences, knowing that now everyone agrees on music)

So, it’s an organization helping people get jobs and get back on their feet…. and at least 4 of their key people are open christians, 2 of which in a very ministry building church. It’s obviously working helping clients who don’t have jobs or other income, pretty much assuring they are poor and lacking in better options.

At some point… do you ever start wondering exactly what makes a ministry different than a business?

I have little doubt that if I asked them, they’d probably admit that they see it as their personal way of ministering. But does collective individuals make the whole?

It’s not like it would be anything different to openly be a christian ministry…. the local homeless program is affiliated with united methodist… two of the local sliding scale clinics are religious based… one of the other work program placements that seems to be popular is catholic…

For that matter, so is one of the local groups of hospitals, though there seems to be little difference from the non-religious one. And even some non-helping related businesses like hobby lobby and chick fil a have openly been christian based.

But from what I can find… there’s no real mention of anything religious with this company, anywhere. It was originally started to help teens that were on a team coached by the founder.

Which makes it sort of intriguing to me.

Is it any less a ministry for not calling itself such? Or for not being officially affiliated with some church organization?

Not everything we do to help other people as individuals is frequently going to involve mentioning God, even in situations when that’s our reason for doing so. Sometimes there is a time for evangelizing and telling them why you are helping, but often there isn’t.

Is it really that different to consider a business doing the same? Helping without openly telling you why they are motivated to be in the business of doing do?

And should it really be so unusual seeming as to surprise me?

If you are afraid…

Judges 7
10 But if you are afraid to attack, go down to the camp with your servant Purah.
11 Listen to what the Midianites are saying, and you will be greatly encouraged. Then you will be eager to attack.”

So Gideon took Purah and went down to the edge of the enemy camp.
—

“But if you are afraid…”

Gee, the guy is going after a major army with 300 guys. I can’t imagine why he would be afraid.

But I love that this confidence booster was given.

Not just a “be not afraid…”, “fear not”, or a “be strong and courageous” command like joshua always got… but instead a gentle boost to help him see the situation differently.

Even after Gideon’s first response was to test God with fleeces to see if he was really hearing what he thought that he was.

Nice to remember that not all calls to resolve fear are of the “man up and be brave” sort… and that changing from afraid to eager is not always something we have to make happen of our own power.

Hurry, a phone posting test

The priests who were carrying the Ark stood in the middle of the river until all of the Lord ‘s commands that Moses had given to Joshua were carried out. Meanwhile, the people hurried across the riverbed. http://bible.us/Josh4.10.NLT

How often do if forget to still hurry?

” oh nice the water stopped doesn’t that look cool? ”

Instead of rushing anyway.. EVEN when this time they weren’t being chased. 

(testing posting from my phone with youversion and wordpress apps with this post if things look weird… )

Wanting a 4th servant

Matthew 25. The parable of the servants given money to keep track of while their master was away.

I don’t like this story.

Yes, I get the point of it… and yes, especially with it being right before the sheep who fed and clothed and visited in prison story, I get that it’s about true followers being those who put it into action.

But it still bugs me. I find myself wanting to argue on the behalf of the guy who buries the money in the ground.

I mean, think about it. The notes say the amount was roughly a years wages. A huge amount to this guy.

If you handed me a pile of cash that added up to about the amount I would make in a year and trusted me with it while you went on a trip, what would I do with it? About the same thing! There’s no way I’m ever going to be enough of a risk taker of any sort to decide to go out “trading” with it to double your money and risk losing it. It’s just never going to happen, especially with that much!

The guy gets told eventually he should have at least taken it to the bank to get interest… but I somehow doubt they had a version of the FDIC back then to make that risk free either.

Also… it’s directly said that it was divided “according to their abilities”. AKA the other two guys had 5 times and twice as much ability to manage money as this guy… and the master knew up front before he even gave it out what this guy’s abilities were, or rather lack of. If I know you have little ability to do something, and I ask you to do that thing, can I really be that surprised when your performance matches that?

And the guy said the reason he didn’t invest the money is because he knew the master was harsh and he was scared of losing the money. Given how upset the master is at the money not multiplying, I’m gonna say that sounds like a reasonable fear to me! And a good reason to not take risks in areas where you don’t have much ability.

Maybe he’s not the best money-maker, but the move he made does seem like a reasonable thing for him to do in the situation. Which makes the ending seem really cruel and overboard.

—

This makes me wish that the story had one more servant. One that also had a smaller amount due to his lesser ability, took the risk and failed miserably and had to report to the master that he lost some or all of the money in his honest attempts to make it grow.

Because that’s about where I relate more often than I care to admit most of the time. With a flop that’s not for lack of trying, but leaving me annoyed with my lacking in accomplishment and wondering whether its because I made a bad move that seemed wise at the time or just a lacking in my ability level.

And just like that we’re back to the topic of the past few posts, and into whether a lacking of ability level vs negative choices are the ones running the show and how much it matters.

—

I’d loved to have read exactly what the master said to the 4th servant.

Big ticket worries

When it comes to worries, I’ve noticed lately a bit of a shift.

I’ve started worrying less over the day to day provision… even if it’s meant way more meals of spaghetti, and mac and cheese, and grilled cheese, and scrambled eggs…. and anything else extremely cheap than I would like.

And I’m getting over worrying as much about the month to month provision… though sometimes how the bills are going to get paid is still a question, I have at least some small degree of confidence that either they will or we will make due without.

But now there’s sort of a shift towards the big ticket provision.

Up to this point, there have been a lot of things that have only been minor repair worries. But now, as I’m getting closer to 2 1/2 years with no real flexible income, it’s sort of becoming more of a worry.

Especially with the prospect of it being 3 more years before stable income happens.

I’m thrown enough of a loop with having to replace a tire. But do I trust my car to reliably last 3 more years without major repairs?
On a 11 year old car with over 100k miles? No… I’ve got enough common sense to know that things will go wrong in that time.
Do I have any idea how I’d pull off paying to fix them? Not a clue.
Do I trust that transportation will be taken care of? I know that I should… but its still on the worry list.

My computer is another one. It’s 4 years old now. I’ve gotten through the past few years with only one repair that was something simple enough I could do it myself, even with as big of a pain as macbooks can be to take apart.
Do I trust it to make it to 3 more years? NO way!
Seriously, I had trouble juggling even to replace the cord when it went out recently… and I know from the display acting a bit goofy that there’s another repair in the near future that is hugely costly in the shop… but one of the pretty high difficulty level ones to fix on my own.
Could I make it through 2 more years of classes without having a computer for internet access and typing papers? Well, I was a bit amazed how much I actually could do on my phone when I had to… but it’s still a really big stretch with some classes.

It’s just so much easier to trust that spaghetti will turn up than it is to trust that a computer or a car repair will.

There are no book 5′s

As a Christian from a non-religious family, it sometimes gives me a touch of amusement, and note of differences time makes, when religious things come up slightly off.

My favorite one is usually when one particular family member brought a tiny print king james version bible into my room and complained that they couldn’t find genesis and asked if I had a newer one that had it.

The other day, someone told me they were positive a particular verse was in 5th corinthians.

I think I’m glad there’s only two corinthians books. 5 would totally get confusing on which was which.

Though, I did know what chapter of first corinthians the part of a verse was actually from to get it for them. (And no, it wasn’t 5.)

Sometimes I forget… how much I didn’t know… and how time changes.

Remodeling

I had a set of vivid dreams last night.

(Wonder where the line is between bad content and nightmare? LOL)

—

The first started in a weirdly arranged apartment, with painted cinder block walls, that was a total disaster. Piles of stuff everywhere on the floor, no attempt at organization at all to be seen anywhere.

The rooms were all fairly small, and kind of oddly shaped, and in an odd arrangement. The kitchen was off of a bedroom for example.

It’s not anywhere that really resembles anywhere I know of in real life, but I knew this place was mine. (No kid or other housemate was involved anywhere in either dream.)

One of the leaders of the church (in real life) came to the door in the dream. Now, in real life, I know this guy’s name, but am pretty sure he’d have no idea what mine was, so it’s not like he’s a friend or someone who knows me well or who would have the foggiest idea where I live.

Last summer he gave a message using an illustration involving his extreme battle against crabgrass in his lawn… complete with pictures that looked to me like a perfectly kept golf course type lawn… and apparently were supposed to be pictures of its “awful” problem with this apparently bad grass. So he’s someone I’d consider to have standards much higher than mine on things house related.

So I let this guy in, and for some reason, I have to go through the house and show him every room, and what’s in the room.

Even in the dream this was painful and shameful.

But his tone wasn’t harsh, or shocked, or discusted, or blaming, or any of the other tones I would expect as a response from someone, both in the dream and in real life.

It was a saddish tone. One that clearly didn’t approve of this house in the first place let alone it’s condition, but was along the lines of “You don’t have to live with this. You can have better than this.”

No condemnation for not having it better or doing better… or a “You have to fix this”… or a “You know better”… just a gentle sadness, no matter how bad the rooms and the piles of stuff were.

Even so.. it was still massively painful as the tour went through everything…. a feeling that stayed over when I woke up the first time.

And my main thought was being really glad that none of the pastors at the churches I’ve attended in the last 7 years or so make house visits regularly like some of the ones I went to when younger did.

—

I went back to sleep, and right back into a new dream in the same house, with the same guy, with an entirely different tone. In this dream, he was clearly in charge.

He gave instructions to be carried out, then disappeared, then came back to check and re-direct, and then disappeared again.

And then came the bulk of the dream, which was spent basically chasing him around as he went down the street to random neighbors to have me ask them to help with a very particular task for each of them. The main problem here was that while he was able to step directly to their doors, there was this huge ditch between the street and their houses that was deeper than I am tall that I had to climb carefully into, then crawl back up and out of to catch up to him to get to their house.

Where when I arrived, breathless and covered in dirt and mud, I would find him already talking to them, and waiting on me to finally get there to ask them. They all said yes, even though it was humiliating, and I got the impression that the only reason they were saying yes was as a favor to him, not me. Not so much a pity feel, but just a feeling like they were strangers. (None of them stood out as being anyone from real life.)

So I’d come back to the house with them (the ditch being gone on the return trip), and they would help me do whatever small specific task they’d been asked to do, then they just sort of disappeared and it was back to chasing off to the next person’s house.

Eventually, some of my family members came by, and took away a dresser and a bookshelf… the only objects even resembling tools for organization that I’d seen involved… leaving that room empty but for the pile of junk several feet deep covering the entire floor. They were upset because I was changing the house.

I wasn’t exactly upset or anything by this confrontation… just sad. The guy came into the room a bit later, and I told him what had happened. He didn’t react much, positive or negative, about the development. Just acknowledged it, and moved on with re-directing for the next part of the task in that room.

I went over to the opposite corner of the room where he’d told me to do something, but instead of completing it, I curled up in a ball in the corner… tired, dirty, and frustrated that all these little tasks were so hard and only making small dents of progress. But this time he hadn’t left immediately after giving the new instructions.

I asked if he could do it for me since he knew what he was doing, or if one of the recruited neighbors could do it since they were experts on each little task he made me ask them to help with.

I was told no, that he was doing it, by having me do it. And that it had to be done by my choosing to do it and follow through with making it change.

Not mad tone, not sad, just matter of fact.

—

I woke up with the thought on my mind that all of the home makeover style shows really make things a lot easier by sending the families away for a vacation while they tear everything completely apart and rebuild.

Somehow it’s so much easier to just give them permission to have at the entire thing, knowing they will be going through every single thing in the house…. than it is to be there when they are doing it and have to tell them “yes, you can throw away my dresser. Yes, you can go through my closet. Yes, you can rip down that wall”.

So so much easier to just turn it over, walk away, and come back to a house that in no way resembles the one you left… and is all nice and fancy and clean and uncluttered… with the only things openly visible from the old house being things that were just extremely cherished for the positive memories.

Never do you see them sad when they return because their old beat up couch got thrown away. But had they had to be there for the process to approve the decision individually… or even be the one to haul it out themselves… would they fight it more? Being less able to see the future picture than the professional designers, and attached to the object that bring them comfort in the current moment?

—

There’s several different things from the dreams that I think are in it intentionally as a point to be gotten…

But the first and strongest one was that even after the big choice to give God command…. I still have many many areas of little choices that I still have to make the call to allow his plan to happen and follow his directions on achieving that end result… or to curl up in a corner. There’s no running off on vacation and walking back in to everything completely changed. (Well, maybe for some people… but they seem to be the lucky exceptions)

Also, a reinforcement that he’s not mad when I do end up in the corner. Or in the mess in the first place. It’s not the choice he wants, for my benefit, but it’s not the end of the world either. It’s just something to deal with and keep moving on even when the dents seem so small.

Even when I’d rather just turn the keys over and let that cover everything and go to disney.

73

Psalm 73

A psalm of Asaph.

1 Truly God is good to Israel,
to those whose hearts are pure.
2 But as for me, I almost lost my footing.
My feet were slipping, and I was almost gone.
3 For I envied the proud
when I saw them prosper despite their wickedness.
4 They seem to live such painless lives;
their bodies are so healthy and strong.
5 They don’t have troubles like other people;
they’re not plagued with problems like everyone else.
6 They wear pride like a jeweled necklace
and clothe themselves with cruelty.
7 These fat cats have everything
their hearts could ever wish for!
8 They scoff and speak only evil;
in their pride they seek to crush others.
9 They boast against the very heavens,
and their words strut throughout the earth.
10 And so the people are dismayed and confused,
drinking in all their words.
11 “What does God know?” they ask.
“Does the Most High even know what’s happening?”
12 Look at these wicked people—
enjoying a life of ease while their riches multiply.
13 Did I keep my heart pure for nothing?
Did I keep myself innocent for no reason?
14 I get nothing but trouble all day long;
every morning brings me pain.

15 If I had really spoken this way to others,
I would have been a traitor to your people.
16 So I tried to understand why the wicked prosper.
But what a difficult task it is!
17 Then I went into your sanctuary, O God,
and I finally understood the destiny of the wicked.
18 Truly, you put them on a slippery path
and send them sliding over the cliff to destruction.
19 In an instant they are destroyed,
completely swept away by terrors.
20 When you arise, O Lord,
you will laugh at their silly ideas
as a person laughs at dreams in the morning.

21 Then I realized that my heart was bitter,
and I was all torn up inside.
22 I was so foolish and ignorant—
I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you.
23 Yet I still belong to you;
you hold my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel,
leading me to a glorious destiny.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
I desire you more than anything on earth.
26 My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak,
but God remains the strength of my heart;
he is mine forever.

27 Those who desert him will perish,
for you destroy those who abandon you.
28 But as for me, how good it is to be near God!
I have made the Sovereign Lord my shelter,
and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things you do.

No blisters?

Deut. 7:2 Remember how the Lord your God led you through the wilderness for these forty years, humbling you and testing you to prove your character, and to find out whether or not you would obey his commands. 3 Yes, he humbled you by letting you go hungry and then feeding you with manna, a food previously unknown to you and your ancestors. He did it to teach you that people do not live by bread alone; rather, we live by every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. 4 For all these forty years your clothes didn’t wear out, and your feet didn’t blister or swell. 5 Think about it: Just as a parent disciplines a child, the Lord your God disciplines you for your own good.

no blisters?

all of that 40 years of walking miles and miles and miles… and no blisters?

even when it was being extended for disobeying?

somehow this is a random part of his provision for them in the desert that i’ve missed or forgotten.

kinda trivial in the big picture maybe… but stopping to think about it, maybe not.

i think sometimes the tone of that whole section of the story turns into one of harsh punishment. which, ok, yes, 40 years of wandering is rough. but protecting their feet from blisters and swelling.. just seems like a loving contrast to the harsh upset tone.

supplying them with manna and water from a rock meets basic needs that they were completely unable to meet on their own, and the leading them by cloud/fire also seems fairly essential.

but the feet… they could have survived with blisters and pain. just with a lot more discomfort and pain.

maybe he does actually like these guys after all..

Pretending to be insane?

such a relatable psalm… and yet, that its regarding his time pretending to be insane throws me off a bit. lol!

Psalm 34

A psalm of David, regarding the time he pretended to be insane in front of Abimelech, who sent him away.

 ¹ I will praise the Lord at all times.
      I will constantly speak his praises.
 ² I will boast only in the Lord;
      let all who are helpless take heart.
 ³ Come, let us tell of the Lord’s greatness;
      let us exalt his name together.

 ⁴ I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me.
      He freed me from all my fears.
 ⁵ Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy;
      no shadow of shame will darken their faces.
 ⁶ In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened;
      he saved me from all my troubles.
 ⁷ For the angel of the Lord is a guard;
      he surrounds and defends all who fear him.

 ⁸ Taste and see that the Lord is good.
      Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him!
 ⁹ Fear the Lord, you his godly people,
      for those who fear him will have all they need.
 ¹⁰ Even strong young lions sometimes go hungry,
      but those who trust in the Lord will lack no good thing.