Parking Doability

I never realized how much parking can make the difference between something being able to be done, and something not being do-able.

Right now, I’m able to tolerate driving a little… and hobbling on crutches for moderate distances.

But, there are some places that I can do, but if I’d had to walk from the normal best available parking, probably wouldn’t be.

Walmart (w the dorky motorized cart). Movie theater. Some restaurants.

It’s nice to be getting a bit of freedom back right now… but it reminds me how much I appreciate having the temporary pass for a while.

Because sometimes, it makes the difference between being able to take my teen to go see the movie she’d been begging to see for months (long before it came out), or making her wait until it’s on a dvd I can get from a machine.

Kind of nice to be able to do a bit of what I want to.

Backstage dreams

Sometimes I just really wish I knew what was going on behind the scenes, in the big picture of life.

I see lots of hints… lots of things that may or may not happen….

But I just wish I knew what what whirling around, what the overall direction would be.

Is this hinting one that has a future? Is this just an isolated clump of ice, or the tip of a larger iceberg?

I know the end result is the same either way… but somehow, life just seems so much easier when you have an idea of what’s going on anyway, even if it is still in progress.

I guess I’m just impatient. lol

Crawling forward

So life moves forward.

The knee is getting better… gradually.

Every time I go to physical therapy, the motion has improved a little.

As the days go by, I can do more again.

I’ve been able to move the head of my bed back to the normal direction that I prefer instead of where I can reach drawers easier.

I can do full baths again instead of having to keep the leg dry.

I’ve moved my supply of snacks back into the kitchen instead of needing to have things near the bed and couch for breakfasts and lunches that don’t need transported.

I can mostly get most of the cleaning done, with just a small group of tasks left to my daughter.

But… it feels like things are going so very slow.

I know they aren’t.. progress is being made. It’s only been a couple of weeks!

But it’s so gradual that it feels like each day is the same as the last.

One foot in front of the other gets you there… but sometimes, I get so impatient. lol

Options, yes. Interest, no.

It’s funny how things seem to go sometimes.

When I have interest in doing something, I have few options to fulfill that interest.

When the interest wanes, suddenly there are lot of options opening up… but I just don’t really feel like it, even if it’s a decent option.

Jobs.. guys… buying a new car…

It’s just a sort of teeter totter to where when one side is up, the other is down… the up side goes down and the down side reacts by going up.

Life I guess.

Supportless

It’s been a few days since surgery.

Things went ok… they did have to add two procedures to the repair, but all went well and they got it taken care of.

First two days were seriously painful, but the pain meds have been handling it now.

But, the day of surgery started off seriously stressful.

Ok, well, yes, it would have been anyway, as I was nervous and hadn’t slept well.

But, to make it worse, my mom tells me two hours before that she has a headache and won’t be able to take me.

Really?

Normally I’d just take a cab, which was the backup plan for her flaking out on doctor visits and physical therapy, but they require the driver to stay on site the entire time, and to sign a thing assuming responsibility since being one day surgery, patients are still a bit looped out when they are released. I’d sort of expected to at least be able to rely on her for the day-of, if only to tell the doc all about her issues while she had a listening ear.

So, I’d texted my brother, even though things have been a bit drama filled there lately…. but my mom called and got my aunt to miss work instead. Which sort of surprised me, as my aunt had disowned the family until about a year and a half ago.

But, she told my aunt the wrong time.

We hadn’t known the exact time until the afternoon before, but I’d told her verbally, and via text, and via facebook message.

Which makes me feel like if she didn’t even remember the right time, she probably didn’t actually plan to go along in the first place.

So.. the only info I really have about what went on with the procedure or with doctor instructions is what was repeated to me by a 13 year old with adhd and no medical knowledge.

With all that I went through helping her with her back surgery and being up there during it and after even with having a job and a kid in tow… and heck, even missing work within two weeks of my surgery date to take her to the ER with a sinus infection…. and as many things as I’ve toughed through my migraines to get through… having a headache to sit in a small waiting room with only 3 other families was too much to ask of her I guess.

Ya know… sometimes I think I expect other people to act as I would… to act how I think other people would. I expect people to be reliable because I try to be reliable. I expect to be able to depend on people when I’m forced to when I’ve been dependable for those same people.

But sometimes, I just need to remember that people aren’t all cut of the same core.

I know better than to rely on her, as I’ve mentioned here in telling the story about spending my first night in labor alone when she also pulled a last minute welch-out.

But somehow… time fades that memory, and I get dumb enough to put myself in that position again.

I guess somewhere inside, I want to be able to trust and rely on someone who is my mother. I want to think she’s not going to pull that sort of thing again. I want to believe in her.

But it’s just not matching reality right now.

Having said that, even with the drama, my brother did tell me he would have come if he had needed to, and did also bring over his ice machine that night, and told me to let him know if I needed him to get anything or needed a ride if mom bailed on me again.

Even with the drama.

So at least he’s there. He generally resents it later… and sometimes looks down at needing it… but at least I know I have some sort of backup, even if it comes with strings attached.

I prefer not to need it, but if it’s all I’ve got, strings may be the price needing paid.

The pressure

The pressure is starting to turn up on the surgery date getting close.

I’m suddenly feeling like there are so many things that I need to get done.

Most of which I don’t.

It’s not going to matter in the least bit if the kitchen is painted or not before surgery. But, I know that I won’t be able to do it for months afterwards due to the knee… which makes it feels like it needs done.

So many things feel urgent when I know that they aren’t.

And do I really need 3 extra things of deodorant? No. It’s only a few weeks before I’ll be able to drive again and use the dorky motorized cart in the stores. But… it feels like I needed to grab three. Eventually I’ll use all three… so I grab 3. And extra bottles of shampoo and conditioner even though I’m not likely to run out of either soon. Etc.

When you are about to have a baby, they call it nesting. Wonder if that applies pre-surgery too?

Medlessly

So.. the docs require that I be off almost every med for at least 2 weeks before surgery, and some of them for up to 6 weeks afterwards.

Some of these make sense… like the ones that raise the risk of blood clots, and the ones that run the risk of making blood pressure drop too low.

But.. the ones that are killing me, is not being allowed to take any pain meds except tylenol.

I’ve been on some form of pain med since september. And they help, a lot.

This… hurts.

And I’ve come up with a theory.

I think that being off the pain meds isn’t medically needed.

But they do it to remind you why you need to have the surgery.

When the pain isn’t there due to meds chasing it off, its easy to forget what the full brunt of it feels like.

Which makes it easier to second guess if you really need to go through with it.

Yeah… I’ve been reminded.

Now can I go back on? lol