I find myself frustrated.
I really realized yesterday how much my mentors tend to lean completely away from where I am on some issues.
As you’ve noticed if you’ve read some of the past entries, I do believe that sometimes there are supernatural explainations or at least influences into many occurances.
I’m not, however, one that falls towards the stronger side of charismatic beliefs. Not a follower of gold dusting… I get annoyed in churches where it frequently ends up more of a circus atmosphere than a teaching one… and I don’t believe speaking in toungues is any sort of requirement to recieving holy spirit.
Now, after a lot of searching, I’ve finally found a church that falls very squarely where I do. Teaching very balanced between direct biblical sources and modern applications. Very even spread of focus between sermon and worship. Prayer for healings and anointing with oil, but not done in the whole make-a-spectacle of it style but rather quietly in smaller groups.
However, yesterday… I had the first major anxiety attack I’ve had in at least 5 years. At church… in relation to joining a small group. No real lead up to it, or warning, just wham.
And it was only in the aftermath of looking for someone to talk to and puzzle through feelings with… that I realized… I have no one in the middle.
My primary mentor… almost like a second mother…. is a conservative baptist. Her response is that it’s God telling me something is wrong and to run from the church. But then, its odd that it wouldn’t have had any other feelings leading up to it, and that it would wait this long.
Another…. who attends a church that has had the gold dust on occasion…. is pretty much convinced I have a demon. Again, odd to not have any other issues previously.
At this point, I stopped and realized how much both my mentors and my friends lean in completely opposite directions. But really…. very few land anywhere towards the middle. Its like it’s all or nothing… either no speakig in toungues or its required… either I’m demon possessed or I’m being lead astray…
I guess its kind of interesting how I’d never really noticed it before. Well, I suppose I probably have noticed the effects, even with the ear issue, but never really noticed the reason.
But then, I guess at least I have a pretty good balance of people at each end of the spectrum.
Now I suppose the obvious place to look to add someone with similar views to bounce things off of is within my church, and even more specifically, in an ongoing small group study. However, of course, since this is where the issue came, that’s not real useful right at this moment.
So I don’t believe this is a red flag to run from the church, and I don’t believe its demon possession. But I guess where I’m struggling is to figure out where in the middle I do fall. It could well be something influenced from either side here…. either not the right time to join a group, or a tactic being used to keep me away from connecting more with like minded individuals…
Or maybe just past issues showing me that I need to work on them to overcome them.
I’m also starting to notice a trend of feeling like I’ve got all the pieces to the puzzle, have the outside edges built, but I’m just making a mess of trying to get everything in the right spots and pointed the right direction. While consulting the big picture isn’t offering any obvious answers right now.