Part 3

I’ve been trying to come up with a way to explain exactly what hit. But I’m not sure that I entirely can.

A resolve I guess is about the closest word I can come up with. Like feeling a sense of direction, however, without the exact direction.

Which I realize makes no sense as an explanation.

But overall, the biggest way I can explain it is just a feeling of… its time.

Time for what? Haven’t the foggiest clue.

Well, I do have some clues. I’m pretty sure that its going to involve moving. Based on some things that happened shortly afterwards, I’ve got a vague area that it seems to be leaning towards… nice enough area, though not really one of my top choices.

I’ve been doing job search for a while… and was hoping to get something going this summer. But this…. its just a totally different feeling on it.

And to be honest, it scared me massively for about the first 2 days. I’ve calmed down a bit now… though I’m no more sure where this is going now than I was then… gotten a bit more used to the fact that I have no clue whats going on? I dunno.

Ok… so this probably has to rank as the oddest explanation of something that I’ve posted on one of my blogs in a long time. Maybe ever. And if you aren’t of a slightly charismatic leaning you may think I’m completely and total nuts. And I’m probably that too. So if you like you can just write this off to stress or mental breakdown or whatever… previous entry gives ya plenty of fodder for that theory.

But anyway… thats what it is. I have a really strong sense of “its time”, a few hints on direction, and no real idea of exactly what’s up other than being pretty sure there is a corner with something around it very nearby.

Lost ya yet?

When I’ve cried… (pt2)

The second instance that’s come to my mind and stuck around was more recent.

2. Last summer, end of the smitty cruise. The last night… docked in Victoria, Canada, before arriving in Seattle the next morning.

I found myself up on the open top deck, in the dark. For the first time during the cruise, there were no lights on up there. The lower pool area didn’t have anyone around besides a few workers cleaning the pool, which was already closed, and most people were still on shore.

I found myself just aimlessly walking in laps… watching the city lights, and the lights of the huge ship “parked” next to us. And I thought back over the week.

The week had been totally amazing. Awesome concerts, amazing scenery, wonderful activities.

I’m almost always one who sits back and observes more than participates, but I had walked into this being one of the well known posters on the website, and so had sort of walked into this sort of popularity that was totally a new thing to me. My tablemates at dinner knew who I was… when I’d never met them before and hadn’t a clue who they were.

As I walked, still so amazed at the week and in a grateful prayer, my mind started wandering back to real life. For this week, basically everything I could want was happening. But starting tomorrow, I’d be going back home.

To starting a job I knew wouldn’t work out well but was doing anyway for the money. To a kid who chooses to run down the block to grandparents who don’t know how to say no to anything then blame me when my child acts like a spoiled brat down there. To a house I hated. To furniture I had previously loved but which had been torn up in the tramatic move by my having to move them by myself when my brother failed me. To all sorts of random family drama. To a place where I have many casual friends, many of whom were once even close friends, but no one close enough to me to let my guard down and deeply trust.

And I cried. At the same time both awed at how wonderful the break had been, and realizing freshly how much I really didn’t like where I was at in my life right then, in almost any respect. Wanting somehow to just end the book there that night, change to a completely different book, and not go back to the dark chapter already in progress.

I briefly entertained a thought of getting lost in Canada, intentionally missing the ship, and just starting all over somewhere, anywhere, doing whatever. Just as long as itwasn’t going back.

The feeling passed during the next day… and as it frequently does, life hit me with everything it had in its arsenal the minute I walked back in the door in its attempt to wipe out any help the break had been.

For some reason, I woke up early in Houston on sat morning. Kiddo had crashed after the concert eating only 2 chicken nuggets of the kids meal we had gotten her on the way back to the hotel, and was still firmly zonked out.

And I felt the same sort of feeling again. This mix of happy for the present but sad for the near future… of wanting for anything in the world to cling to the mountaintop and not have to go back into the valley, but knowing its coming anyway.

I didn’t want to go home. I was, but in my heart, I really didn’t want to.

And as I sat and thought, I realized how little anything has changed in the entire year between the two times. Almost nothing that was an issue then has resolved itself.

I think it was in that moment that my heart knew…..

It’s time.

When I’ve cried… (pt1)

I’m not a person who typical cries much. I think partially its just related to be an introvert.. I deal with things more inside than out.

Truth be told, I cry more when mad than when sad… drives me nuts when I’m trying to have an argument with someone and for some reason end up with tears I don’t want getting in the way.

But two seperate past crying incidents have been coming to my mind lately.

1. 9/11. After a long day of sitting around the television station where I worked just in case we were needed to go live, the national network decided to let the local stations do their own 10pm news before going back to the feed. I was running the prompter, which kind of had me back in a darkish corner by the weather desk.

What made me cry wasn’t so much the loss of lives. It was the changing of the world.

Here I was, 5 months pregnant, in my last semester of college full time, working a 37 hour a week job that still wasn’t full time so wouldn’t cover medical or maternity leave, and having just figured out that things were not going to work out with the second chance given to the baby’s father. It was everything I could do to very barely make things work enough to keep my head above water with the world the way it was the day before.

You add in a world where things you’ve always taken for granted like general safety and airplane flight are suddenly questionable… making you wonder what else might be lost next…

The point that I lost what amount of composure I was trying to pull up was during a video piece about the price of gas in the area suddenly jumping to 3.99 at most stations as the owners tried to claim it was to keep their supplies from running out. I lived 20 miles from work, 5 miles from school, within the past two months had been living out of a hotel room, and within the past two weeks had resorted to hunting change to afford tp. How in the world was I going to manage now what I’d been having to put so much into managing and not really making it before?

This came to mind at a gas pump, as for the first time gas in my area has returned to the 3.99 levels of the panic back then. This time it has crept up slowly though, not as much of a shock. But I have to wonder a bit how many people have still been brought to tears as it has ripped from their grasp the ends they were trying so hard to make meet.

But even back then I knew the tears were not so much about the price of gas as about the uncertainty or inability to make it. The total shake in confidence when you realize that theres a shot that you might not make it.

Things are obviously more stable in my life right now financially, and yet, still, how much would it take to rip that stability right out of my hands again? I know my job isn’t secure… how much of a nudge from some major factor would it take to make things completely fall apart again?

I don’t know an answer, but I know its a lot less than I would like it to be.

But I know how little it also took to cause chaos for my mom and stepdad, who worked at a aircraft manufacturing place for 17 years before 9/11, and was laid off in the next year. Going from a 6 figure income down to job searching in the same messy market that I was as a fresh college graduate. And I know that bank accounts offer only marginal and brief security.

My brother and both half brothers now work in the same industry as my stepdad did, as they hired on new lower paid people rather than call back the older workers. Two of them even work at the same company, though its been sold since then. In spite of the risk of instability, the momentary stability is right now the best option going around here for those who can get it.

The more this has been on my mind, the more I realize… my biggest lost that day was hope.

Hope towards stability, towards the future…

I think that in that moment was when I stopped dreaming of what I wanted life to be and what I might be able to make of it, and entered survival mode. The mode of just trying to keep my feet under me as I get drug behind the cart of the current world.

As bad as things had already been, I think that I still had hope up to that point of how one day they were going to finally settle down and I’d get things all stabilized and be back on the path towards where I wanted to be. I still believed that tomorrow might still be really bad, but maybe next year would be better… and maybe in 5 years it would just be a dark glip on the map.

I don’t think I’ve ever gotten that hope back.

I don’t think I’ve gotten back out of day to day, week to week, survival mode.

And while things have improved circumstantially over the past 7 years, I wonder if thats why they really haven’t improved much on the outlook.

Because my “view” is still the same. At survival, and at making tomorrow and next week and next month come together.

Bear issues.

boo’s bear… which she has had since she was born, was accidentally left in the hotel in houston.

i know this. i know she was throwing it around sat morning as i was getting stuff ready and i directly told her to put in with the bag and my laptop. this is the last i remember seeing him.

she didnt. she said she hid him under the covers. why, i dont know, but shes insistent thats where she forgot him. i did a walk through of the hotel room before we left, and didnt see anything laying around that we had missed.

we noticed this about bedtime in dallas area…. though im kicking myself because about an hour out of houston i was looking for something else in the back seat and moved her car blanket and pillow, and should have noticed then that he wasnt with them.

tore car apart to make sure… called to the hotel, and got rather rudely told to call monday during business hours for the housekeeping office.

so i called monday morning… before i even told her what room we were in or what we were looking for, she sharply told me they hadnt found anything.

so i handed phone off to mom, she tried again a bit later and just went direct to the manager, who told her they completely check a room when someone reports something missing, and they even checked the laundry since it was monday (???) and it wasn’t with the bedding.

so they keep the bedding seperated by room to know which bedding it would be in from that many rooms? and have it sitting around still seperated 2 days after we checked out?

but he did take our number at least to call if he turns up. this was the 4 points sheraton… i expected a bit better from them, but then, i had issues with them thursday night as well.

is it really too much to ask to have someone look for a lost bear? i mean, i know its trivial to most adults, but most adults also understand what certain stuffed animals mean to a kid and that they arent replaceable.

so this is being a big stress point right now… and im about to start calling the hotel and asking for room 723 nightly till someone happens to answer and ask them to look under their bed and between the mattress and the wall for a bear for me.

“Worship 3” clips

Ok… I need to catch up and give a lot more details…. but the concert was totally awesome!

We were front section to the right of center…. jumped greatly when a random camera guy was running backwards right at me because michael was running down the aisle next to me! LOL

But maybe the best way to describe some of the concert is with video. Gotta love youtube and people brave enough to ignore no video recording signs at every entrance! lol!

New hallelujah with african childrens choir

When i think of you (still with childrens choir)

drum intro and prepare ye the way (love the use of yeshua…)

mighty to save… i think this was with isreal houghton on stage at the time, but watching the video, im not so positive on that anymore…

not sure if this is called stay strong or help is on the way, but its with isreal houghton. lol

and the random crowd run during river is rising (im 90% sure thats his dad he is dancing with at the end)

http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=36655697

i’m waiting for the release date already! lol!

Not so smooth…

Trip down didn’t go bad.

Things haven’t gone as smooth since we’ve been here.

Storm abruptly last night. No power in hotel even this morning.

So we had to find a new hotel. No huge deal, I could see the sign of the other one I had considered. A 4 points sheraton. Large glowing sign, so they much have power.

Making it over to the sign was another 45 minute story.

So we get there. Formerly, it had been 70 a night. Now, standing in the lobby, it was 115 for each night. A 45 buck jump… 150% of the original rate.

Given the circumstances, I took it for last night assuming I would find somewhere else today.

No wireless in rooms.

So we’re at ihop, eating breakfast, mainly because every ihop in the country seems to have free wireless. I seriously have been known to park outside of them on trips to log on briefly using it from the parking lot to check something needing checked.

And the best price for a room within a mile of the church?

70.

For the room I’m already in.

I’ve made a reservation for it.

Something tells me this could be an interesting conversation at the desk when we get back to the hotel.

Things like this make me wish I were more confrontational. I know for sure my brother could get both nights knocked down to 70, and probably a free movie or something for the hotel being mean.

Me, I’ll be good not to have to change rooms and check out for the two hours between check out time and check in time, even though I know its the same level.

(Oh yeah, and the 115 bought us the room directly across from the elevator, known for being noisy most places. Luckily the floor seems to be pretty empty.)