Faith vs the pantry

I’m running into an interesting issue.

As I’ve mentioned here, I’m hoping to be moving sometime around the start of 2009. As such, I haven’t been buying much, mostly because I don’t want to move it… especially when I’m fairly sure this move will be out of state.

I’m not usually one of those people who stocks up on things like a years worth at a time anyway, but sometimes we do get extras of things when they are cheap, and with only two of us things sometimes pile up anyway.

Well, paired up with the way things are weird right now and trying to finish settling things down from the trips this summer and unexpected computer expenses…. we haven’t been eating out much. So we’ve been using quite a bit of the random stuff around here.

But I don’t think that I realized how much so until I needed to clean out cabinets and cleaned out fridge in the same day.

sorting the cabinet stuff, it went into two of those rubbermaid crates… the standard 18 gallon size… one for canned goods and spices and baking stuff, the other for staples like jars of pb, boxes of spaghetti and rice, pancake mix, etc.

normally, these crates are overflowing… and stuff is stacked beside them. this time, i could have put them all in the same crate, as both crates were less than half full. Almost all of the canned goods are various fruits, to be used in the entire gallon sized ziplock bag full of boxes of jello that have never gotten made. and other such abnormal things.

Which shouldn’t have really been all that surprising, and it wasn’t really. But what surprised me was exactly how much it bothered me.

As I mentioned, this was followed up with cleaning out the fridge. Which was even odder. The small freezer is sometimes so stuffed we take things down to mom’s deep freeze, and yet, this time, it looked so barren. About 3 bags of veggies, pound of beef, 1/2 bag of raw chicken tenderloins, random microwavable ears of corn, 2 quart bags of chili, and 2 kids sized frozen meals. It’s hardly empty… and yet… it sure feels like it.

The main part was even worse. The leftovers may have been taking up space, but at least they were making it look full. I was almost reluctant to pitch them and be faced with the lack of filler.

But I did. Not without some reflection as to why in the world this was messing with my head as much as it was though.

I know exactly why the piles of things are lower than usual. I want things to be down to just what we need, in general, but especially with the hopes of moving still on the horizon.

Most of the time we don’t use the pantry stuff that much anyway, we use primarily things that have been purchased that week or so. And it’s not like I have to fear that there won’t be food to put on the table. Or have to worry about not being able to buy it.

But still… it seriously hit an unexpected nerve.

There has never been a reason to have doubt of our food needs not being met. Logically I have full confidence in there not being any doubt in the near future, wacky economy or not.

And yet even a reduction in my safety net is enough to make me feel thrown off. How much trust does that show? How much faith do I have that it is so easily shaken with no reason to be?

I like my security blankets. My backup plans. My ability to take care of myself.

I say that I trust… but how much do I only trust when I have my backup plans ready and waiting? And is that actually even trusting?

I’m a bit frustrated with my emotions not being in touch with my logic on this one. I guess I expected better of them.

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