But what direction?

Continuing on into the book, a bit later on it does actually address lack of inspiration as an obstacle.

Which it says is entirely normal, and solved by moving forward anyway even though you don’t know where you are going with it, and letting the project lead where it does.

Which I suppose helps if you are a painter. Or really, if you know exactly what it is that you do.

I don’t really.

I mean, I have areas that I enjoy, and areas where in the past I have seen God use even my average or less than average abilities for his purposes.

But they aren’t in one area. Or even in similar areas.

And they aren’t even remotely close to consistent!

Examples…

In high school, I was always good at writing. I had paid articles published in magazines with worldwide distribution before I’d ever hit my junior year.

When I promptly followed up by failing the creative essay portion of the exam that would be required for graduation for all classes starting with the year younger.

Followed by being the only person in the school to get full AP credit for english by scoring high enough of the exam consisting of 3 essays. Followed by flunking a sophomore english comp class in college.

And reading this blog for a while you can probably understand why on either side.

My senior year in high school, my graphic arts instructor (who also taught photography) told me directly that my landscape pictures were better suited for active settings… for being scenes… for things to take place in them like a set of a play rather than standing alone. Which seemed to make sense at the time.

Until you fast forwarded to my senior year of college, where my field production instructor and I battled all semester… and I point blank got told I had an eye for still life scenes, but it didn’t work well with motion involved. (Since my grade was low enough already, my final project consisted almost entirely of still shots of scenes with no movement at all, with various filters and goofy lighting effects she hated as a news-oriented professional, mostly just to annoy her… only to have her be the producer of one of the shows I was floor directing for the entire last semester. I was very grateful that at least I wasn’t running field camera for the show.)

So how in the world am I supposed to have any clue what’s going to be used, when I’m not feeling a particular draw towards it? How do I figure out whether I should be grabbing clay, wax, paint, a camera, photoshop, a notebook? It’s not like I feel like the skill factor is there enough that any of them have any more probability on a given day than any of the others.

I ask for direction. But in lack of feeling a leaning of an answer, I wait… until either a leaning or a purpose for something comes onto the scene.

And, while I realize it’s probably something I should probably just stop overthinking and grab any given one of them and go…  with all of the battles of time and priorities, its a lot harder to do without having some sort of direction… even knowing that direction may well change 5 minutes into it.

So I know it’s an excuse, and pretty much a cop out. A  nice “if only” to fall back on.

But doing something about it is a still a battle.

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