Kiddo spent the night with mom the other night. (part of a passive aggressive thing on mom’s part, but whatever…)
So I had a chance to make a run to the store for a few things that I needed that I much preferred not having kiddo along.
And because I was going to the kitchen section, which is right behind the school supply section, I ended up in it. As mentioned in a few past posts, not the best place to be.
And now they have added bedding. Brightly colored and very cheap bedding. Like 14 bucks for sheet sets or soft blankets in full/queen, 19 for comforters… 7.50 twin sheets. And some of the sheet sets were t-shirt material type… my favorite for sheets but that I haven’t had since I was in college. And the blankets were really soft microfleece, not the rougher texture type that most cheap blankets are that drive me nuts.
Yes, they were in all three colors. And colors to match kiddo’s comforter and curtains, that match but don’t match any of her sheets due to a room theme change.
And considering my current comforter has spots where the fabric is snagged, and several spots where it’s been resewn.. and my two primary sets of sheets are both faded… and that I think the cheapest I’ve ever gotten a comforter I really liked before was about 40… had I been working, I’d have had little qualms about loading about 100 bucks worth of bedding into the cart and cheering for the items off the “need but nowhere near urgently” list at a good price… and having found ones I really liked without having to do a big search for them.
And directly across from the backpacks. Normally not a big pull, but of my multiple laptop cases, my absolute favorite is a small black leather backpack that could pass for a purse. But where it’s leather, I don’t use it when chance of rain etc.
But they had preschooler sized backpacks that were waterproof and almost exactly the same size… big pocket on front for cords… and in plain solid colors.
And full length mirrors in hot pink or purple frames for 6… kiddo had broken the one in my room last year..
And the one that finally pushed the tears was the purple skillet. Remember that grocery store set with pink, turquoise, and black? This one was the next sized larger and purple… perfectly matched to the others I’d wanted.
And so I ended up flipping out a bit. Which is odd for me, as I cry much more often when I’m mad than I do when sad.
Managed my way through.. grabbed a purple mixing cup, can opener, and spatula set for 1.50 each…. forgot half the things on my list..
Made it back to the car to cry for a bit.
When I’d calmed down a bit, the thing that struck me was that my thoughts weren’t really going in the pity party direction. Where I would have expected.
They were going in the failure direction.
The more I thought about it, the more I think part of what’s throwing me a loop is that usually, if I want something I can afford, I know I can set priorities, and if its a true priority, I can juggle things to make it work. Even last time I was unemployed, I managed to keep from it resulting in canceling a planned and expensive trip.
But this time… it feels like I’ve reached the point where there isn’t much left to juggle. Part of this is probably added to by knowing kiddo is going to need school fees paid and school supplies and at least a few new uniforms bought in the next month. While I know I can do it, it’s still a big chunk I usually don’t have in the monthly budget.
And especially with the shorter check earlier this month from where it ended the regular unemployment period.
And I know if it ever really comes down to it, I do have the moving fund that I can use. But that thought is far from one likily to make me feel better… as I know while it will have some wiggle room with city1, I know going just on moving fund will be kinda tight for first few months in city2.
But I guess what it boiled down to was back to the feeling of helplessness.
I feel like I’ve tried every trick up my sleeve, and long since discovered that none of them are getting me anywhere this round.
I’m feeling like I’d have been in the exact same position even had I given up and dropped out of high school rather than having a college degree.
And feeling like my best efforts to provide for myself and kiddo aren’t good enough right now.
And I know the answer is faith. Trust that it’s under control… that it’s not even my thing under my power to be trying to control in the first place…
But while knowing it logically… I guess I’m getting more impatient emotionally. And I’m trying to turn it over and have faith…. but its harder as time goes on.
So calmed down a bit, pouted in god’s direction a bit about the job thing. Went way off goal eating and scarfed down 3 jr bacon cheeseburgers on impulse from the wendy’s I passed on the way to the other store I needed to stop at. (yes, i know… worst reason to be eating them… )
And by the time I was done with that store, I was thinking a bit more logically again.
So back in the car, I re-evaluated a bit.
Pointed out to myself again that I really don’t want those skillets, nor do I need 4 skillets total anyway. That the throw pillows and lamps and other cool stuff would not go at all in the living room (which has colors of forest green, black, and pale tan)… which is the logical place they would be. That I really didn’t need yet another laptop case or small backpack, that my messenger style bag I use for travel isn’t that much bigger to use when wet. And that there really wasn’t a reason for more than one comforter, or sheet set when I have other faded ones as backups, or blankets in summer.
And so, partially just because I did actually need some of the stuff I forgot, I decided to go back. And decided that one color of comforter and one sheet set was reasonable… 35 was budget-able.. and trusting god to make sure everything that is a real need is covered, even if I get into pouty fits.
Next morning, signs came that time of the month is going weird on timing again. One of the handful of times I feel really relieved to realize I’m in PMS… so at least I can write off both the crying over small things in walmart and the cheeseburger binge as hormonally influenced.
and i still feel like a total dork for the whole incident.
But maybe the next day was more interesting…. as mom, whose hours have been cut so she doesn’t have a ton of income right now either, went to walmart. I’d mentioned to her that I’d seen they had the fleece type blankets in full/queen sized when she mentioned to me about not being able to find one of boo’s smaller fleece ones at her house when she spent the night…. but had said nothing more.
Boo came into the house that next day… carrying loot from grandma. A new set of sheets for her bed, and microfleece blanket for each of us (the one part of the single set that I hadn’t purchased… and in the color matching my new comforter.)
so it’s rather nice to have a god that responds to pouting dorks with signs of providing, when he would have so been justified with a lightning bolt or some other “snap out of your spoiled american-has-it-so-easy whining”.