Old vs acting old?

As I’ve mentioned a few times, we live in a neighborhood that is mostly older adults. My mom and stepdad, in their early 50’s, are actually towards the young end. 

We did get 2 new preschoolers on the block this year, but other than that, there is only one other house at the other end of the block with kids. Most of the neighbors have grandkids who are almost teenagers or older. 


So, halloween. 

The block is pretty much closed. About 7 houses have their porch lights on… and of those, only 2 were actually answering the door (and 1 of those was my mom!). The rest of those 7, left porch light on, lights obviously on in living rooms, but just didn’t answer. I felt like leaving notes that they would have a lot less knocking if they would turn the porch light off.

So, we drove over to a church trunk or treat at a large church, then to my aunts, then to my grandma’s house. Which was more than a bit awkward, having not seen her since the whole “have a nice life” christmas card, but civil enough.


And, as we have the past 3 years, we trick or treated there.

About half of the houses had either porch lights or decorations up. The ones that had lights of those, answered. (We didn’t bother the ones that didn’t have either porch lights or decorations, unless they had the front doors open.)

But oh the decorations!

These people put on a show. Lots of flying bats. Lots of spooky music. Tons of people answering the door in costume. 

Quite a few houses the people would set up in chairs outside… with or without fire pits.. or hide and scare kids.


Now… the irony…. is that this neighborhood is filled with even older people than ours! It’s seriously mostly retired people, many around my grandma’s age.

And yet, they have fun!

They enjoy the kids, many of whom are probably grandkids and great-grandkids of the other residents.

The difference never ceases to make me think.


Sure, the people over here had less effort. But at the end of the night, I bet they were still just annoyed at the doorbell and glad it was over.

But I always wonder what it is… that makes the difference. Is it just that the neighbors in the other neighborhood were having fun, and it spread by community? Is it a difference in relating to kids? Is it just an individual decision not to be grumpy and withdrawn?

I dunno. But whatever it is…. it makes a ton of difference. To everyone involved I’m sure!

How much is a chance worth?

So there’s this job opening.

It’s a company that does call centers…. has one not too far away actually that i’ve known a few people that had once worked for…. but this job is a work at home job.

Which, really, would be great. Both for child care issues, losing the commuting issue possibilities, and because it would let me move around and change positions and such to make things easier on my wrist.

So, its a reputable company… and pays by the hour instead of by the call… offers benefits for full time, which most work at home don’t… inbound calls, mostly customer service… and if i decide to move, city2 is on their list of allowed states.

googling them, i found a news thing that they are planning to increase their at home staff by 2,000 before the end of the year. and, several news stories about work at home trends mentioning them as a stable company to work for.


here’s the catch though.

i would need to buy a wired router, a new headset that has usb connection and digital conversion built in besides just the noise canceling, would need to change my internet to dsl, and would need to purchase an upgrade for my computer to run their program. 

i have no problem with any of this really…. if i got the job.

but that’s the thing…. it will not let you apply without first making you run system tests, connection speed tests, and voice quality tests for the headset.


it specifically states that you must apply on the computer and connection you would be working from, and will also run the verification tests if a job is offered, and you have to send in something to them to get permission to work on any different system and have that system tested too before using it.

so, to apply for the job, i’d have to put down at least 30 for the system upgrade (which would actually be to the newest version), 30 for a headset that would be uncomfortable to wear while working or 40 for one with the cushioning, and whatever the deposit would be to start phone service and dsl here.

just to apply…. before i’d actually have any idea if i had a chance of getting the job, or if they would be able to offer daytime hours… or anything like that.


is it worth $100 or more to apply for a job? 

i’m having a bit of a rough time with this one. 

i’ve applied to literally hundreds of jobs… so overall i’d say no.

but… if this keeps away the folks who aren’t willing to put in the costs (even most call center people are going to own a headset that doesnt have usb and/or the conversion built in)… then maybe this could be a good thing.

and, there are other work at home call center things i would probably also need similar setups for. though most pay by the call or commission and can’t guarantee volume, or can’t guarantee you’ll get to work enough hours, or have goofy bidding processes to be accepted onto different projects. or are outbound calling for sales.


but it also happens that this is really about the worst time. at the end of the month is when my extended unemployment ends. fortunately, the state right now has an additional extended benefit thing… and the application goes in automatically after i am no longer eligible for this tier…. however, there is a 3 week processing time.

so. i know i have 2 weeks more…. then will have at least 3 weeks without income coming in, but with all the normal bills going out. oh, and car tags and taxes due for the year in the middle of it. and copayments for kiddo having baby teeth pulled, only one of which is having issues but 3 of which they want to pull by looking at the xrays.

can we say really not a good time to be asking me to buy things with no promise of being able to use them for your company? how hard would it be to allow me to go to your office nearest here and apply, then test my equipment when i’m ready to start working for you?


sigh. but it sounds like it could work out so well if it did go through.

And so it’s late October…

Bad sign: the catalog company i’ve worked for over two past holiday seasons usually starts advertising for seasonal workers the last week in september, starts testing and interviews first week in october, and starts the first training group around the 13-14th of october. Here all three dates have passed, and not a word yet.  

usually they are pretty safe in the economy, being filled with very cheap (junk) items, and a lot of their customer base on a fixed income to start off with. but maybe not even thats enough this round.

I’ve thought about driving out to see if they are taking aps in person, but its close to half an hour drive away… so i’ve yet to make it. which freshly reminds me of how much i hate this drive, especially in winter… especially when snowing…. as its out about 2 miles from where the highway goes down to just 2 lanes, and isnt plowed or sanded at all…. nor is the parking lot… where i’ve had to have help with shovels a few different times to get my car out at the end of a shift.

Which actually reminds me of a whole host of other things I hate about this job… including the pushy sales expectations of random items following nearly every single item they order, especially when their customers are mostly homebound older people who don’t understand very easily. sometimes the sales thing is actually helpful…. they order the snowman shower curtain, i offer the matching hooks, rug, “commode cover set”, towels, etc so then they don’t have to give me the 10-12 digit item code for those. but its based on the same sort of thing as the “customers who purchased this item also frequently purchased”… so… if hercules hooks went on a half price sale the same week as a revolving christmas tree was, guess what i get to try to push on confused people buying the tree a month down the road?

and, probably the bigger deal breaker…. i physically can’t do the work extendedly. 

my wrist has issues with tendonitis…. that flare up when i’m typing extendedly without breaks of doing other activity. and the cubicles are not adjustable to change position or make things even close to ergonomic. so even with my wrist brace, after the 3rd or 4th week i’m taking pain killers at least daily… and dealing with numbness and sometimes twitching.

the wrist has flared up throughout both seasons of working for them before. so i have no doubt it will again.


so, i know that i dont like the job. and dont really want the job.

but still…. knew i could get hired for the job easily, and make it through a few months anyway before back to looking for something permanent. and right now, a job i dread is probably better than no job at all…. so i’m still kinda thrown a loop by their lack of online hiring. 

made for a nice security blanket of hope anyway.

The human heart is the most deceitful of all things…



(these kinda overlap… but i’m going to leave it as it came..)


Things I’m having trouble getting from head to heart right now:



* gods long term goal is not the sidelines.

it sure feels like it right now. but, a player who doesnt play isnt of much use. yes, they may need sidelined at times for recovery, rest, correction, etc.  but, its not the long term vision.


* that “he who has begun a good work in you” actually has a good work going. currently. 

again… right now i’m kinda feeling like a toe. nice to have around for balance, not really all that noticed if its missing, and its main purpose really seems to be slamming into things that it should have known were there in the dark, and being sore from rubbing against things that don’t fit quite right. feeling a bit lacking in a sense of purpose and usefullness.


* i’m not supposed to be able to fix everything. Including messes that i made myself. i’m not expected to do things that I can’t do.

I’m human, god knows this, and he intentionally made me not capable of fixing everything by myself so that i would be reminded of my need for his help. 

a child who has shattered a lamp might have consequences to avoid a repeat, and/or to make things up to the lamp’s owner…. but they would not be expected to unshatter the lamp.

i’m supposed to ask for help… to cry for it when needed… not to just feel hopeless because i can’t make everything new again, messes be unmessy, and all my world running just right.


* that he is willing to help. 

yes, i know that he _can_ help. but _will_ he help in this case is sometimes a different question. and i know that when he doesn’t intervene there is a good reason in the long run… but i’m finding myself having a hard time being optimistic of my chances of getting help

as far as even correcting prayers, following the request immediately with “or give me a clue as to what direction i’m supposed to be going to try and fix this” which i’d say really doesnt show much faith in help being given. 




they’re things i know logically…. in the mental part of my brain. most of them i know have a long train of verses to back them up that i can at least halfway quote.

(example, ps 81…  

6 “Now I will take the load from your shoulders;
      I will free your hands from their heavy tasks.
 7 You cried to me in trouble, and I saved you;
      I answered out of the thundercloud
      and tested your faith when there was no water at Meribah.)

but right now, they are having a tough time winning over the heart and emotions of what i feel instead of what i know.