Fears and self acceptance.

So. I got an envelope from the college today. The one I’m hoping to get into for the remaining two programs that I have a shot at for next year.

Nothing too out of the ordinary… I’ve gotten quite a few of them lately from random paperwork back and forth.. they received my app for the college, they received this transcript, then that one, then I was accepted into the college itself, then they needed this paperwork for financial aid, then they assigned so and so to my admissions contact…. etc etc etc.

The degree audit was one of the other letters last week. I feel owe their transcript analyst a thank you present of some sort… as everything transferred perfectly, and the classes they listed as my ones to fulfill their requirements leaves me with all a’s and b’s except 1 c.

But this was the letter for the second choice of the two programs.

I have an interview on monday.

It wasn’t till I opened this letter that I realized exactly how much I’m expected the answer to be “no”.

My first thought on seeing that the letter was from the department was literally to think of sending a facebook message to a friend of mine who also went back to school, telling her “yay, i wont have to take chemistry!”

But… instead I’m on to the next level.

What strikes me the most is how different this is than the first time through college. I had no fears on acceptance, to anything I applied to.

But now… after a decade… I’m both pessimistic and honestly scared.

I wonder exactly how many rejections I’ve had in the past decade. For that matter, in the last few years. I’d guess at least into the thousands by now. Most of the time without even an interview.

Most of the time feeling like I didn’t even really have a chance.. no matter if I could have easily done the job.

So I’m trying to convince myself that this will be different.

That this will be based on ability.

That this is academics, not popularity networking.

But it’s not working well.

And this interview is really scaring me.

Because my biggest fear right now i that I won’t be judged fairly.

You see, the application process said that “those who meet the academic qualifications will be given an interview”. The one question all year has been whether or not they were going to hold the gpa from the former classes against me, or just look at the more recent ones, or look at the official college degree audit.

So if I’m getting an interview, they obviously went with one of the latter two, and that hurdle is passed (for this program anyway).

And with that passed, so is the objective portion. The portion where I would be ok if I failed to get in due to just not having what I needed.

But this subjective portion is starting to terrify me.

Not because I’m scared I’ll freeze up, or won’t be able to come up with good answers…. one perk of going through tons of job interviews that never went anywhere is that they don’t scare me too much anymore.

But I’m scared because it’s so easy to be judged by any number of irrelevant factors.

Will they be able to see beyond the fact that I’m older than they other applicants probably are?

Or that I’m female?

Or that I’m not only fat, but fat and trying to go into a profession that’s related to health?

Or that I’m more of an introvert and not the happy bubbly type that instantly makes friends with everybody?

Or even that I have hair that’s starting to get really long in a profession that will probably require it to be pulled up most of the time? Or even that I wear glasses in a profession that requires visual elements?

Or that I’m a single parent if the topic of children comes up?

Should these be things they consider? Are they things they ever realize that they are taking into account?

Should I make efforts to try and minimize them in a last ditch effort to make it into the program?

I’m filled with thoughts of running out and purchasing the strongest spanx I can find, chopping my hair off at the neck, wearing my contacts instead of my glasses even though they drive me eyes nuts in allergy season, putting one of my old rings on my left hand… and doing the best fake bubbly impression that I can come up with.

But.

That’s not me that they’d be seeing.

While I have enough comfort in my own skin to not be too concerned about these sorts of trivial surface judgements on most days… with the sort of weight on the future that this interview could end up having, it’s really giving that comfort a run for its money.

That comfortable me is having a hard time being coaxed out from under the bed… and really feels like sending “least possible judgeable factor” me in it’s place.

Will I regret it if I don’t try my hardest to remove irrelevant factors as much as I can, and I don’t get accepted?

Will I regret it if I do, no matter what the result?

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