Hard day emotionally around here.
Funeral for grandma is tomorrow, so things are of course drama with the family, mostly over money things right now.
But harder on me right now anyway was having to go re-enroll in a state sponsored job program I’d tried once before right after Boo was born.
Essentially, they help you do the basic job search stuff like write resumes and cover letters that’s generally stuff a lot of people already know how to do. But, the biggest help is that they essentially badger places on your behalf, and try and pull any strings they have with any particular companies. They also request that you put the instructors as your references so that they can hype all they can to anyone calling for references. Then they get state funding, which I’ve heard both ways as to whether or not it’s based on their success rate.
So it’s basically jumping through hoops and sitting through classes that seem really obvious in exchange for having them hype employers in your favor.
Not an awful thing… just sort of frustrating to be at the point where that’s my best idea.
It’s just one of those times where I feel like everything I’ve tried to do with life has been an utter and complete failure. Wasn’t going to college and gaining office and customer service skills supposed to lead to a path that went the opposite direction as where I’ve been stuck?
Talking to the career counselor didn’t help me feel any better. She was professional, not rude or especially harsh… but she still seemed like she thought since I had a college degree I just must not be trying hard enough. Told me I might have to make peace with settling for something less than I’d been paid before, and something outside my degree field. AS IF I HAVEN’T TRIED THAT?!?!
I pointed out that I couldn’t even get them to hire me for a 2 month minimum wage position watering plants and running a cash register. And I do now remember this being a bit of a point with them before too, as the vast majority of their people at that time were high school grads if that, and sometimes it seemed like they got a lot more credit for less success.
She asked me why I thought I wasn’t being hired.
I told her that what I’ve heard from most people who’ve been willing to tell me why they didn’t hire me was a lack of experience. I’ve got two to three years per job, but in 4 vastly different areas.
She responded, yup, it’s all disjointed, you need to learn to find a job and keep it. Again… as if this was news to me… as if I had just gotten bored and quit. Even after she’d gone over my work history and knew that the only one that was semi-voluntary ended was after doctors advice and with the knowledge that my wrist issue was not going to get better or be out of pain until I did.
And then I went there and addressed the elephant in the room (literally? lol) and admitted that I’m suspicious the reason I don’t get hired for the more physical stuff is being a fat girl. Would I have been hired for the plant job had I been skinny or a guy? Or the retail jobs that mention lifting requirements?
Maybe…. maybe not. Hard to even know for sure, but sometimes it does seem logical… especially with some of the jobs that include stocking things and other physical tasks.
Can I do the tasks? Yes, easily. Do they see a fat girl and assume she’s weak, lazy, less than capable? It’s more possible than I usually want to admit.
She didn’t say a word. Don’t know if that means she wrote it off as another excuse, or if she agreed and didn’t have an answer.
When she pulled my file from last time, she glanced through the paperwork, including a bound booklet that had maybe 30-40 pages in it. Only then did I remember that last time they made me go through a really long really extensive psych eval before the program. Like full day of testing, plus more than an hour talking to someone on a different day.
She vaguely mentioned it “not showing any issues related to employment”. Which is really making me wonder what exactly that thing says!
Not like I don’t realize I’ve got my issues…. but I’d still love to see what it came up with…
Especially since at the time I was a new single mother, on welfare, having left a relationship that was abusive and involved drug use, having had a very serious 3 year relationship end just a bit over a year earlier in a very messy way, and in a messy family situation.
Since it didn’t show any employment related issues they aren’t making me repeat it even though its closer to a decade old than it is to current. I almost wish they would’ve wanted to repeat it.
I’d like to think I’m a great deal more secure and stable emotionally.
But then, right now might not have been the best time to prove that point… as I did end up crying most of the way home.