Numb vs disconnected

It’s expected that sometime today I will lose my last grandparent.

Actually, it was expected last night. And actually, should have been yesterday morning but my aunt had failed to even tell the hospital that my grandma had written directives that she not be revived, which may or may not have had motives based on what the title to a house says.

This is the grandma from the whole “have a nice life” Christmas card thing. Drama still abounds in that side of the family, even more than it did back then even. In fact, the surgery that caused the heart attack was caused by infection in a self-inflicted wound to create drama.

Such a high cost for the sake of having a stir and being the center of attention.

But I’m finding myself a bit surprised over how little I’m feeling shaken by this.

And I can’t really tell anymore if it’s just that so much hurt and injury has built up that I’ve just stopped feeling it (a negative thing), or whether time and dealing with things has brought enough of a disconnect between the chaos of the past and the limited amount that I try to allow it to be involved in my current life (a positive boundary thing).

It’s not the bitterness of past hurts, or the sad of reopened wounds… it just sort of is.

About the response I would feel of someone connected to an acquaintance. Which, honestly, has sort of been about the depth of connection we’ve ever had. This is the grandma that always lived within 20 minutes drive of us, and we only saw her on Christmas and with a tone of us being a tolerated pain even then.

And there’s been the hurt and bitterness over the extreme differences in treatment of grandchildren in the past.

But it’s just sort of weird to be in a place where I’m really not sure if not feeling those sorts of feelings anymore is a sign of positive growth or a sign of negative inability to deal with hurt anymore.

The biggest thing I’m feeling right now on the situation is dread of the chaotic family drama sure to follow in the aftermath. I managed to miss the last funeral on this side of the family from the timing of a kidney stone… still a bit wondering if there is any way possible to miss this one without creating any added waves in places close enough to me to have consequences.


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