Spelling it out

After the craziness of being at work at 4am, my sleep schedule is really thrown off again.

It had pretty much ended up that I was going to bed about 9:30 pm, getting up around 2:30am, working until about 10 or 11am depending on the day, then coming home and napping until about 3 pm.

Which doesn’t allow a lot of time for getting things done, and sort of disorients you a bit when you aren’t entirely sure initially whether the 3:00 alarm that just woke you up is the middle of the night or the middle of the afternoon. (Old house, heavy curtains for drafts block more light than you’d think)

Anyway… my point in all of this is actually just to give my excuse as to why I was having trouble staying away in church, when the service we attend doesn’t even start until 11:15. (The new regular nap time!)

And so, as one of my regular stay-awake strategies in both church and classes, I found myself picking random key words, and using my finger to trace them out on my leg, letter by letter, line by line. It’s sort of weird, but it works. LOL

And midway through a totally random word, I found myself completely unable to remember what word I was spelling.

I remembered the past couple of letters, but they were vague… 2 vowels and an “R”… could have been anything (Ok, well, actually it couldn’t, “anything” doesn’t have an “R”…)

And in one of those abrupt lightning bolt moments, a point having absolutely nothing to do with the sermon hit me.

Sometimes when not patient, even when actively listening at the moment, you don’t the messages… it takes time and patience and dedicated focus to both add the new and build upon the old.

I’m hearing/feeling the current letter as it becomes traced out and built line by line, I’m remembering the past few… but it takes the focus, and attention, and a whole lot of patience to wait… to let it play out and keep with it… to have it make any sense.

Not just as each line/event builds upon the next to make a letter showing where it falls into place to make sense with the other lines….. but then as each letter is built upon the next to form the word and give meaning to the letters and to get the message they send.

Let alone to someday get the whole story that the sentence tells.

Which, really, is what’s driving me nuts right now.

I’m sitting here with an “E”, an “R”, and an “A”… and I haven’t the foggiest idea what I’m supposed to be doing with them. I’ve seen how the lines fit together intentionally, I know there’s a word being spelled out purposefully… but I still haven’t the foggiest idea where this is going or what I’m supposed to be doing with it just yet.

Is ERA the word? Are there more letters coming to make it ERASE etc? Did I miss letters before them and only catching the middle of the word?

It’s not that I don’t see any signs of a point in all of the junk of the past few years… it’s that I feel like I’m lost, clueless, and haven’t caught the foggiest idea of what it is or what I’m supposed to be doing with it.

Treading water of survival and feeling like I have no clue what direction I’m supposed to be swimming.

Now as to whether this means I’m needing to realize that this is still early in a long haul process and to stick with it and give it time and focus before it’s going to have an obvious meaning…
Or meaning that I’m needing to refocus on past lessons and connect them to recent and current happenings…
Or both…

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