I recently had a series of two of those unusual dreams that I get.
Two different nights, about a week or so apart.. but both sort of an oddly sexual feel. Which of course made them even more weird, being a single female that hasn’t had a sex life in many years, or even dated in many for that matter.
The first dream had a series of guys… apparently guys that were being dated.
The guys changed frequently… from makeout session to makeout session… at an almost frantic pace. All different types, all different private scenes, but this heavily physical frenzy ran throughout.
And then, in the end, there was a calm scene. A room full of people who seemed to be friends, watching a movie on the tv in a casual setting.
I was on my side towards the back of the room, with a guy that I once had a crush on sitting behind me leaning against something.
For balance, he set his hand on my side at the waist gently. Not something meant as affection, just familiarity and balance, not even really an intentional planned out move.
The effect from just the soft and gentle touch in a completely non-sexual way had an effect that just spread throughout my body, with such a calm that the frenzied feeling just completely left.
The second dream made the leap from making out to full on sexual encounters, but with a similar setup. Different guys, different places, same thing over and over.
But this one had a totally different feel. Where the first had more of a feeling like I was the one controlling and causing things, this one had a feeling of being trapped. Instead of a frantic feel, it had more of a forced repetition to it… but in a rough, harsh way.
Eventually it came to the final scene, where I was with two men, but an ex boyfriend of mine happened through the area. In real life, we dated for about a year and a half, a stable relationship but nothing of real depth or attachment… I got the feeling we’d dated in the dream too, but not that far in the past.
So he comes into the picture, and I know that if I can just sleep with him, I won’t be trapped, and everything will be over. Everything will be ok.
And so I start begging and pleading and bargaining with the guys that I was with, and they approach him, and ask him to pay to sleep with me. He steps over closer to me, and very gently touches my hand to get me to look up at him… then asks me if this is what I want. I nod, and hope he can see from my eyes how desperate I am.
And so he pays the guys. For what was previously his without having to pay.
The guys disappear. Things proceed, and even though I’d been sure this would make things right, it wasn’t. I got hopeless and scared that I was trapped forever… when he pauses and looks into my eyes with a look filled with love and compassion… then softly asks if this is what I really wanted.
I burst into tears of disappointment… and he pulls me up to him and into his arms and just holds me… and suddenly, this is what fixes everything. As he just sits there holding me, not moving or doing anything, somehow all of the trapped feeling melts and everything feels peaceful and safe now.
Sometimes I don’t really get the meaning of the weird dreams. But this time, after the second one, I woke up and actually think I do this time.
I think sometimes in practice, I lust after God more than I love him. (Yes, I know that sounds weird. )
I want to feel the big feelings. I want him to reach down in an amazing moment of power… in a decisive way… with no doubt whatsoever.
I want the times what are just so unmistakeable… just so clearly God moments.
I want the passion. An earth-shattering moment to suddenly change everything. Mountaintop moments.
And I completely forget about how much of the time peace and love come not through the big moments… but through the small ones.
Through just being held.
Through soft, gentle touches that you might miss in the frenzy.
From the quiet, still moments.
I’m sometimes too busy wishing for lightning to just be still and soak.
In human relationships, it’s basically the difference between lust and love. I feel like I’m going after what is really love, when I’m really caught up in the feelings and looking for passion, not the true depth that I really long for.
The gentle times of quiet depth bring the peace, the freedom, the calm.
It ends the frenzied chase for dramatic feelings, and the trapped hopelessness that sometimes comes from life.
The feelings and passionate moments have their place, but it’s a secondary place… not what I need to be looking for, but what should come on their own in their own time as a result.
Sometimes I’m too busy asking for fire to fix things to pay attention to the slow moving water in the stream.