The second possibility

Some things going on in the drama circle lately brought this topic to mind… so I decided to write about it a bit. Sort of fits in well after the baby story anyway.

With having colic and reflux issues and never managing to adapt to a set schedule, Boo was a really hard baby. Lots of crying and screaming, but she did very little sleeping.

The one time we tried the whole ferber method sleep training where you let them cry themselves to sleep on their own and only go in every 15 minutes, she was 6 months old… we started at 8pm, and finally gave up at 2am, no sleep occurring in the process.

So, I seriously had my hands full with her.

She was born at the end of January. At the end of July, when she was right about 6 months old, I started dating a guy that we will call J.

J was older than me, and had been separated from his wife for about 4 months, but the divorce was not yet final due to a bitter custody battle.

He had 3 young kids, one of which was autistic… and was on a bunch of different medications and therapists that J felt helped a lot, but the wife didn’t think were needed at all.

So they were alternating weeks of who had the kids, but because the wife didn’t give the medications and very frequently missed the therapist visits, he was fighting for full time custody of at least the autistic son but preferably all three.

He told me upfront, very clearly and early on that as much as he wanted the full custody of his kids, he did not want any more kids at all, and just as soon as the divorce was final and he could get his finances stable again, he would be making sure that he medically couldn’t have any more.

J also made it clear that he was still getting his bearings after not dating for the past 8 years, and so he wasn’t looking for anything serious. I was well aware that he’d started dating at least one other girl not too long after we’d started dating, and figured there were more I didn’t know about based on his schedule.

But then, I wasn’t sure that I was looking for anything just yet either… still a bit cautious after the mess of the previous relationship that I’d jumped into too quickly, so I was ok with this… and honestly a bit glad that he wasn’t pushing towards any sort of commitment any time soon.

J was also allergic to latex.

I don’t know if they have gotten any better by now, but at least at the time, non-latex condoms really don’t cooperate nearly as well, or stretch quite the same way to fit and stay well.

And so it was that at the start of september…

I found myself staring at a positive pregnancy test.

A bit less than 6 weeks into a relationship that I knew wasn’t stable.
with a guy that I knew passionately did not want more children.
when I was already barely keeping it together as a single mom with a 7 month old baby that was just now even sitting up by herself.
and still recovering from what to me was a traumatic experience with the first birth.

And so, I did the same illogical thing that I did when I had my first pregnancy test with boo, and I took another one by a different brand. And a third.

And just as before, they refused to change to the outcome that I wanted.

The next few weeks were the only time in my life that I’ve considered myself pro-choice.

Adoption might have been a possibility this time since I didn’t see J as likely to object to it as the previous jerk had… but that still meant giving birth again, and trying to survive it, and that was something that I didn’t really think that I could do. At all.

And so, I started looking online into sites giving information about abortion…. and trying to get up my courage to tell J what was going on.

I never did get that courage.

And so I told nobody.

A major contrast to the first pregnancy, when most people close to me knew within a week or less of when I knew for sure.

The one friend that I considered telling was going through her own divorce at the time, some of the problems related to unsuccessful attempts to have a baby… so she wasn’t told either.

But admitting what was going on to someone would have meant also admitting where my mind was as far as possibilities.

I wanted no one to know about that… my excuse at the time being that I didn’t want them to be sad after it ended or be upset with me, but in retrospect, I think it was a lot more from fear that they would have talked me out of it.

After just under 3 weeks of fear and worries and feeling hopeless and alone, I was starting to feel pressure that if I was doing what I was considering, then it needed to be done soon… and so I decided that no matter what happened that night, I had to tell J.

But dinner didn’t seem like the right time. And Boo had actually managed to fall asleep during dinner, and so immediately following dinner J led me by the hand to his bedroom in a sweet way that I still remember this many years later.

And so afterwards… I’m trying to hold back tears in the semi-darkness as I’m trying to come up with a way to begin the discussion… and he heads towards the bathroom, which opened right off of his bedroom door.

He turned on the light, then paused and grabbed a towel, wiped himself off and then leaned back and held the towel up in the light coming into the room so that I could see blood… and a lot of it.

I don’t think that I’ve ever been as relieved as I was at that moment.

I made an appointment the next week with a new general practice doctor to start birth control. When I told them what had happened, they just brushed it off as a wrong test thrown off by my hormone levels being off, and just being a late and heavy period… nothing too abnormal.

And two months later, just a few days before Christmas, J ended things by instant message, telling me that he had decided to live with another girl and move to another town about 2 hours away. Only then did I realize exactly how bad I’d failed at trying to make “no commitment” mean “no attachment”

About a year later, in a different and stable relationship, I ended up going to planned parenthood for birth control, as I had no insurance and their sliding fee made it about $30 every three months with no fee for the yearly female exam.

I found myself shocked at how different they were from what I had expected. Very professional, and given that they do birth control and reproductive stuff all day every day, they were really good at what they did.

I’d been on the birth control shot for about a year through the general doctor, but I’d had some side effects that he’s basically brushed off as being part of the deal. The person I saw this time asked about any side effects I was having, and had very simple answers on how to easily fix them… and their answers worked!

So, when the next yearly exam rolled around, they asked the same question… and I mentioned the solutions that I was using when I had them…

And I jokingly mentioned that with the shot suppressing periods, that my main side effect was paranoia that I was really pregnant and didn’t realize it.

And from there, the discussion went to pregnancy tests.

I told them that with my hormones being off, I was never sure that it was accurate and that it wasn’t being thrown off by hormones.

They explained that it wasn’t possible.

The chemical that is measured by a pregnancy test is only made by the placenta. So it only exists really when the placenta does… so no matter what high or low level my other hormones were, they wouldn’t fake its existence… nor would they mask it.

She also explained that this meant that a negative might actually be false if there were not high enough levels of the chemical floating around yet…. but that a positive would only very rarely be false from test manufacturing issues mostly, because if the chemical is there, there’s no other reason that it would be there.

And so why did I have three different false positives, by two different brands, within a few days of each other?

Because they weren’t false.

She said that one of two things happened.

The most common would be something called a blighted ovum… where the egg implants but then never develops a baby, and so it eventually gets kicked out by the body when it figures out that it’s not actually growing and is just sitting there.
(Looking at stuff online since then, it can be a bit more complicated.. and sometimes a sac does actually form from the egg.. but that’s the basic explanation she gave)

But she said that given the timing, she would have expected that to be a shorter time frame.
(Though I’ve seen things online of people only finding out when there was no heartbeat.. so not too sure on this reasoning.)

The second possibility that she saw as more likely, particularly because I was having pregnancy symptoms besides just the tests… and with the sudden appearance of a lot of blood rather than a slower start like a normal period… is that what I experienced was an early miscarriage.

For whatever reason, whether there was something wrong with the baby’s development, or whether something wrong with my body from the issues with the c-section, or whether my body just wasn’t healed enough yet to be ready for another round that soon… for some reason the baby had started to develop, but wasn’t able to be maintained.

She went on a bit from there… basically just telling me some stuff about miscarriages… that sometimes they never know why, but if I ever had trouble getting pregnant in the future when I wanted to be, it’s something that I would probably want to mention and that might need looked into further to eliminate issues that might exist from the c-section healing not going right.

I’d asked for an explanation… and I got it.

And while I’m usually glad to learn things instead of being brushed off… I’m still not entirely sure that I’m glad that I asked.

It’s nice to know how the tests work… and what I’ve read seems to back up the info that she gave me…

But sometimes I think I’d have been better off just accepting the brush off answer that something else was making the tests give false answers and that all the rest was just mental as a result.

Because now sometimes I find myself wondering.

Would I have gone through with what I’d been thinking? Would J have supported that, or gotten over his no more kids passion in the face of another one existing?

If he had been ok with the plan, would it have been enough to calm me down and give me enough support to be ok with it?

If he’d been ok with another kid, would it have calmed me down enough to be ok with it? Would it have changed the way that things played out in the relationship?

And as hard as it would have been in what was already a hard position… and as totally not ready for it as I felt… how would it have turned out if I did have a second kid instead of just an only child? Especially that close in ages…. I’d calculated early May for a due date at the time, meaning they’d have been less than 16 months apart.

There’s always a purpose and a plan to everything. Things happen the way that they do for a reason.

But I guess the more and more time goes on, and the massive emotions of the incident fade… and the more that the years have calmed things into more openness to future possibilities…

The more I wonder about alternate endings the story could have taken.

The conference

I’ve always joked that my brother first daughter and boo got genetics crossed somehow.

I got two detentions in my entire school life.

Which is part of why more and more I dread parent teacher conferences.

This round was no exception.

Especially with the recent issue of constant lies… which includes telling me homework was done when it wasnt, or telling me it was only this and that when it wasnt…

Resulting in a conference where I was informed that she’s had 18 detentions. Just this quarter… roughly 9 weeks.

All for not getting things done or not getting things signed.

And while showing near honor roll grades and really high state testing scores… making it look like her problem is only at home.

Followed by being told that her hoodie smells… (She likes to throw it down on the loveseat or floor at grandmas house and it gets cats sleeping on it… and since it’s only used like a jacket it only gets washed about weekly. I haven’t noticed a smell on it particularly but then I’m around cats…)

Followed by being told (by both teacher and nurse) that she’s still refusing to eat the vast majority of her lunches.. only eating the dessert most days. (She won’t eat packed lunches from home either though, unless they are lunchables and other expensive and less than healthy junk).

Followed by a discussion in which my mom (who I asked to come along for backup on the “we’re trying” on homework thing) tells the teacher and the nurse that she refuses to take medications for me without a battle… which the teacher makes it sound like its pretty clear that its just a control issue and I need better control over her.

Oh, and that’s not mentioning that grandma had signed up for field trip assistance earlier in the quarter, then backed out because she thought my nearly 30 year old brother might need to go to the ER (but didn’t… and had someone to take him even if he did…).

Then signed up for another field trip at the conference.

Then made it clear she was coming the next day for the grandparent lunch day, then cancelled half an hour before leaving me to run up there in her place because boo was expecting her to bring lunch and her bookfair money… and to field questions from boo and the teacher as to what happened to her grandma being there.

Is there a medal for loser family of the year? I think we just might be in the running in their eyes.

Just really hoping this doesn’t result in them calling people “in concern”. Last thing we need right now.

I feel like I’m doing what I can… and it’s just never enough, or even close.

I’m seriously trying to come up with a way to talk her out of going to the traditional magnet middle school after next school year. Yes, it has the best scores in the district, and yes our local one is near the lowest and scores so low that kids are allowed to opt out to another school… but I’m just not sure we can keep doing this constant ongoing struggle that much longer.

She can have the really high test scores all she wants… if she just doesn’t care, there’s not much of a way to force her to care if she’s already decided that she doesn’t.

The Call To Wonder by R.C. Sproul Jr.

The Call to Wonder by RC Sproul is the latest book that I’ve received from Tyndale House for reviewing the book.

The book mostly focuses on the various aspects of being “like little children“, and how these relate to our relationship with God.

Some of these are fairly straightforward… such as the call to trust our Father, and the nature of children to be happy to be able to please just for the sake of being able to please. (He does actually have 8 kids… though sometimes looking at the kids that I know I might the question the latter trait.)

The call to wonder itself, from the title, is one of these but not the entire book focus as I had expected.

Some points of the book were made really well, such as the difference between just being in awe and feeling small in comparison to being in wonder and thrilled with the mystery of the vastness.

His approach on some of the topics was different that what I’m used to, and really made me think of things differently at times.

One that particularly struck me was a minor point made that what God says can be trusted, because what he says becomes reality. He says there is light, and there is light. The example was used that if God said that the author is a car, God would not being lying, the author would find himself suddenly having wheels.

However… at other times, this also made me feel like I’m really just not quite getting it. I found myself wishing this were a class instead of a book so I could ask him to explain it a bit differently or give another illustration.

The example of this that stands out to me is in a discussion of his special needs daughter.

He explained that when we enter the presence of God, we are transported in location into another realm.
(Got it this far..)
But because God is eternal, his presence is in eternity… so when we enter, we are as well… thus we are also transported into another realm of time, not just a different realm of location.
(New, but ok, I follow here..)
So he believes that in these times, since we are in eternity, we are also past the victory… and so in these moments his daughter is healed, and can understand him perfectly, and can speak, though she doesn’t as it then allows him to believe by faith instead of sight.
(Ok, I’m not quite sure that I’m getting this one. If I have a broken arm in the physical realm and current time, being in the presence of God may transport my spirit.. but my arm would still be stuck here and now. Though, yes, I do believe that the presence of God showing into this realm can change things here, I guess I’m just not quite getting the connection on how he’s getting where he’s getting here.)

I think I might have preferred reading this book as part of a group study, mainly to be able to discuss and try to get some of the points where I feel like I’m just not quite getting it… but it is a good book and an interesting read, and does have some perspectives that were new to me and made me think about things in a different way.

1st Chapter .PDF

Tyndale book page

Amazon book page

For chips’ sake…

I guess it’s been about a year ago that there was a promotion going on for farmville and some of the other zynga games, where if you bought certain products at 7-11, they came with a code for getting an item for your game that couldn’t be bought elsewhere and was pretty cool.

The nearest 7-11 to here is in the suburbs of city1, roughly 2 hours away.

And so, eventually my mom and i figured out that there were lots of them listed on ebay. We paid about 3-4 bucks each depending on how popular the virtual item was… even though we knew some of them had come from drink cups that had cost the person about 59 cents.. and were thrilled to have sheep going down a waterslide in our farms, etc even though we lived nowhere near where the item was available.

So they are running another promotion currently… this time on bags of chips of certain brands, and only at walmarts in the us. And featuring a new game that my mom plays, even though neither of us are as into farmville anymore.

However… these chips have been nowhere to be found in the walmarts. They were supposed to have been there for the past 3 weeks, but we’ve had no luck at any of the local walmarts we’ve been in.

Until tonight… when we finally found some while running an errand for mom.

There are 5 different types of chips in the checkout stand type of medium sized bags, each one having a certain prize in each of the games. For two of the brands, we found quite a few on the shelf…. for one we only found 2, and another we only found 3. The 5th brand didn’t have any.

As it happened, the two brands that had lots were ones that my daughter likes, and so I grabbed 4 or 5 of each knowing that they wouldn’t go to waste as they’d be happily eaten for after school snacks. more junk food than i’d prefer, but hey, she eats them.

And so we ended up leaving walmart with roughly 15 bags of chips. about two grocery sacks worth, costing about 20 bucks total.

And so, having found some codes finally.. and having already looked on ebay previously when we couldn’t find them anywhere and found that there weren’t nearly as many up this time, I decided to post the spare codes on there to help someone else out that didn’t have one near or couldn’t find them.

Most of the codes listed were going for 4 dollars each if they were just one code, or about 3 dollars each if they were a set. About the same price as we’d paid last time, but not as much variation based on what the prize was this round.

But, because my mom and I both have a good number of people on our facebook accounts who play games, especially castleville lately, and do have a handful of international people who don’t have the ability to get the chips, it was suggested that i give facebook friends first dibs and see if any of them wanted to buy them first.

Either my head was in the sand, or i phrased the post really wrong…. as the response was not what i expected. here both my mom and i thought this would be doing a favor to the friends who couldn’t get the codes…. instead, people flipped out.

telling me that if they had any friends who wanted codes they would have gone to the store and gotten them the bags of chips and given them to them. accusing me of running a scam, calling me names, and using language a good number of the people on my friends list would probably find offensive.

even declaring that i was greedy and selfish for buying more than just one bag of chips.

it struck me as a bit ironic that one of the players on my kid’s team once brought these same types of chips on the week they had snack duty, for a total of just about the same number of bags that i’d bought.

but then, those chips hadnt had codes on them. but, considering that these had been mixed in with the bags that also didnt have codes on them, i’d say these ones would be just as likely to have been picked up by someone just wanting chips and not caring that there was a game logo on the front had they been left there. i’m sure tons and tons of the codes just get thrown away because if you aren’t one of the people looking for them, chips and just chips.

sigh. so thats the mess i managed to wander myself into this evening.

i ended up just deleting the entire post i’d made due to the language of the comments, and after i’d deleted a couple comments new ones had just been put there.

and i listed the first spare code of each type on ebay… at least there people who are looking for them can get them, and people who aren’t don’t get furious about selling something instead of giving it away. (which, honestly, if someone who wanted one would have asked me to, i would have anyway… boo still got the chips either way lol)

its only been 2 hours, and one auction has 5 “watchers“, and 2 of the others each have 2.

but i’m still not sure if i shouldnt post a message on my status apologizing for the language to those on my list i know tend to be very conservative and upset about those sorts of things.

Gotten us into…

I’m starting to wonder what I’ve gotten myself into on deciding to let kiddo try to go to church camp.

my original answer to the children’s pastor was “there’s very very little chance”.

however, kiddo had already told her that she was probably going to be going to daycamp at the y for the summer anyway, so she could probably just go to church camp instead.

which, ok, was true… but i didn’t particularly want to go into the fact that the state subsidy program will help pay for the already cheaper than daycare y camps, but not the $340 for one week church camp… particularly while standing in a busy hallway with other parents trying to pick up their kids.

and so somehow i ended up letting myself get talked into it, with the assurance of fund raisers and being able to work with my not having the deposit on time… plus with camp being the first week of august giving until the end of june to come up with the rest.

but then, it turns out our church only actually has 7 campers this year for some reason.

and so, they ended up on a wait list for this camp… basically to be filled into a gap where a large church reserved a ton of beds but had at least 7 not filled when their payment was due 4 weeks before camp.

and so, i have no clue how fast the money will be needed until 4 weeks before they go, but it could be as early as early may if they get into the june sessions.

quite a different situation to have two months less to come up with it… especially when my school expenses would be mostly in april and may, so june would have been more open.

but also a different situation when you only have 7 kids and their parents running fundraisers. its a lot easier when you have like 30 and can split them into groups or whatever… or have each one just have a small part. but 7? that doesn’t give much space.

and then came the announcement of which ones they are doing. catering for after-church dinners and throwing ladies teas are probably some of my least favorite options they could have decided to use. i dont even want to attend those sorts of things, let alone be involved with doing them.

can’t i just spray some cars with a hose and dish soap in the name of a car wash or something, or have people pledge so much for each lap or minute or other measurement of some random task my kid does at a particular time? jump rope.. walk a thon… something..

the other selection of a bake sale didn’t sound bad… i mean, i end up sending stuff for school fundraisers a few times a year. puppychow aka muddybuddys tends to sell the best there… one big batch makes about 30 snack sized baggies that sell for 50 cents, and it makes about 15 dollars… 3 dozen cookies selling for 50 cents each makes about 12… about the same with rice krispie treats.. almond bark covered pretzels makes a ton and makes a small fortune it seems.

umm.. no.

the email had about 4 links on tips, and announced that we would be spending the day working on presentation and adding ribbons.

the first link had the suggested price list, including 2 dollars each for cookies, 3 each for brownies or cupcakes, 5 for small loaves of whatever.

?!?!?!

i cant say i would ever pay $2 for a cookie unless its one huge cookie.

the next link had a bunch of pictures of very professional looking cupcakes. And suggested we look for fancy cupcake wrappers, and wrap everything in cellophane, and even consider buying a certain type of clear plastic cups to put the cupcakes inside before wrapping so they travel well as gifts.

and said people pay well for good baking.

maybe thats my thing… i pay cheap for basic things and just sell a ton of them instead of selling a few upscale baked goods. usually seems to be a decent strategy.

and the next link… was a cupcake suggestion.

http://www.bettycrocker.com/recipes/pink-bunny-cupcakes/68ab5f1a-7f45-4c39-b8a1-c1a8bd47d55e

Really?!?

She expects this to be what we come up with for the bake sale?

I’ve got to laugh… its just so far from what my ambition level is right now.

But, for that matter, I think I would have probably avoided eggs and bunnies at a church sale anyway to avoid losing sales from the ones who arent happy about the meaning of easter losing focus due to commercial things.

—-

What in the world did I manage to just sign myself up for???

Fancy baking and ladies teas are not quite what crossed my mind when letting myself get talked into this.

Maybe this round will be painful enough to make me remember that next time.. lol!

Jobs and pasts

I went to a “job fair” today at a hardware store about two miles from here, that is actually hiring full time people.

I really don’t get why companies call things “job fairs” when its actually just doing open interviews on the spot after you’ve turned in your app, but that’s another discussion entirely.

I have a particular outfit that I wear to these… a particular nice shirt and a skirt… decently formal but not as formal as I do for a regular scheduled interview.

The first thing that surprised me right inside the door was how few people were there. Half an hour after start time, and only 6 people ahead of me… most of which were still filling out their paperwork. These things tend to be packed! One that I went to for a video store had a 2 hour wait. Another one at a restaurant chain had about half the place blocked off for it, and was standing room only.

All I can guess is that this one only gave a few days notice in the paper instead of a week or so like most of the others. A sporting goods store has one a week later that was announced earlier than this one. Or people don’t like hardware stores? I only saw one other female there in the time I was around.

But the second thing that surprised me was the people themselves that were there.

This open interview was pretty much the exact opposite of the interview for one of the seasonal jobs… where I found myself frustrated that people with good full time jobs were going after these jobs just for extra spending cash.

These men by and large were dressed much more like they were going shopping at a hardware store than wanting to work for one. T-shirts and jeans, some of which had seen much better days.

The man that was interviewing as I came in answered a question about why he’d left a particular job with “That’s when I went back to prison.”

I had to wince… and think that he’s really got to come up with a better way of phrasing that if he’s going to get hired somewhere… call it personal life issues, or forced to relocate, or something.

Another man a bit later told the interviewer that they couldn’t contact their past few employers “because they were under the table cuz I owe child support.”

I’m not even sure what you could do with that one other than spin it to show that you were now going for a legal job so that you could get back on the right foot.

Of the six interviews that I overheard while waiting, only one of the men was one that I probably would have considered had I been the interviewer.

Only two of the men answered that they had a valid drivers license, something I would have pretty much considered a given. (The store does offer a delivery option on some things for a steep fee, so it was a valid question).

The whole thing just struck me as really unusual… these aren’t the people I’m used to seeing at job events. The interviewer didn’t seem thrown off, even by the prison comment… so I sort of got the impression that it probably wasn’t too unusual to them.

But it left me with sort of a mixed feeling…

Partly hope… because it seemed like my chances on this job might be brighter than a lot of the other ones where I know I was probably easily outweighed on experience. Maybe I can find more of these sorts of job fields?

Partly grateful… freshly reminded that while I have my own issues, a lot of these guys have a lot steeper of a path to climb to overcome them than I do.

But the more time passes, the more the feeling that overtakes the situation is just sort of sad.

Do I want the ex-prison guy to be the one duplicating my house keys or delivering stuff inside my home? Probably not, and I can’t imagine most people would answer otherwise.

But then, how do we expect him to stay out of future trouble if there’s nowhere he can get a job to support himself?

With so many applicants for every position, is there going to be a job that decides that he’s the best candidate?

If I’ve been feeling this frustrated, desperate, even hopeless at times about my chances of ever getting back into steady, stable, dependable, full time and livable wage employment… and I have a high school diploma, valid legal paperwork including drivers license, and clear background check… how much bleaker does the future look for those that don’t even have that much?

And where are things going as a society as fewer and fewer are getting first shots to even try to pull themselves back up… let alone any hope for a second try if they don’t have it together enough to succeed the first time?

The master backup

*So what happens if the college isn’t able to make things work financially to cover living expenses during school, and the job situation is still too low on hours to cover it fully?

As far as school stuff goes, that’s basically the big question.

*So how in the world are you going to pull off paying $450 in school deposits that are due before loans or other financial assistance would be given?

*So how do you expect to keep bills paid until then when the job hours are low and unpredictable right now?

And those are the two less-big school questions.

Among all the other random questions “how” questions floating around in my life right now, this is what the school portion of my messy life basically boils down to.

And many tears and lost sleep and worries later, I think I have at least a loose answer to them.

Obviously, I’d like to see the answer be to have a good job hire me asap and be willing to work with school hours… but I can’t say I’m placing any bets on that one.

To answer the two lesser questions first… I think I’m at the point where my best option still really sucks.

Going back to a call center job for a few months.

Which I know is going to kill my wrists and make my tendonitis flare up bad, and probably cause pain for months afterwards again.

I toughed it out from October to December for the last seasonal call center job I did.. so I know I can tough it out in spite of being in pain for a few more months again, even though I know it has absolutely no chance of being something I can pull off as a long term solution.

It’s a really bad option to intentionally put myself into a situation to where I know even before I go into it that it’s going to cause physical problems and risk nerve damage… but I’m at a loss for any better options right now.

The big question… is actually a bit of a simpler answer.
(part of the financial assistance was going to be on need-based grant, any scholarships would just reduce that grant portion until they got above that amount… not a likely scenario)

The best plan I’ve found is to toss myself back into some random classes at the state college again for another year to kill time and boost gpa, then apply to their grad school the next year.

With keeping focus on job hunt rather than future schooling… so that should I finally get hired somewhere stable in that year, the classes get dropped.

With the state college rates, I have about a year and a half until I’d hit the undergrad loan cap… so that’s basically all the time that I’d have to get my gpa up higher to have a shot at the grad school. Which goes into a different category on loans so that the cap would no longer be an issue.

The reason I don’t like this idea is that it seems pointless.

The classes before had a clear objective… leading to a program with a clear job potential at the other end.

Masters programs generally don’t. They aren’t meant to get you jobs, they are meant to get you promoted and open doors in the direction you are already going. (With the exception of some of the medical programs… that I’d have a really slim shot of getting into if I can’t even get into the other catholic college program)

And killing time is still just killing time.

Somewhere there’s gotta be a better use for that time.

I’m just having a rough time finding that use that also wants me, or will keep a roof over our heads while doing it.