Owning space

I have a locker.

It’s at one of the major local hospitals, the one where I’ll be doing most of my clinicals.

And while this makes sense… that we would need a locker to keep things that we shouldn’t have with us but also shouldn’t leave in our cars (purses… etc), it still somehow strikes me as weird somehow.

There is roughly 4 cubic feet of hospital space that is now dedicated as mine. In a place that is very much not mine.

It’s not really my space of course… but I control what is in it for now. (Well, probably within limits I’d imagine..)

Somehow it just feels weird to have even some limited control or possession over part of a space where I wouldn’t normally even be allowed to go were I not in the program.

The train of thought over controlling space that isn’t mine expanded… as I really thought about the fact that every home that I’ve lived in has either been a rental or owned by someone else.

It’s their space… but it’s under my control for a time… but never really mine, even when it feels like my home.

Somehow, this feeling gets lost with familiarity. When I’m borrowing someone’s car, I feel that my time is borrowed and a trusted privilege… but somehow when I’m paying someone to borrow their apartment for a year, it loses that feeling.

This world is not my home.

Do I really remember that my time here is as much mine as my locker?
As limited as my rental house?
As much entrusted as my borrowed car?

If this world is my locker…

Do I plaster the outside with magnets and pictures and posters as if to try to convince everyone else that this is mine?
Do I leave it unused, not taking advantage of the benefits and opportunities because they are only borrowed?

Do I store laptops and things of high value there, trusting the padlock and thin sheets of metal to keep out any who would seek to steal them, or leave them safely at home, keeping just what is needed for right now?

In this locker, I stow my muddy, dirty shoes… my bulky yet protective coat… any jewelry I might be wearing… and many other things… as these are things that are no longer needed once I walk through the locker room door and into my role in the hospital’s kingdom. The only things that come along are those that are essential to the role… scrubs, uniform shoes, pen, notepad, watch, name badge, radiation detector.

It will do me well to remember this before I spend too much time on jewelry and shoes.. focusing on things that won’t make it past this world and into the next.


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