Hidden success

2 posts back, I mentioned that I’m doing well right now in the program… but that a good number of the class apparently isn’t.

And last post I mentioned about how a good number of them don’t really seem to be taking things too seriously yet, and aren’t happy with instructor expectations that are tending to be at a more serious level.

This has me in sort of an odd feeling… where I’m finding myself a bit reluctant to admit my true scores.

Which is really sort of odd for me. As bad as I did the last round in college, and mediocre in high school, younger than that I usually tended to be the teachers pet, the nerd who was friends with all of the librarians, the one who was pretty much expected to be doing decent.

And even when the mean popular girls hit, I was pretty much ok with that. It was what it was… I had no interest in being anything else, I just wished they would stop being jerks about people who were not them.

But somehow this time is different for some reason.

And with being the start of the program, there’s a lot of asking.

And even with skirting the answers… or even giving my pre-curve number as if it were the final numbers… it’s sort of awkward.

Partially in a “dont want to make them feel worse” way… but a lot of it is in a “dont want to be blown off as the freak who does nothing but study to blow the curve for the rest of us way.”

And even with the answer skirting… I feel like I’m getting a lot of the latter.

Even when a girl (who is one of the main ones complaining about how boring clinicals are) specifically asked about the test and expressed concern on her scores and saying she didn’t know why they were so low… she really seemed to totally blow off any mentions of what strategy seems to work well for this instructor and the whole conversation just had a tone from there to where I’m pretty sure the freak label is firmly in place.

Unfortunately, its not the only conversation that has gone that way… and I’ve yet to really figure out a good way to deal with it.

And it’s not like these are classmates that I’m actively trying to befriend socially and want to fit in with… I just don’t like the feeling of being written off any better even if they are just random classmates.

But then, it probably is related to insecurity… still connected to my nervousness as to whether I really could make it in the program… but now sort of re-directed?

But it’s just sort of weird for me to be feeling like hiding that I’m doing ok…. when it’s never really been something that I’ve felt in the younger times of doing well. And this new thing isn’t something I’m a big fan of.

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