4.0lone

After all my worries and insecurities about whether or not I could make it in the program…

And a whole ton of studying my tush off….

I managed a 4.0 again.

But it feels pretty lonely this time.

The first time, it seemed like people were ok with me telling them about the miracle that 4.0 was…. in hard classes when I couldn’t even always pass my easier communications, theater, spanish, and sociology classes the last round… and had been out of school for years between the two… and wasn’t even all that convinced that I even wanted to go back even though I felt like I was supposed to.

That I did pretty well the next semester with just a B was more bittersweet given that I already knew I was flat out rejected for two programs, and wait listed for the other one.

But this time… I don’t know if it’s just gotten old, or if it’s just the stressed out way I’m reading things, or back to the issues of feeling insecure about doing well in classes when others aren’t…. or exactly what it is.

But this time it just feels really hollow… and like nobody really cares. And like maybe they never did.

I’m proud of how well I did, knowing how much I worked for it… and especially with how uncertain I was coming off the wait list… and all of the random obstacles…. and the previous history.

But I don’t really feel like I have anyone that I can tell and have them be willing to be happy with me.

Either they seem to be bored… or give off this feeling like they feel like I’m just bragging at them… or just brush it off with comparisons with how much harder classes like nursing are… or I don’t even feel comfortable telling them at all.

It’s not like I’m looking for their pat on the back to tell me I did good… or looking to their approval to justify the amount of time, effort, and expense I put into it.

I just want someone that I can tell about my doing good… and have them seem like my having a positive outcome on something that I worked hard on is something that they even want to hear about.

I don’t need a cheerleader… but I guess maybe I need a friend. Or another therapist to fake interest. Or something.

Victory feels kind of lonely when nobody else seems to care much.

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