So until this morning, I had every intention of going to the new church.
But this morning went awful…. and I just couldn’t do it.
I regrouped a bit… and planned to go later in the morning to one last service at the current church… just to see what was said… and what happened… and who was left between the ones who didn’t go and the ones who didn’t know what was going on.
I drove past… but just couldn’t go in.
(Parking lot was about half the usual level… which was honestly more than I expected)
I came home and cried.
Because sometimes things just suck.
I wonder how many people got freshly hurt this morning… at the fact that they werent in the loop and didn’t even know what was going on until they walked in because nobody had thought to them to tell them….
expecting to hear the second half of the sermon from last week that ended up getting divided into two weeks…. and instead finding that most of the core members were now abruptly missing.
Knowing how little info the old pastor failed to tell anybody until after he’d already done it on things previously, it actually wouldn’t surprise me much if he’d just pretended nothing was wrong.
Just last week everything seemed like it was looking up… things were going really well… the pastor appreciation thing seemed to be very well… plans were being made long term on things, events were happening….
And just like that…. suddenly, everything is different.
After I came back home, I got on facebook… and it sort of surprised me how many of the people going to the new church seemed so thrilled… so excited for a new beginning… so ready to jump in.
Now… really… my heart is with the new church, for several reasons. One being that with the circumstances with the pastor over the past year, I feel like they are justified in the decision to regroup having tried other means first to resolve the differences.
But my heart just really isn’t moved on to all of this happy joy balloons thing they have going on.
As I’ve gone into on here before, I’ve had my feelings souring on the current church for quite a while before the pastor change… and was at the point of being ready to look elsewhere again as soon as the summer camp obligation was passed, before things changed before that point arrived.
And I get that sometimes you just have to move on.
But still…. that’s just really nowhere near the feelings I’ve got right now.
I know that I’m probably going to actually regret from this morning.
One, that I didn’t go and support the new start.
Two, that I didn’t go and hear a final conclusion
And three…. is actually a random move I made while in tears this morning… to copy and paste the announcements that were posted on facebook…. put them into a message on the old church social network site that hasn’t been used in ages and was supposed to be closed down on Nov 1… and select any of the members that I didn’t know for sure were going one way or the other as recipients, so that it would show up in their email instead of being deleted the instant it was noticed by anyone with that power.
Not because I care whether or not they go… but because I know that some of them had no clue. And with the many times I’ve been the clueless one, I would have at least wanted someone to let me know… so that I even knew that there was a decision to be made.
I’m sure I will probably regret this. I’m sure that probably just burned a lot of bridges… but then, considering I was already looking at walking away from them entirely….
But… well…. it seemed like it was what I needed to do.
I may not be able to fix anything else… for anyone else… or even for myself…
But I can at least let someone else know that they were thought about… that they weren’t just abandoned.
Probably not the right move… and sure not a normal move for me… but I guess it’s something.
Can I just go back to bed already and pretend the last week never happened?