Protective

In between study and prep for the next 3 weeks, I’ve caught up a bit more on some non-school reading. Lately reading tends to be kind of hit and miss based on how much class reading ive got needing done, how many small segments of time between here and there I have, and how much I can’t sleep at night. lol

So, I was really wanting to read this one particular book. But the more I get into it, the more I’m finding that I really just don’t relate to it much at all… and I’m pretty glad that it isn’t one that I agreed to review.

One particular chapter went into allowing men to follow their instincts and be our protective cover…. and how they take over for fathers, etc, and that when they don’t do this, it’s because we’ve prevented them from acting in their role.

And, I do know some men who do well at this for their family.

But I’m just not sure that I’m buying that all of them have the instinct to do this if we would just stop hampering their efforts… which was basically the premise the author was working with.

Honestly…. I’m not sure that any of the guys I’ve ever dated have had any sort of inclination towards this at all, let alone an instinct for it.

Not that those guys are the best choices, I mean, there are reasons none of them worked out… but you’d think in at least one case there would be a place where I could relate… where there would be an incident where I’d go “yup, I probably had something to do with why that guy didn’t take a protective role”

Granted… my background is enough of a mess that I wouldn’t eliminate my doing it just because I’ve never been used to being under a protective covering sort of relationship… but it still seems like the attempt should have at least been noticed even if I’d thwarted its success.

The chapter does sound like a nice noble goal for helping an already decent guy with good intentions to better achieve them. But it’s just totally beyond my ability to really relate on this one…. even as the author writes as if this is just obvious universal experience.

Instead, two incidents come to my mind.

One I know I’ve gone into before on here… where a guy I’d been with for several years catches someone peering through my apartment window, and has to be begged to even stick around even long enough to give a description to the cops.

But the more vivid one that comes to mind is an incident that I hadn’t really thought about in a long time.

It takes place with my daughter’s dad… who I suppose would sadly enough be the closest guy to being protective, but only because he was super controlling.

The incident took place towards the end of my pregnancy, before I moved home, but not by long, so I was probably about 7 months pregnant at the time, or maybe a bit more.

Now, he didn’t have his drivers license… because it had been suspended previously, and he qualified to get it back, but never did. I even had filled out all of the paperwork for him at one point so that all he had to do was drop it off, and he still didn’t. At this point, he no longer had his truck, which is a whole different story.

But, even though I’d been dumb enough to give him a second chance, I didn’t want him driving my car without a license because he wouldn’t be covered on the insurance in a wreck and he had a history of totaling several cars. I was in no position to be able to replace it, or to get to work without it.

And so, in site of this, he would wait until I went to sleep, and “borrow” it. I got smart and hid the keys, and it still happened, so apparently he had a duplicate made at some point.

I’d long since called him out on this, multiple times… and he still kept denying it.

I’d considered calling to report it stolen some night while it was gone since he claimed he never had it. But, well, with full time school plus a 37 hour a week job plus pregnancy…. I basically just didn’t have the energy to deal with fighting over it.

So, one day I came home from classes for the one hour transition before I had to leave for work…. and he looks up from playing games on the computer and asks me “so where is the car?”

Out of the blue.

I told him it was parked across the street like always, and asked why.

He accused me of skipping classes to go sleep with someone… a fairly frequent accusation of his, in spite of the fact that he’d already been repeatedly told that things were over between us other than related to the baby.

Of course this was ridiculous… but it went on a bit more… him insisting that he knew I hadn’t been at class and that he knew I was covering things up and lying to him, so I had to have been sleeping with someone.

By this point, my sanity had returned enough that I cared less about trying to even argue… knowing it would go nowhere no matter how much proof I had of where I was.

And so, eventually, he tells me that how he knows I didn’t go to class is because he knows I had car problems, and if I hadn’t been going to see someone else, I would have been home right afterwards and I would have told him about it.

This was a new accusation.. but, well… being accused of having car issues when none had existed wasn’t any more illogical than any of the other ones he came up with, so again, I just stated that the car was fine, and didn’t argue further.

Now, this car had once been considered a sports car, but was coming up on 20 years old at the time. It had some issues… so it having a problem wouldn’t have been all that out of the question.

It already had a few that I knew about, one of which being that the seatbelt didn’t actually click to lock in, it just slid in and out of the buckle without actually latching.

Another of which was that the brakes had some issues (if I remember right, the master cylinder was going out, but i couldn’t afford to replace it) so about once a week or so, when you hit the brake pedal, it would just go to the floor with no pressure, and you had to lift your foot quickly and pump it again hard to get it to take.

Another issue that was a design thing with it being a sports car and me being both fat and very pregnant is that it really wasn’t designed for space.. being a tiny 2 seater. I about had to roll to get out of the thing, and by the time kiddo was born my belly pressed against the steering wheel.

And so, after I didn’t take the bait on the car problem allegation, after a few more minutes of accusations, he tells me that I owed him a certain amount of money… because when he had the car the night before the brakes had gone out, and he had paid to have it towed home for me, and that’s how he knew I had to have spent the morning having the guy he was sure that I was sleeping with fix it for me.

As I mentioned, the brakes sometimes needed you to lift your foot and try a second time. I would have pretty much considered this to be a common sense move when the pedal doesn’t work the first time, but I guess not.

And so… he finally admitted borrowing my car while I was asleep, but only because he thought that it caught me in a trap.

But, to do so…
He had let me, 7 months or so pregnant, get into a car that he thought had no brakes.
And drive it during morning rush hour.
Knowing that the seatbelt didn’t work properly and that the steering wheel was getting really close to the baby, so that when a resulting wreck with no brakes did happen, there would be likely to be serious injury.

Sorry author… but yeah, I’m having trouble relating on all guys having a protective instinct.

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