Its on my side.

So.. moving on from the post about the elements of the blessing being what I’ve seen from the world but rarely from the church.. I’ve been trying to figure out why.

When I know that there are a lot of exceptions, why do I feel so.. well.. like an outsider.

This hasn’t been going far.

In good part because I know a lot of why I feel that way is that I’ve been treated that way previously. Again, I’ve gone into discussions before about the negative experiences with the first church I attended… so I’m not going to get into that again here.

But I know that’s a factor that is in play still…. and so it’s easy to write it all off as just being issues from that.

And then there is the whole past with many of these same congregation members and feeling like they were really insincere. Again, easy to write off the feelings that way.

But I’m just sort of getting the feeling that isn’t the whole story.

And part of the reason why is because of a certain church… that wasn’t actually even my church. It was a group gathering of some regional house churches, that I had a particular connection to through one of the leaders.

And so, I got treated well.. in spite of the fact that there were good sized areas of their belief system that did not match with mine. Many of my closest friends of that time, and mentors in my life, came through that church connection.

Its a pretty clear example that shows the exact opposite of the impressions I hold.

And yet… I still felt that way.

Even in the middle of being totally accepted in spite of all of my issues…. I still felt that way.

So.. I know that it isn’t just based on the actions of this church, and that even if they were the greatest church ever, it wouldn’t be enough to overcome it.

It’s just a personal issue.. my problem to deal with.

And so, as this is mulling around in my thoughts… in a random internal conversation with myself this morning, I came to suddenly realize something.

As I mentioned in the previous post, the time in my life that I’ve found the most love and acceptance and connection to others hasn’t been in my time in the church…. it was in my time outside of it, living life with a pretty hedonistic group of friends.

But then it hit me.

That was also the only time in my life I’ve been on medication for emotional issues… at that time going under the diagnosis of social anxiety.

Well duh! Gee I wonder why that time in my life would have less social issues? LOL

There are a number of reasons why I’ve made the decision not to continue the medication… many of which I’ve gone into… and I don’t particularly think this really changes that. But it’s definitely a factor that needed to be realized in this equation.

But again, it reinforces what I was already getting…. that this feeling isn’t coming from anything from people, it’s coming from wound seepage.

What to do with that is still a question, but it’s always easier when you at least realize more where it is coming from.

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