Power-less

Today when I dropped off kiddo at the Y to catch her bus to camp, the power was out at the Y… the result of some storms last night… and she remarked that she hoped power wasn’t out at the camp or they would have to come home.

I told her that if it was, they would just have to rough it, but she insisted they wouldn’t be able to stay without power. She totally did not get why I wasn’t concerned about a campground not having electricity.

We may need to take her overnight camping sometime this summer lol

So that was the silly side.

But a little later, things sort of took a deep side… and I sort of began wondering what it would have been like to be a random believer in the time of Jesus…. not one of the close chosen ones, but just a random one… and be living in a time of craziness, but not yet have spirit guidance to help.

I take power and help for granted. But what would it have been like without it? Assuming you were one of the ones who wasn’t able to follow him around, you’d have neither the human form of guidance most of the time nor the spirit promptings and leadings… but still have all of the stress and pressure of being a believer in an environment that ended in death for some.

I’ve very glad that I’m not in that position of basically just having to trust. But I think I forget sometimes just how spoiled we are.

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“About me” and notes

Well, I’ve cobbled together an “about me” page to keep one of the companies happy and feeding me free books to read.

I’m not sure if it will post in the feed when I make a page, so I will paste it after these notes as well.

I went back and forth… really tempted to just make it short and vague and useless..

But ended up getting more in depth about the contents… figuring if it’s there, might as well make it do something.

if people want to keep reading they will, and if they get scared off, then it saves them the effort! lol

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I’ve never liked “about me” pages.

I sort of tend to think that if it’s important enough to be relevant, you’ll generally pick it up along the way.

But I suppose if I must, here’s the cheatsheet.

I’m a single female Gen-Y’er, raising a preteen girl, on my own since before she was born. Not the most ideal, but an improvement over the abuse and issues of dealing with a drug addict, and not a situation that’s likely to change, so we make the best of it.

Due to issues related to that, I choose to try and keep things rather non-specific here, and ask that you do the same with any details that you know of my offline life. I realize that there are several ways to get to this blog from outside information, and many reading here by my invitation do have real life connections, so I’m fine with you being here… I just prefer to keep as little connecting the two as possible. So please do not use names, etc, or make posts in any places connected to my name that reference the things here.

At times I’m a college student in a medical field related major. Due to circumstances, at other times I’ve worked at a variety of not very connected other jobs that have come my way when I needed them.

I live in a large metro area in the midwest, having returned to near where I was raised for family connection when my daughter was born… though I don’t particularly feel like this is my home.

One of the biggest things that you should know content wise is that I’m a Christian. This definitely shapes a lot of my thinking here.

I identify with a smallish charismatic denomination… which I usually prefer not to mention, as doing so pretty much labels exactly which church in this area I attend. Over the years I’ve also

Coming from a non-religious family, you aren’t likely to offend me if you aren’t, and you are welcome here.. and are free to ask about anything that doesn’t make sense.

But realize that I’m not the sort of person who really enjoys debates and fights of intellect… so if you come looking for a good battle, realize you are probably going to be pointed to better places for that.

The other big thing you should probably realize as far as content is that I consider this more of a running open journal than a blog… mostly as a result of the format of the site where it was originally located.

Sometimes the posts have some depth and thought…. and sometimes they are just random ventings about what is going on with my life, and as such tend more towards the grumpy side than the cheerful. I do also post book reviews here from time to time as well, depending on a couple of different factors.

And honestly, well, if you are going to be reading around here a bit, you’ll probably realize quickly that I’m a bit of a mess in some ways. It’s always a work in progress… but sometimes the lack of progress shows through a lot more glaringly in writing. If you want labels, avoidant personality disorder and ACOA cover most of what you’ll see pop up at times.

But, this isn’t really a blog about living functionally with issues…. or even recovering from issues… or doing the best you can with what you’ve got to work with.

It’s just about my journey.

Some of the bumps and twists have nice official names, and some of them don’t.

It doesn’t particularly matter when dealing with them, having a name doesn’t create an excuse to ignore them, and most of the time knowing the “why” isn’t particularly all that helpful on figuring out the “how to get around”.

They get treated pretty much the same, and so it’s probably not anything that you’ll find me mention but once in a couple of years…. but it’s probably something that you’ll see in glimpses here and there… just enough to wonder where in the world that response came from when it doesn’t seem particularly normal.

It is what it is… and if you’re looking for a nice, normal, sane, has it all together and knows all he answers person…. you are seriously on the wrong blog.

To the rest of you, welcome!

The living hot tub?

Physical therapy is going ok so far. It makes my ankle more sore for quite a while after the exercises, but still bearable.

My calves are not particularly thrilled though. They end up getting the brunt of the workout in the process, and are not too happy about it.

My daughter is in a daycamp for part of this summer that has a bus that leaves from a branch of the local YMCA, so while I’m there dropping her off or picking her up anyway, I’ve started trying to remember to grab my swimsuit and towel on the days that my legs are really grumpy… so that I can hit the hot tub.

There is just something about being in water shoulder deep that is relaxing.

The warm water is soothing and comforting. But even the times that I go into the lukewarm indoor pool first to cool down a bit, it’s about impossible to stay as tense in water.

The water literally reduces the weight you carry for a while… heavy limbs drift and float… and it seems to manage to do the same with the mental weight.

It would be so nice to just drift in a pool of water all day.

The other day as I floated a bit… the phrase living water came to mind.

Granted, that’s usually used in terms of things taken internally… but water is water… burden is easy sort of describes the weight-less-ness in water… and it should be something that soothes and comforts.

And is more portable than a pool.

Making it work that sort of a constant tangible way has never been something that has gone well for me… but it sure sounds appealing.

Blog or journal?

By this point in time, probably not a lot of you remember…. but a long long time ago, I first started writing online at a site called opendiary.

That first diary was deleted due to relationship blackmail… but when I started again a bit later, it was again on the opendiary site for about 3 more years.

I later moved it onto a blogging site for reasons I don’t entirely remember… and then to wordpress because it just works a lot better than the first blog site did.

I think that this start with opendiary has a lot to do with the way I view my blog.

Because it didn’t start as a blog, it started as a journal…. a diary. Entries there weren’t expected to be marketed to mass appeal… they were just meant as personal ramblings opened up to shared experience.

And so I still tend to view them that way, more often than not. Yes, pics and better designs could make it more appealing to the eye, and really marketing it and all sorts of things like that could make it more connected.

But I just really don’t care to. I don’t want a mass audience… I want a handful of core readers that actually understand me or at least care to try to.

At some point along the way, I started a private journal…. offline but on my computer, using a journaling program that also has features that work to update blogs.

As I mentioned a year or so back, I started using the program to do blog entries as well… which means that they aren’t posted instantly the minute that I write them.

I like this for the sake of making minor edits the next day or so, and for occasional issues with internet connections.

But I think it has started to blur the lines further between blog and journal… as most times, I write only one or the other for a particular happening, where normally I would write a private version and a public version.

Which then makes me a bit more reluctant to post the mixed entry publicly…. which then makes me put off posting the pending ones so that I don’t have to make a decision on the one in the pile that I’m not sure about.

Obviously, that hasn’t worked too well.

Recently, one of the book publishers also made it known that they would like to see an “about me” page for participating blogs. Which I don’t like… but still got me thinking a bit as to where exactly I’m going with this.

Honestly, I’m a bit tempted to move the page back over to opendiary…. if it even still exists… not so much because I like their platform, but just because it fits in better there content-wise.

I sometimes feel like a misfit when I start reading wordpress blogs… most of which are written with a large audience as a goal… most of which are written for humor or helpfulness or instruction… and few of which seem to be just aiming at being a simple, basic journalling spot.

Opendiary is a very basic page… but the community is much more towards journalling styles of entries… not so much of the blog style of focus.

But, I like the wordpress platform… and the ability it gives me to make things work how I want them to.

And moving things around is always a messy process.

So I’m still a bit undecided… but it’s being considered.

The odds

Literally thousands of people.

75 jobs.

In a town that has several major call centers for national companies… and so lots of people with call center experience.

In a field that strongly favors extroverts and people with strong persuasive skills.

I had completely written off my chances.

Completely.

Literally, I had just been discussing with my mom half an hour earlier on why I was pretty sure I had about the same chance as a snowball in the sahara.

But not only did I make the cut, I made the cut for the first training group.

I was shocked.

Only afterwards…. did I really stop and think…

All the way back to 2006… when I started with another call center.

The training class was over, and almost everyone in the class went to the same teams on the floor.

But a handful were sent to other teams… including me.

Later, only after we’d won several months of the company competition…. in a team meeting did my manage make mention of something he seemed to think we all knew….

That it wasn’t really a fair competition since we’d been picked for this team specifically based on our testing when we applied.

Before training, before we even had the job… we’d been ranked by our scores on the typing and the other testing… and we’d been placed specifically on this team to maximize that.

Somehow…. in the years since then of being rejected and overlooked and not picked…. somehow I’d forgotten about that.

While different, this call center had done somewhat similar testing as well as the expo… seeming almost as an afterthought after the interviews.

I’m thinking that testing was probably actually the most heavily weighted factor in their decision.

We were all so worked up about the interviews… and who had what experience…. but when it comes down to it, the testing was what really showed who would best be able to handle the computerized aspects of the job.

Because you can chat with the customer with the best of them… but if you can’t get the task done for them correctly and reasonably quickly, they still aren’t going to be a happy customer.

Had I really stopped to think about it… and remember what I knew from the past call centers…. I wouldn’t have been nearly as surprised to get a call.

But it’s hard to be objective when you’re caught in the middle of the land of rejection letters.

Steak

During the “job hunt that never ends”… I used to joke in frustration that when I finally managed to land myself a full time job, we were totally going to have steak dinners to celebrate.

Not because I’m a huge steak fan per-se, but just seemed an appropriate thing to do… and something that was generally out of budget the rest of the time.

This never actually happened though…. and every job since then had either been seasonal or part time or both.

The last time we’ve done steaks was so far back, kiddo can’t remember ever having it. And I’m not particularly sure that she’s actually ever had it even if she could remember.

But last week, I stopped at the store coming home from work… and so it was a different, smaller store than I usually hit. And they have a clearance meat section… which sometimes has some good deals just because its such a small store that it doesn’t get a lot of traffic.

This particular time, they had some 12oz steaks for $2 each.

I walked past… came back…. debated it several times….

It’s more than I would generally spend for meat for a meal right now… but eventually I decided that as long as it had been since we’d had steaks, and as cheap as that was for around here, I was buying them.

And so I got 3… since we usually do dinner with my mom.

I planned to do them one night, but things happened and it got put off, and so then we’d planned to do them on sat. Then things had changed and my brother and his partner were going to be at mom’s doing some work that day.

And so, more than a full day after I had gotten the first three, I went back to the same store…. and somehow, they still had exactly 2 more steaks there of about the same size. And so I got those too… and we made plans to have my brother grill them for all of us.

As it happened, they also had a package of steaks in their freezer that had been needing used… so they brought those too… and last weekend we had a nice dinner of steaks and salad and new potatoes.

And today, I got the call.

I got the full time job with the call center.

In spite of the insane odds against me.

I guess I had the order wrong on which came first?

Med calls

Recently I went to the doctor for a TB test for school, related to being exposed during last semester.

It ended up being turned into a discussion on why I wasn’t still on a few meds to stabilize the chemical/hormonal imbalances. Which basically boiled down to cost when I didn’t have insurance.

And so, he decided to put me back on them.

3 of the 4 I was ok with…. but the 4th has had a lot of controversy since the last time that I was on it…. and so I asked to see if something else could be substituted.

He checked, came back in and said no, and wrote me a prescription for it anyway.

I took all of the prescriptions to the pharmacy… though still not sure I wanted to take that one… and when I went to pick them up, I was told that due to the controversy, they couldn’t even get that one from the manufacturer anymore.

Gee… great.

So they said they would call the doctor and see what he wanted to substitute.

I got a call a few days later from the doctor’s office… asking me to call my old endocrinologists office since he had been the one who originally put me on it… and ask him what he would prescribe instead.

I haven’t actually seen this guy in at least 4 years.

This seriously seems odd to me…. and sort of makes me wonder about this new doc.

I called the endo… and his nurse sort of beat around the bush on telling me they couldn’t tell me without doing more recent bloodwork and a visit and such.. but did eventually tell me the names of two meds that they generally replaced it with.

So I called and gave those to new doc.

And googled them afterwards… one of the two sounds pretty similar to the drug with issues. The other actually sounds really good though and like it has a potential to reduce the related weight issues in addition to just working on the chemical balance.

I’m sort of thinking that I should have googled first… and just given the one name to the new doc.