Leaving

Yesterday, I officially left the school program.

I gave final word, and filled out the forms.

And this morning, I went in and cleaned out my locker, and turned in my stuff.

I battled tears at several points… though I was surprised that talking to my advisor to turn things in wasn’t actually one of them.

All through this, I’ve been sort of torn as to which direction to go towards, and what I wanted to happen.

I expected to be relieved at the removal of the stress, and the hope of not having finances as tightly strained. I expected to be feeling like I was ready to walk away from the program and possibly never return.

I’ve thought that I would be ok with the route of going back to full time work.

And so I was actually a bit surprised to find out that I’m not as ok with it as I thought that I was.

Honestly… most of the time, feeling what I’m feeling I would be convinced that I was making a mistake and needed to backtrack as quickly as possible.

And yet, I know… for right now, it’s the only choice I can make.

Even if the finances were to work out, I know that there’s no way that I can tough it out on my ankle right now… and I know that there’s no way to be able to make up that much time later on this semester.

In a way, I’m sort of glad for the ankle to be acting up, because if it were just the financial issues, it would be much harder on wondering if there were some way to somehow make the funding come through… if maybe I had just missed some idea.

But I know, physically, I can’t do this right now.

And it’s hard.

But I now know that this isn’t going to be a forever thing… never to return. I need to go back.

I just don’t know how I’m going to make it happen.

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