I’m realizing how long it has been since I have been able to walk into a grocery store, buy what I need, and walk out without having to stop and think at all about whether or not I have enough in my account, or whether I can really justify each item, or whether I can skimp here or there and get by.
It is such a different feeling to know that I have enough.
The other day, I filled up my gas tank all the way. I didn’t stop and look at my schedule to try and guess how much gas I was going to critically need before the next paycheck. And I didn’t check my balance beforehand.
Do you know how freeing that feels?
And yet, I still felt sort of guilty buying socks. Yes, socks.
I needed socks. Have needed them for some time. But I could make do, and had tried to budget for them, and it just wasn’t ever a high enough priority to make it to the top of the list.
But I bought the socks.
And underwear, and new khakis, and a new pair of black pants. Because I needed two pairs of pants for work as we can’t wear jeans, and have been making due.
And even though they have been very much needed but pushed back to the want list out of the tight circumstances, it’s still hard for me to convince myself that it’s ok. That the money is there, and will be there.
It’s sort of a weird mix of freedom and self-imposed guilt.
I’m in the clear, but I can’t let myself be in the clear.
And I can’t help but notice the spiritual parallels.
I’m forgiven… but I can’t let go of the need to be good enough.
I’m trying to make myself learn on both counts…. but both of them are areas where I’m fighting against a well-worn mentality.