Fears

So my mind is still trying to wrap itself around the sudden changes.

Or rather, it’s trying to unravel what my heart just got itself into hook line and sinker.

And I think the biggest block right now between the two being on the same page is over practical worries the logical side sees…. that just completely don’t show up at all on the emotional side.

I don’t usually trust the emotional side much… but in this case, I’m completely feeling like it’s the right move.

There was an incident that sort of reinforced this, long before this developed, but it deserves its own post…

But it’s just sort of a new thing to me to be working with fears that I’m not actually feeling as fears, but more just seeing logically as cautions with no emotional standing.

Does that even still qualify as a fear?

And yes, there are flags that the logical side is noting. The glaringly obvious one being that he’s been through a recent divorce… plus a few just from past things that could always resurface… and the ones from the fact that things made the jump from friends to serious so suddenly… and just a couple from inconsistencies that right now I attribute more to level of safety expanding the level of information.

I’m aware that they are there.

And I’m also aware that I’m completely ignoring them.

And I’m aware that’s generally a really really bad idea.

But at this point… I’ve decided, in a logical manner, to allow my heart and intuition to take the reigns for now.

Very much a new thing to me, and I think that’s actually what’s the hardest to wrap my mind around right now.

But when it comes down to it… and I play out every red flag to its worst case scenario…

There is not a single outcome that I would not make the choice to stay in the relationship right now even if I knew that were what was lurking around the corner.

Yes, I may seriously get my heart broken… in a whole assortment of different ways. And yes, it may be from something that I saw as a flag and ignored even though I should have known better.

But I’ve come to the logical decision that at this point in my life, that I’m ok with that.

If that’s the price that will be paid later, it’s a price that is worth it from where things stand right now. I’d rather let my heart get to run wild and play, and get hurt, than to keep it safe but lonely.

Hearts heal. It hurts, but it wouldn’t be the first time. Life would go on. It always does.

Maybe later the risk vs benefit will seem higher, and the logical side will put up more of a battle.

But from here… I’m happy. I’m enjoying cloud 9.

And I’m making the decision to allow myself to stay there.

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Wait, yes?

Do you know that point in a conversation…. where you’ve gone into it completely prepared for battle… and instead of an objection you get told “yes”? And suddenly you are sitting there, completely prepared to argue your point against a “no” in an extended way…. but utterly and completely thrown off by not having to fight?

I think that’s part of what is making it hard to wrap my mind around the relationship developments.

It’s sort of a “wait, did you just actually say yes?”

Things are newly developed on the dating front of things… but I’ve been praying and doing battle over this guy and this friendship for a while.

And doing some crying over the “no”s at times… and feeling pretty defeated at times. Because things haven’t been going very smoothly for him at all… and I’d pretty much reached the point of accepting that I would eventually be losing the friendship.

But, in the couple of days before the big “let’s officially date” discussion hit me by total surprise… the primary thing that I’d been praying over him was that he’d realize more the care and concern of his friends…. that he’d be able to feel their love for him.. that he’d be able to access it in his heart… and be strengthened by it….

Before we met for dinner, I had one hope for the night…. to be able to give him a hug. Because with the way things were with work, it had never seemed appropriate… then when he left we never really got to say goodbye… and when I’d seen him after that had been with the kids along where it seemed too likely to be taken the wrong way and make trouble for him…

And so those were my two fresh requests.. for him to be able to access and feel the love that others had for him, and to be able to hug him.

The very last thing I remember praying before going inside was to prepare both of our hearts for the discussion to go where it needed to…. (completely thinking more towards current issues he was facing… totally not thinking towards each other at the time…)

And so it seems like after doing battle…. and being ready for battle…. I just got told “Ok. Here ya go.”

And I’m sort of shocked and stunned…

It’s like somebody just pulled a kid off the bench in a football game who has never actually seen game time…. and tossed a perfect throw to him with nobody at all around to tackle him… just handing him a easy score.

I’m just sort of sitting here going “Really? This is happening? Seriously? That worked?”

Very much a new place for me.

The Gift

So.. there’s a boy. 🙂

Put those up there on the words I never thought I’d be typing here.

Ok, I guess technically he’s a man, not a boy, but still.

There’s a lot of story to it… part of which is on here already.. as we’d become friends as coworkers, but then he left the company… and I figured that would be the last time I’d ever see him in person and determined to do my best not to lose contact with him via email and facebook, but expecting that loss would happen eventually anyway.

Well, after a lot of awkwardness… instead it has officially become dating… and with the time spent as friends, it has taken off running pretty quickly.

But I’m seriously having trouble wrapping my head around it. I’m in this state of shocked amazement.

Relationships were very much what I ran to during the rebellious spell in my life. There were only a few months of the years that I wasn’t dating at least one person, and sometimes more.

When a long term relationship ended about a month after the rebellious period… I briefly tried dating again, but I knew it wasn’t supposed to be. It just wasn’t right.

And so… with great reluctance, I surrendered.

I accepted the fact that I had to make a choice between following God and the way that I had been doing things… and eventually I accepted that with the way things generally go in the Christian dating world, that this meant that I was accepting life on my own.

A hard decision… made over and over… in a million lonely moments.. and each time the opportunity presented itself to run back…

And again when it seemed like everyone was getting married, and I knew it meant letting go of my dreams.
And again when the baby crazy late 20’s hit… when I had to accept that I was laying down my desires for a family beyond just me and the kiddo.

And now it feels like he reached into my box where I had packaged up my hopes… and closed the lid over and over…

And picked out the most painfully relinquished treasure… fixed it back the way that it was supposed to have been before I messed it up… wrapped it up and presented it back to me as a gift.

A gift of one last try.

the new goal

When I first started the new job, I knew it was likely to cause problems with my wrists with tendonitis flare ups.

It hasn’t. At all.

Even though every other call center I’d worked for it had been an issue.

I’d completely forgotten about it really… and before training was even over had gone from assuming the wrists would require it to be a short term job into thinking that this really might work out.

Lately, I’ve been trying to just make it thorough the day at work, and focusing on working on crocheting squares for my blanket.

I’ve gone from getting about 3 a week done in the early days… to being distracted with people for a bit and getting about 1 done a week… to getting about 2 done a day now that it has become my goal.

And now?

My wrists are killing me.

They have never bothered me when crocheting before… and I’ve never done crocheting at any of the other call centers when the wrists have been bothering me.

Somehow I think I just got a “slap on the wrist” on not buckling down and giving it my best on the job.

Ok, ok, fine… lol

the promotion offer

I’ve been made an offer by my old job.

A huge pay increase.

A huge hours increase, and stable hours, though still not full time or with benefits.

I expected not to take it… as I expected it to conflict with the new full time job… but with the changes, it actually doesn’t.

What it does mean though, is that I wouldn’t be able to return to school without leaving the old job entirely.

That makes what seems like it should be a very simple yes into something I’m not all that sure about.

I think my supervisor thought I was crazy for hesitating.

But I’m not sure I want to let go yet… and I’m not sure I want to say yes only to quit in a few months if things do go right in school.

I’m used to decisions where both options suck. It’s a lot harder to me to figure out best choices with both outcomes being decent options.

the blanket goal

The new job has gone back to feeling pretty crummy.

I’m frustrated… I’m dissappointed… I’m tired.

It’s kind of one of those spells when I’m forcing myself to go in each afternoon… against every desire not to.

It’s not horrible… or unreasonable… not anything awful enough to inspire quitting on the spot.

But it’s just crummy.

And so, I’ve decided on my new work goal… my target to aim at to inspire me to keep coming in and keep enduring.

My goal… is to finish my blanket.

The one that I’ve been working on to kill time between calls.

It’s a nice happy goal… that has nothing to do with my stats and my numbers, and isn’t based on the chance of what phone calls the system decides to route to me.

And right now… that’s more motivating to me than anything related to the work itself.

medium to large hurts

There is a well known medium who did a show in town.

Tickets were really expensive… and at first I just rolled my eyes at the theatrics of it.

But with work, I heard more and more sad stories… of desperate people.

People who were on limited incomes, but were paying more than $100 a ticket to be as close as possible on the chance that the medium might walk by them, and be able to give them a message from someone they loved who has died.

Children… spouses… sisters..

People who were still hurting so much from their losses… so hurting as to sacrifice for just a scrap of hope.

It’s such a sad thing…

And the story was repeated, over and over… from so many different people.

You wanted to just give them a hug…. to refer them to a grief counselor or support group…

To give them something more helpful for healing their pain than just clinging to a shred of hope offered by someone making a huge profit from them and with more interest in entertainment than healing.

Night of the show… there is a christian group protesting.

They hand out flyers to anyone they can get to take one… full of condemnation towards psychics and threats of hell.

When the fields were so ripe for showing love and offering healing to people so hurting… they use not just vinegar, but rat poison…. when a little bit of compassion and care could have done so much good.

This was one of those nights where I felt like apologizing for Christians… and explaining to people that they don’t always represent Christ.