So I threw a hissy fit earlier. (Yesterday technically… crazy night shift)
As mentioned, there was an email yesterday that had me furious…. added on top of the loss of the coworker involved, who I don’t know all that well but consider a friend and am usually really encouraged by on rough nights.
I tough-ed it out for about 2 hours… fuming on facebook to a couple of other coworkers… until I had a bathroom break.
And off the phones and off by myself down the long and wide event center hallway that leaves to the bathroom.. it just sort of broke loose.
I was carrying my empty event staff waterbottle along to refill it… and the next thing I knew it was flying across the hallway and I was in tears.
I cried out the frustration and anger in the bathroom for about ten minutes, recomposed myself.. and it was over.
And it helped me feel better on the situation.
But it still scared me a bit.
Honestly, I don’t remember ever throwing anything in anger before.
And as much as I’ve worked through issues… and I’ve learned how much it helps things get over with faster to just let the feelings exist while realizing that they are just feelings (instead of trying to “fix” them by shoving them under a rug of another mood)… I think this is the first time in working through that process of allowing them that I’ve ever found myself just feeling totally overwhelmed even briefly by something I would classify as mainly anger.
I get annoyed… frequently… but I rarely reach the point of anger with anyone or anything except brief battles with my daughter… and they usually just consist of frustration more dominantly than anger.
But I think it mostly scares me just as a reminder of my dad… who seemed to have anger as his dominant emotion.
And I can tell myself logically that it’s completely different. This was a bit dramatic for the situation that provoked it, yes, but it was appropriately timed and directed. No callers or coworkers were made innocent victims… the bottle was aimed at nobody. With the exception of any security guys actually paying attention to the cameras, nobody else was even a witness.
But it’s still a bit scary to be making a conscious decision to allow the anger to be felt and pass instead of stuffing it… and have it hit the point of overwhelming. I can do overwhelming sad… frustrated… disappointment… rejection… weariness… most of the other unpleasant guys that I’m more familiar with.
But anger still seems like a much scarier and more dangerous animal.