Fears

So my mind is still trying to wrap itself around the sudden changes.

Or rather, it’s trying to unravel what my heart just got itself into hook line and sinker.

And I think the biggest block right now between the two being on the same page is over practical worries the logical side sees…. that just completely don’t show up at all on the emotional side.

I don’t usually trust the emotional side much… but in this case, I’m completely feeling like it’s the right move.

There was an incident that sort of reinforced this, long before this developed, but it deserves its own post…

But it’s just sort of a new thing to me to be working with fears that I’m not actually feeling as fears, but more just seeing logically as cautions with no emotional standing.

Does that even still qualify as a fear?

And yes, there are flags that the logical side is noting. The glaringly obvious one being that he’s been through a recent divorce… plus a few just from past things that could always resurface… and the ones from the fact that things made the jump from friends to serious so suddenly… and just a couple from inconsistencies that right now I attribute more to level of safety expanding the level of information.

I’m aware that they are there.

And I’m also aware that I’m completely ignoring them.

And I’m aware that’s generally a really really bad idea.

But at this point… I’ve decided, in a logical manner, to allow my heart and intuition to take the reigns for now.

Very much a new thing to me, and I think that’s actually what’s the hardest to wrap my mind around right now.

But when it comes down to it… and I play out every red flag to its worst case scenario…

There is not a single outcome that I would not make the choice to stay in the relationship right now even if I knew that were what was lurking around the corner.

Yes, I may seriously get my heart broken… in a whole assortment of different ways. And yes, it may be from something that I saw as a flag and ignored even though I should have known better.

But I’ve come to the logical decision that at this point in my life, that I’m ok with that.

If that’s the price that will be paid later, it’s a price that is worth it from where things stand right now. I’d rather let my heart get to run wild and play, and get hurt, than to keep it safe but lonely.

Hearts heal. It hurts, but it wouldn’t be the first time. Life would go on. It always does.

Maybe later the risk vs benefit will seem higher, and the logical side will put up more of a battle.

But from here… I’m happy. I’m enjoying cloud 9.

And I’m making the decision to allow myself to stay there.

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