And given where things left off dramatically, I guess probably the most interesting update is with the new relationship.
Though, obviously that update is going to be a lot more limited by keeping to more of my reactions to things and to thoughts that I am comfortable with openly discussing.
To give a generic summary, things are still going well, 4 months in.
My head is a lot more settled than when the last posts were written, obviously LOL. The sort of dramatic and abrupt start has been the exception… things have been pretty much calm and drama-free… far from the roller coaster I’d have expected looking at things objectively.
There are still occasionally moments when the reality of things just suddenly hits me and I shake my head wondering if things actually really happened. But “What the heck? I’m dating again? Seriously?” moments are getting less and less.
But it’s actually sort of hard for me to really explain where I’m at on things.
I think the biggest thing that I can say is it has been completely and totally a different world than any other relationship that I’ve been in, ever. And it has been from the start.
No resemblance. It’s just not even the same thing, at all.
Maybe part of it is being older and having the long time between things. That would explain some of the ways that things just seem to click and work without all of the drama and issues. (The minor exception being a mental battle entirely on my side with feeling like I was going to screw everything up by being able to devote so little time to it early on.)
But I don’t think it’s just a difference from time. It’s just a completely different animal.
The feel is almost a polar opposite at times.
There isn’t the excited butterflies fluttering feeling… the sudden giddy energy bursts from a kiss or an email…
But in its place is this soothing comforting calm, that happens at those same times.
It’s the difference between feeling like you want to jump up and down and shout…. And the sudden relaxation that moment that you slide into a hot tub. Different planets.
It’s not a feeling like you might burst… it’s a gentle melting that just seeps to the core.
It’s an amazing feeling… a peaceful calm that I wouldn’t trade for any amount of the heart flutters.
But sometimes it still just catches me offguard. I’m just not expecting it. It’s not the field that I’m used to playing. Much nicer, but very different.
There’s been this deep comfort pretty much from the start that’s never been there before. Even in relationships that lasted for years, or were moving towards marriage, or that evolved out of friendships stronger than this one was at the time.
The things that I worked so hard for in other relationships with so much effort given for so little return… creating a feeling like I’m just not meant for relationships… and that they weren’t worth the effort required to maintain… now somehow just go naturally and drama-free.
Just a couple of days into the relationship, I took some time and weighed out my worst case scenarios and biggest fears… and I found that for even the worst ones… even if I knew from the start that things were going to have that outcome, I would still have chosen to continue to move forward.
And that is very much still my feeling at this point.
Some of those concerns have gone away… others still dance in the background off and on… and a few others have popped in at times that weren’t even on the horizon earlier. But there are still none that are so horrible of an outcome that I feel like it would be worth the losses to avoid it even if it were a certain outcome.
Back then, there was also a strong feeling that this was a “one last time”.
And that is still there as well, though not as strongly noticed as it was at the time.
If things end, even if on a positive basis, I really don’t feel like there will be future dating.
Not from frustration with dealing with men or with finding good men or avoiding pain or because it’s been rough or anything… or even because of things going good and not thinking there will be another good candidate. It’s just sort of a closure feeling.
But the more time goes on, the more I’m starting to feel more like it might have the possibility of being less of a retirement out of the race, and more a journey completed.
And as much as I wouldn’t have wanted to re-open the door in the not so distant past… I’ve very glad that the door did open for that one last time. Even if it were to end right now, it still would have been enough to change the flavor of everything.