Probably the first thing that needs updated is that the door of returning to school has been closed.
As much as I was working my tail off, I’d reached the point to where if I had really wanted to go back to the sacrifices I was making while in school before, and back to the way life was then, I could have pulled it off financially.
My ankle is still another story though.
On most days, it doesn’t bother me too much unless I’m on it a lot. But when I’m on it, my tolerance before it starts getting sore is usually still less than an hour… and walking on it reaches the painful point within 2.
There is no way that I can say with any honesty right now that I think that I can handle being on it for an 8 hour shift… and jumping back in with summer classes, I’d be doing 4 of those a week.
I just can’t justify putting myself through the agony and possible re-inury.
As many pain meds and such as we’ve tried, and as much physical therapy… the doctor has basically said that it just takes time.
Unfortunately, as much as the classes build off of each other, I was already not too sure about jumping back in after a year off… and really think it would be a disaster to try and jump in at the same point after two years off. But with each class only offered once a year, that would be the soonest it could happen if not now.
I’m mostly ok with it.
I say mostly because it frustrates me a lot to have worked for so long and invested so much time and effort and made so many sacrifices for something to come to no real benefit at all. It feels very wasted, and a like a loss on something that I really felt like was what I needed to do. I want to see visible and obvious benefit and purpose from that… not just knowing that in the big picture somehow there was a point to it.
But, it’s not a painful wound at this point like it was last spring.
It’s just sort of a matter of fact thing.
It is what it is, and life goes on… rarely the way I think it should go on, but it goes on anyway.