And only now… after all of that… do we actually get to what I was trying to explain to someone that started the whole series.
Things are completely different on the other side of the rebellious phase.
It’s pretty much an entirely different world.
And it’s actually kind of hard to put into words.
Before was very much filled with concerns of doing the right things and learning as much as I could… but it was pretty much goal oriented, towards a goal that could never be reached and wasn’t meant to be reached.
After the breaking point, those things have never really returned.
I about killed myself trying, but I know where that path goes, and so I have no desire to entertain it further.
That’s a bit for better or worse. The desire to measure up was a great motivator to behave myself and try and do all the things that I ought to do. Things like my language and discipline were probably a lot better off under the old way.
But the sacrifice of self-acceptance wasn’t worth the gains in outward behavior.
I’m ok now with being a bit rough around the edges.
I’d rather be a christian who cusses sometimes and drinks occasionally… but who is real an honest with both herself and others… than to be a well behaved good girl who looks like she has it at least somewhat together but who feels like it’s all a show trying to fake it until she makes it.
And I’m confident that I am just as loved by God whether my behavior is angelic or awful. While he likes to see my thoughts and actions being motivated by love, I don’t think that his will for me is thrown aside when human motivations seep in.
Whether I’m covered in mud head to toe, or a child who has kept as clean as they could… either way, it’s bath time… so I’m not too fearful of puddles anymore.
Which I’m well aware draws some lines between my view of God and those of more conservative types.
And I am completely ok with that. I’ve seen the view from there, and I’d have thought the same thing. That you should still be keeping as clean as possible to be needing as little scrubbing as possible. That to do any less is taking too much advantage of his grace, to make too light of his sacrifice to give that ability.
But I also have absolutely no desire to return there.
Life is much happier when you’ve been granted the leeway to not have to always strive to be as close to perfect as possible…. when you realize that even if you jumped into a mud pit it wouldn’t be too dirty so a puddle here and there isn’t the end of the world.
Which I realize sounds pretty flippant.
And in all honestly, I still do keep relatively clean.
But not having the pressure to do so makes a huge difference in outlooks… and in perspectives of God.
And it’s not to say that I have no value at all in learning. I do.
But it tends to be much more focused towards the practical matters. Things that will actually make a positive difference in my life, or in my relationship.
I’ve come to accept that there is a whole lot of God’s logic that will never make clear sense to humans, however smart they are, and however much effort is put into understanding it. It isn’t supposed to. If it did, we wouldn’t need God.
I don’t even understand how some parts of my car work, let alone matters of metaphysics. I’m content to let that be.
I’m equally as soft on claiming that I know things.
I think a chunk of my beliefs still lean more towards agnostic… but I’ve come to realize how few things you really critically have to believe.
I have no idea whether the earth was literally made in 6 days, or it was made in 6 eras that got called “days”, or did it through the means of the scientific theories, or it was made to look like it was older than it was, or any of the other theories. And I don’t think anyone is ever going to be able to prove their side enough that there will ever be firm knowledge.
But, it just doesn’t matter. At all.
Because the point of the story is the same, no matter how the parts happened. God made the earth, deliberately.
Nobody ever asks if the Good Samaritan really existed. Because it doesn’t matter to the point of the story… whether they did, or whether it was figurative, what is to be learned is the same either way.
So it seems to me like a moot point to debate and research things that have no likelihood of changing the point to be taken.
I tend to take the route of assuming things are always literal, but I make no claims of certainty on that.
It’s more a realization that all of my critical eggs are in this basket anyway, so I might as well trust the basket with the trivial ones too. I mean, if I’m trusting him with my life and assuming what was said is true regarding salvation, then there isn’t much point in doubting the littler things.
I will battle for critical points… things like that God is who he said he is; that Jesus was who he was, did what he did, and had the ability to do what he claimed; and the way to salvation.
But I don’t care about the logistics of surviving in a fish for three days. It just doesn’t matter.
And I’m a lot happier having given up any pretense of knowledge. It’s really a less stressful place.