Agony and despair

I’ve had trouble in the last few days explaining exactly what the difference was… why I was suddenly having such a rough time on coping when I’d seemed to be doing so much better during week 2.

I’d gone from “I’m not ok, but I will be.” in week 1, to “I’m upset, but mostly ok” in week two… to week three turning into “I’m really not ok, and I really feel like I can’t handle any more of this.”

This evening, in a distraction attempt while paint was drying on my primary distraction project, I was catching up on some blogs, and read Christa Black’s blog from a few days back.

Now, Christa is someone I’ve read for years in various places… and she’s recovering from a much more harsh situation than a lost love… losing her daughter shortly after birth due to¬†anencephaly. (In the weird way the internet connects things together, I actually knew what that was from another blog that I’ve read for years¬†discussing the loss of her daughter at times.)

But in her post… she discusses the different between sorrow and despair…. that sorrow comes out of love, which brings hope…. while despair comes out of fear, and brings hopelessness.

That… is what happened.

That was what I couldn’t explain on why things suddenly seemed to turn into this phase that seemed like it was taking over my entire life and trying to strangle me.

Sorrow is a good description of how I was coping previously. Was I heartbroken and hurting? Yes. But there was still an element of recognizing that it was in process of getting repaired, and whether or not that ever happened, it was a good thing to have it dealt with and in the open. There was more of an acceptance to it… and more of a desire for the best outcome for both of us.

The past 4 days or so…. have been agony. I think I’ve cried more tears in the past 3 days than in the entire first week when it was still a harsh shock…. and I think between the two spells, I’ve cried more from this than in the entire rest of my life combined. I work things out and try to solve them…. tears are reserved for times I feel helpless to do anything to fix anything.

There has been such a growing agony… a feeling like I can’t handle this but am helpless to do anything but endure it… a feeling like I can’t live with this if it doesn’t get fixed but I’m not the one who can fix it.

And yes…. a whole bunch of fear packed in fueling the fire.

Fear that it won’t be fixed…. that there won’t be a day when the relationship is connected again…. that he will keep dodging the issue as he has for so many years and keep running from me instead of doing so…. that whatever the deep issues are and things that brought it to the forefront of his heart will be things that can’t be repaired…

In a nutshell…. that it’s over forever, and not just for now.

When I boil it down like that…. it’s easier to realize that I will be ok… even if it’s over.

I am in no way ok with the idea of it being over…. but I’m fully aware that life moves on, and though I don’t feel like my heart will ever move on nor do I want to make it do so…. I do know that if that is the case, I will still be ok.

Maybe not right now… but I will be.

Despair is an awful pit.

But I think I’ve gotten a better grip on the ladder out now.

But yes, this still sucks.

When will it end?

How long is the pain supposed to stay this sharp?

It’s been a day shy of 3 weeks.

I’ve been in full-on tears 5 times over the last 2 days.

I’ve had my heart seriously broken by two different guys before… one of whom I expected to marry…

And in all of the breakups…. I can’t remember still regularly being in tears longer than about 4-5 days afterwards.

Tears after a week period would generally be a rare one-off occasion.

The ache dropped down after the first week after I’d gotten some answers…. but actually seems like it’s gotten steadily worse since.

It just throbs sometimes.

I know that this isn’t a normal response for me…. it’s not the way my heart usually grieves the losses…. even with the previous ones that the door was left open.

Yes, there should be sadness…. but not like this. Not this gnawing ache that seems like it consumes everything in my life… like it’s going to swallow me whole.

How did this boy get such a crazy strong hold on my heart, that he doesn’t even seem to want?

Yes, I trusted him with it… and I’m still glad that I did…. but still… even the guy I’d been with for 3 years and expected to marry didn’t come close to this. And neither did the guy who was Mr. romantic doing anything and everything in his power to sweep me off my feet only to find someone else.

Completely different animal.

As much as I never thought I’d say this… I’m thinking that it may be time to make a call and see about going back on the anti-anxiety med that also functions as a depression med.

Cuz I’m miserable…. and seems to keep getting worse and the hole getting bigger and bigger… and welcome is wearing out on a lot of the friends who were tolerant of my Prince Charming longing ramblings initially.

I hate the way the med makes me feel… but anything is better than this. I’m not sure that I’m strong enough to do this much more…. but I have no ability to end it.

Physical pain for emotional pain

So, I’ve mentioned my giant project with the house.

I’m done with the living room.

You walk in, and it looks like a completely different place. Everything cleared out, walls repaired and repainted, ceiling fan replaced, floor scrubbed and treated and stained and sealed, windows fixed…

And my ankle is absolutely killing me. Has been all week.

I know that I’m overdoing it.

I know that I’ve needed to just rest for a few days… when I was painting I was needing to take breaks to sit down about every 10 minutes.

But I can’t.

The pushing forward on the project is the only thing making me feel better right now.

Sitting and trying to do something else…. catch up on reading…. work on my blanket or the baby blankets I need to finish… watching a movie… it all hurts so much worse right now emotionally.

Sitting and waiting during my daughter’s hour and a half long volleyball practice last night had me leaving once in tears… and losing the fight again on the drive home.

I had my crochet and kindle with me… I tried to distract myself… it just didn’t work.

My ankle really hurts. Even with meds, I’m still seriously limping again.

But my heart still hurts much worse.

And the bathroom projects await…

“It’s just a thunderstorm”

I’m reminded today of the decision to become involved in Prince Charming’s life as a friend.

Normally, that’s not really something that’s required with
friendships… but in this case, it was.

Prince Charming is, well, charming. One area that we are about opposites. He has a real gift for connecting with people… give him 5 minutes, and even wait staff at a busy place will be his new buddies and remember us the minute we walk in a month later…. down to the movie we were going to see after dinner.

I’d met him the very first day that I went in to the new job to fill out paperwork, but I didn’t really talk to him much during training… but he was one of the people who was everyone’s friend… one of the most popular guys in the class… one of the group who hung out together after work and always seemed to be tight.

I’d been having a really rough time with the sales pushing aspect of the job, and was pretty miserable.

After training, he was one of the people who always sat in the same spot, whereas I usually bounced around quite a bit, but mainly stayed in a different area of the room. But one day, they were shuffling things around for some reason, and Prince Charming moved to the opposite side of the room, and sat next to me.

Several of the previous days in the past week had actually been bad enough that I’d made a trip to the bathroom in tears. But in spite of how awful the job was going, that day, he made me laugh… and made the day go by much easier.

So things shuffled again… and he moved back to his usual location… and I decided in my location bouncing to go sit over by him.

Initially it was because he made my day better being around him… mainly by making me laugh.

But soon I found myself drawn to him as a friend because he was one of very few people who was willing to admit that he was struggling with the job and that the sales aspects of the job sucked…. while many other people were also floundering but still going on about how amazing things were. He was someone who I could tell that I was starting to really hate the job, and have him not give me the same sort of “shame on you for saying that” look I was getting from others… because he was feeling the same way while trying to “pay his dues” to get moved to the department more applicable to his training.

I started sitting by him frequently… but I kind of started to wonder if I was just bugging him… so one day when I had arrived early I sat in an area across from where he usually sat… and was happily surprised when he came over to sit next to me over there.

I’d normally been leaving for lunch, but had started bringing my lunch, and he started sitting by me at lunch at lot of the time too…. even though he had tons of other buddies within our class.

We’d initially started talking on work related topics… but gradually I was getting to know more about some of the rough stuff he had going on in his life.

But one day, somewhat out of the blue…. he pretty abruptly told me that he felt like his life was completely hopeless.

It threw me off… and I don’t remember my response, but I remember it was pretty lame.

But it also triggered my instinct to flee.

I’ve had way too many rounds with people with drama to have any sort of a rescue response left. Been there, done that, too many rounds.

The analogy I like to use on drama is a tornado… you can see it coming, and give as much warning as you can, but there’s not a thing you are going to be able to do beyond that but just keep yourself as much out of the way as possible and help pick up the rubble

I had more than enough people in my life with issues.. and sure didn’t need another…. and I was just beginning to see the extent to which the rough spell of his life reached enough to know that I really didn’t need that.

So that night… I’d been praying for him, which had become a regular thing, but it then moved into praying about him… no longer about resolving his situations but about what to do about him. I was very much enjoying his friendship… but I knew he had a ton of other friends… and him being in my circle of friends was starting to hint that it may be inviting chaos along with the benefits.

And almost immediately…. I got one of the strongest spirit nudges I’ve had in my life… one of those rare times that there was a completely clear mental image…

It was the image of a father holding a jammie-clad son in his arms, sitting on his bed, and a strong, firm whisper… saying “It’s just a thunderstorm.”

With my tornado analogy, it made complete sense immediately. It was just an instant knowledge that this may look like a scary mess… but its not as bad as it looks and it will blow over. There will be some damage, but it won’t be catastrophic. It will be over, the calm will come, and the sun will shine here again.

It’s a reassurance I’ve found myself leaning on many times since then.

I processed it for quite a while… but the one thing it was lacking was a firm push to go into it. Yes, it may just be a thunderstorm… but storms still aren’t the most pleasant thing to weather when you don’t have to.

So I still wasn’t all that sure. Maybe keep a bit of a distance while it blew over, knowing that it would?

And some time later, as I lie there considering what my steps should be in the situation… asking them to be led… there came the second nudge.

This time, my mind came back to right after I’d started the job…. when I was really frustrated that two of my closest local friends really didn’t seem interested in working around my new schedule to keep in contact, and was realizing how much less I mattered in their large group of friends than they mattered in my small one.

It was a distinct memory of praying a request for new friends… and in particular, for friends that it made a difference in their lives whether or not I was in it.

And with the memory came the simple phrase… “You asked.”

It still had no push behind it…. it was just sort of a soft reminder… that it had actually only been a few weeks earlier that I’d been asking for someone who would care that I was in their life.

I’d sort of expected that to be someone else who kept a small circle of close friends… not someone with a risk of being needy… something I quickly clarified!

But I really hadn’t specified. I’d just asked for someone who it actually made a difference to them that I was their friend. He was right, I’d asked… now it was my choice to decide if I really actually wanted it.

There was still no feeling of yes or no to it…. no push towards a certain answer.. it was still open to my decision either way.

I made the decison that I could handle a bit of wind and rain for a while… knowing it would not last forever, and knowing it would not result in standing in the middle of a pile of debris.

There have been gusts… some bigger than others…. a few with some major force behind them… but overall actually a lot fewer than I expected.

But I haven’t regretted that decision. And still don’t.

To Prince Charming:

Do you know just how horribly hard it is to respect your wishes and give you space?

Do you know how crazy it drives me to not be able to reach out and at least try to comfort you when I know you are hurting? How much I want to just wrap my arms around you and be there whether or not I can actually make it any better?

Do you know how many times I’ve wanted to send you a message on email or facebook telling you how much I love you, how amazing I think you are, or how very much the absence in my life aches?

Do you know how very long the email is that lists all of the ways that you showed me love and long term intentions that aren’t explained away by “tried to love you but my heart can’t commit”, nor by being pushed, nor by maintaining status quo, nor by intentions to take advantage…. and how very much I want to send it to you and ask you what it was if not love?

Or how very short the list is on times that I can list that might have been signs that you didn’t love me? How very few moments there were that you didn’t treat me as if I were cherished?

Do you know how many people have tried to convince me that you were just a jerk, recited all of your weaknesses to me, told me that I need to let go, and how many times I’ve tried to convince myself they were right to make myself feel better about losing you, and yet have had not a bit of success in doing so?

Or how many times I’ve re-read your recent emails with the same intent and same effect?

Or how many times I’ve listened to the one voicemail of yours I have saved just to hear your voice again calling me beautiful, and wish I’d answered the phone less quickly to have more of them?

Do you know how happy I was with what I had, and how much I could care less about whatever I “deserve” or what’s “not fair” to me?

Do you know how many tears have been shed missing you?

How many tear-filled conversations trying to make sense of things?

How many hours spent in prayer for your heart to be sorted out?

How many days on end spent thinking of you?

Do you know how much I’d give to be able to kiss you again, wrap my arm around you, mess with your hair, and just love on you forever whether or not your feelings ever came around to feel the same way about me?

Do you know how much I’d still love to do my best to spoil you with anything your heart desires that I can offer, with no expectations of returns, just to see you happy, give you a brief break in the hurts of life, and make you show your sweet smile?

Do you know how much I’d give whatever it took to work it out… to make the smaller problems be as small as possible… if only there were the smallest chance of hope that it would make things any better?

Do you realize how very very hard it is to let you go and allow you to find out what you need to find out…. knowing that your actions seem to indicate that you do not expect to ever look back… and feel completely and utterly helpless to do anything about it?

How very hard it is to not be able to fight for what you want more than anything in the world?

How badly everything inside screams to grab and kick and beg and scream and anything else that might possibly have the tiniest chance of helping?

Do you know how deeply I love you? Would it scare you off even more if you did really realize just how deep that well runs?

Do you have any idea how massive of a thing that is for someone who doesn’t love easily and trusts very few people with access to her heart?

Do you know how that hasn’t changed by anything that’s happened and anything you’ve said?

Do you know that if you ever want to let me love you again, that I will wrap my heart back around you the instant you say the word with nothing but gratefulness at your return… requiring no apologies, no explanations, no admissions of wrong, nothing held against you in any way, and not even asking that you wait until your feelings are on the same page?

And do you know how bad the ache is to know that right now not a single of these answers matter?

But moving on…

But, faced with being stuck here…. I might as well do what I can to make it as livable as possible.

And so, I’ve decided that it’s time to dedicate the time, the effort, and the expense that i’ve been reluctant to do previously given the situation.

Financially, my expenses were going to be increased by about $350 a month if I moved… so I figure that allocating that amount for a couple of months still leaves me even in the end if it makes staying more tolerable.

So I found myself reluctantly determined…. and started looking at gathering supplies… figuring that if I put out the financial effort at the start, I’m more likely to follow through with the time and physical effort to completion.

So I’m freshly determined… and let’s face it, after the trauma with Prince Charming, I needed a project to throw myself into.

And suddenly… there’s an ad. The really expensive paint with primer in it that I needed to cover the bright colors in here after doing the wall work was on sale for buy one, get one free for the weekend.

This stuff is never on sale more than about $5 off… and I needed 4 gallons of it (plus possibly Boo’s room because she wants to change colors if I’m painting everywhere else). As it happened, their limit was 2 sets, giving me 4 gallons.

It’s always nice to have encouragement in a new and reluctant decision by seemingly random factors.

But then, while I was standing in the flooring section getting supplies to reseal the floor… an employee walks up to me.

I’d been needing one of my tape measures to measure the bathroom floor for covering, and the heating vents to replace the rusted and nonfunctional ones…. but both of mine were in the boxes that had been packed for moving, so I needed to dig one out.

The lady handed me a flyer for a new line of paint…. and a tape measure with a paint company name on it.

The tape measure ended up being just two inches longer than the longest area that I needed to measure.

And then, I go to get the bug stuff…. knowing that I’m going to be dumping a huge amount of money into this part of things planning to deploy the vast majority all at once all over the house as heavily as practical.

And every one of the packages has a bright green coupon on it… making it about 1/3rd off the price I’d expected to pay. Still a fortune… but at least less of one.

Then, for one item I needed, Home Depot no longer carried it… so I decided to go to a huge store that I’ve never been to, but that said online that they did carry it… and to try and get the other items there too instead of making another trip across town. Even though I prefer home depot because the website will tell me exact row and shelf location for every item.

So I have no clue where anything is at this store… and it’s a giant store.

But we end up having gone in the right set of doors… walking straight to the right section…. pick a row in that section to start searching and find that it was the right row out of about 8 possibilities… and as I go to start looking for the other items, I find that one of them I had literally walked past in a display in the main aisle…. another was on the end facing the aisle…. and yet another was only about 4 feet from that aisle so that I could see it before I went down the row.

I’d expected the trip to take more than an hour to track things down… and we were out in 15 minutes.

And then we came to the bathroom cabinet needing replaced. I’d priced them before at about $70 in the store. But I look online, and see one for $38.

I go to the store, as it showed in stock, but didn’t see anything lower than the one for 70. An employee asked me if I needed help… I mentioned it… and he informs me that the cheaper one is the one that includes the sink.

Ok…. I don’t get the logic at all… but yeah, I suppose I can replace my sink too for getting 30 bucks off. lol

So I’m still not happy with not moving. At all.

Nor am I really looking forward to the amount of work ahead.

But at least the sun is shining on the decision.

Not moving along…

The week of mother’s day was going really horrible for me emotionally even before the relationship trauma happened…. with also being the week that I would have graduated.

But beyond that, there was another of the really large factors that was throwing me into a funk that week…. and that was that due to a family drama situation, I’d decided not to move.

I had been very seriously looking forward to moving…. because conditions with the house have been getting pretty close to unliveable, but my ex-stepdad who owns the house is unwilling to take the expense and effort to repair them.

The hot water heater was completely non-functional for more than 6 months… meaning we were having to shower at mom’s house. There was a major sewer issue that should have been an emergency situation that instead took weeks to be resolved… even then, I paid half of the expenses… and that was back in January, and there’s still an uncovered hole in my back yard with exposed pipe that is waiting on him to get a piece of metal that it required to be able to re-bury it.

Bugs of all sorts have been a problem for years, dating back to when they sprayed outside while I was out of town for the week, which drove spiders and everything else inside to get established while I was gone. Spraying repeatedly hasn’t helped…. nor has much else.

My effort in removing most of the carpet helped, but there are still issues related to smell from the flooring where it had soaked beyond the carpet and into the wood.

Many of the cracked areas from where the house was almost taken in a tornado in 98 that took out the back garage 2 doors down had previously been patched… but between age and small earthquakes from northern oklahoma, that patching is failing and there are huge crumbling cracks needing dealt with on walls and ceilings, and in some cases even pieces of plaster coming out.

The bathroom has parts of the wall that were done as sheets of tile, with no drywall behind them, and so now that the tiles are splitting apart, they are falling completely off and leaving big exposed holes in the wall… and about half of the wall section is only held on by caulking that I’ve put on there trying to hold it.

The living room ceiling fan is the only light for the room but doesn’t work, and the fan hasn’t worked since shortly after we moved in… but beyond that, there is jagged glass on the framed part of it from an incident with a Wii remote (that one is our fault, but it was already needed replace from functionality)

The screen door needs the support bar replaced (thus the cat tail amputation incident), and the locking system is such that if you lock it, it will not be able to be unlocked without completely removing the lock… so I’ve had to remove it so that we don’t accidentally hit the lock, yet again.

The basement floor floods regularly. Even when it isn’t raining.

And that’s pretty much just the start… of a million small issues making themselves into a big mess.

It’s an old house… built in the 40’s… and until we moved in, it had been occupied by the original owners until their death, so much of the care it needs they were not able to keep up with in their elder years.

I’ve done a lot over the years in basic stuff and critical stuff… I replaced the thermostat just last fall… and honestly, most of the stuff that needs done is stuff that I can do with various degrees of time and effort.

However, the situation is that it is not my house. I don’t even have a formal lease agreement.

All he would have to do is claim that he was just letting me stay there as a guest and not a renter and I could be kicked out at any time.

So, it’s a situation where putting my time and effort into the house may be a complete loss.

And beyond that, I felt completely overwhelmed on where to even start.

And actually, since the problems with the house are probably a good part of why he doesn’t live here, demanding they be fixed or that he at least fund the repairs may well be demanding myself out of living there…. because if he were willing to do so, he would.

But the rent is low… and until this year, that was the overriding factor in staying. I was barely managing to survive even with the low rent…. let alone afford higher.

But that isn’t the case now. And I was greatly looking forward to being somewhere else.

But as much as I wanted out…. I knew there were other factors that were going to be going against the move.

I’d been preparing myself for battle… getting ready for the drama explosion I knew was going to be the result of that action…. and already waging smaller skirmishes that were breaking out.

But I came to the conclusion that the losses from the battle are likely to be larger than I can deal with at the moment.

Victory would be highly uncertain…. the consequences for loss being greater than I was willing to sacrifice… and even in the event of victory there would be damages.

I came to the realization that I’ve got to just surrender the battle that I can’t fight right now…. and let the situation work itself into a place that it can be accomplished without such losses.

Which was hard. And a really huge disappointment to my hopes.