Answers and questions

So, I’ve pretty much failed at leaving him alone… but through several layers of answers that didn’t entirely answer the question of why, it has now been answered.

He feels like he can’t commit his heart to moving on in love until he’s resolved feelings that relate to a mistake he feels like he made in not pursuing someone in high school.

That’s been two decades and a marriage in the past… but he doesn’t feel like his heart has moved on.

The frustrating thing is that if he’d told me that upfront, I’d have suggested trying counseling first, but I’d have given him my blessing to resolve the issue… and been mostly ok with it.

Because if that’s how he feels, he’s right that he does need to get that resolved before moving forward.

So, I’m still very very greatly missing him in my life… and I’m not going to say that the tears from that have stopped or that I expect them to anytime soon.

But the gnawing heart crushing ache of the past week is gone. I’m mostly at peace that he needs to do what he needs to do.
Knowing that this is a long running issue, I’m feeling like the likelihood is that he is going to find that the perfect fantasy image of her that he’s had in his head for so long doesn’t actually reflect reality. How long that will take is harder to guess.

If it doesn’t, then I’m still happy with having had him in my life as a wonderful break in the solitude and the chance to feel love again… and I’m glad to have been able to be in his life as a support through the rough times he’s been through… even if the thought of the end of that spell still easily brings me to tears.

If it does, I know that the dynamic between us was strong and a very unusual thing… I know that I felt well loved by him even if he now questions that as he feels like he couldn’t give me what I deserved due to the conflict… and I know that I’ve done the best that I can to love him as well as I can.

I hope that’s enough to bring him back to my life. Sometimes I’m confident that it is. Othertimes I feel like I need to realize that it may not be.
But as I’ve said here, long before the issue, I have no plans to date again…. he was an exception, and will remain one… and I feel no urge to evict him from his very large place in my heart. I still love him dearly, and my heart will still remain open to him.

It may not be the least painful path… but it’s really the only path that I feel like I can take with where I’m at right now.
Far from pushing my feelings away from him, it’s actually made me far more sure that he’s the one that I want in my life…. and that even if he isn’t there, that I don’t want anyone else.

Which would be great if only he were on the same page…. but rather scares the snot out of me at the moment.

But right now I’ve just got to trust… in him, in our relationship, in my own feelings and intuition, and most of all in God…. and do what may be some serious waiting.

But man that’s hard sometimes.


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