Serious collateral damage

I went into this a little bit previously…. but I sort of feel like I’m on a different wavelength from a large percentage of my friends right now.

I still love him very much… still think he is awesome and amazing and sweet and a million other things.

But somehow, this seems to be open season on people attacking him.

I think this is actually intended to make me feel better…. to show they are on board with me… but that’s not the boat that I’m in at all, and so it feels like an attack when I’m already hurting.

But worse…. it makes me wonder if they’d say the same sorts of things about me behind my back given the opportunity.

Yes, I’m aware he has flaws. (And I actually just had to correct this from saying "my man has flaws")

I’m actually very aware of most of them.

But bringing them up to try and tell me how awful he is and convince me he’s just a childish jerk who acts like a baby and is fat and dresses weird doesn’t do anything of the sort.

– first off, it makes me feel like I need to defend him
– second, it makes me think about his awesome areas of strengths that makes me miss him all the more and want to cry
– third, it makes me aware that a lot of the things they are slamming about him are things that apply just as much to me

– and fourth, it makes me feel all the more the desire to be in his life as a support when he has people like that feeling things like that against him.

He’s not perfect, but he’s perfect for me. I choose him to be mine, even if he does not return that choice at the moment for it to be fulfilled.

Trashing him is not making me feel better about not being with him…. it’s not damaging my view of him or relationship with him, it’s just damaging my view of those who would attack him…. and realize that some of these people probably need to have less involvement in my life, particularly the ones who were also friends with him to his face… and those that have repeatedly ignored my ban on bashing him to me.

I’m getting all sorts of advice on what to do about the situation…. but so much of it seems to be so very far away from what I’m feeling.

If he comes back, there is no way that I’m going to keep him at a distance and make demands of him… or do any sort of crazy thing in the way of making him earn his way in… or attempt to punish him for sorting things out… or someone even went as far as to suggest I demand "a big rock" before allowing him back into my life… others have said I should refuse to even speak with him and should remove all connections until he is ready to commit.

Are these people seriously crazy?!?

I love this man madly. If he comes back, it’s going to be something of a prodigal son sort of response in which I’m going to have to do my best to try and not smother him and scare him off with the intensity of it.

There is nothing in me that wants to do anything to him but have him back in my arms and love him like crazy.

He’s already done his work to earn that place… and he’s already won the battle for my heart in a resounding victory.

It’s his. He can reclaim if he wants it just by deciding that he does. I will not be revoking his claim anytime even remotely close to soon, and from what I can see at the moment, I don’t see that I ever will.

I’ve still got some work ahead of me in the battle to win his, but it sounds like I was up against a factor that would have prevented my victory no matter the fight I put up. My not having his heart does not make his having already won mine any less of an accomplishment.

I’m sure that as many voices as I’m hearing it from, I’m probably the crazy one here.

But it’s where I’m at…. and I’m really appreciating the handful that are respecting that.


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