As a matter of business, I’ve decided that I’m tired of using "he" and "him", and so it’s time to assign a non-google-connectable blogname. Yeah, I know, this makes little sense when he just ended things and theoretically that should make mentions of him not that common soon… but it’s what I’m doing.
Usually I just use the first letter of their nickname… such as D… but in this case, as I’ve been spending time with the little prince charming a lot as mentioned recently, I’ve decided that I’m going to use Prince Charming, or PC for laziness… which also works with him being an IT guy by profession. So PC it is.
A few months back, about a week before Valentines day, PC and I were having dinner together… and he’d just completely thrown off the waitress by some silly comment that I wish I could remember… that had me cracking up laughing the minute she finally walked out of earshot.
He responded by mentioning that we needed to tip her well (which he’s always good about doing anyway)… but after just a short pause his voice got a serious tone to it, as he asked "What do you even see in me?"
By the context, it should have been a joking rhetorical question that I could answer back with humor… but there was just this tone to his voice, and this look from his eyes watching my response… that I got the feeling that it ran a lot deeper than the silliness.
I’m not someone who does well with verbal processing anyway… and my brain tends to blank when surprised…. and this was a completely abrupt shift from the laughter…
And so I fumbled it. On the spot, I think I came up with something to the effect of "An awesome guy."
Which he is… and I suppose isn’t an awful answer… but it wasn’t the answer that I knew he’d needed.
At the time, I was working a shift that didn’t end until 2am, and so there was a lot of down time at work. So before my first shift that week I’d walked next door and purchased a notebook… and over the next entire week I tried to put down on paper exactly what it was that I saw in him and why I really loved him…. with the intent of putting it in a Valentines card to balance out my gift to him, that leaned a lot more practical than romantic.
And so I wrote and I wrote… and I wrote… all week… till my hand was aching because I don’t write things by hand extendedly much anymore.
But as awesome as he is… and as much as I can go on about him…. I found that it just didn’t really nail it.
It just wasn’t something that could be put in a nice neat little category…. it just didn’t fit there.
Because what I saw in him…. was him.
All of the various traits showed it in their own way… and there were a lot of those things that I see in him that I like and that I love…
But even listing all of them out on paper… it just still felt like it was greatly lacking in missing the critical element…. that it still just entirely missed the point.
I realized that it didn’t say anything that set him apart from other guys having those traits (though even that is something I don’t think I’d find.) It felt like it was just a list of strengths and personality factors that I found to be favorable…. that it seemed more like a psychological list of attributes than a love letter.
It didn’t say why he in particular is so special to me… and I felt like it couldn’t. How do you put that on paper? How do you squeeze it down to fit into words?
And so, in one of the moves that I regret, I never gave him the letter…. because it frustrated me that it just didn’t seem to answer the question I’d wanted it to answer.
But I’ve found that in the last 10 days that going through the process of writing the letter helped me a lot more than I realized at the time.
Because I know that why I still think he is awesome is not just purely fueled by affectionate feelings… or by an obsession… or by neediness… or just by a feeling of loss…
I know why he is awesome to me in tangible ways…. and I know that he is not replaceable to me by anyone else based only on traits.
I wrote the letter addressed to him. But I think maybe it was actually to me.