Shifting claims

While I’m dealing somewhat with the fact that I’m currently the ex-girlfriend of Prince Charming, I am still completely unable to consider him my ex-boyfriend. He changed his facebook status almost instantly… I have no intention to change mine at the moment.

I’m trying to come to grips with this somewhat mentally…. that he’s not “my sweet guy”, “my awesome guy”, or “my” anything right now…. that I currently have no claim on him…

But that’s very hard when he very much still has claim over my heart.

And I think part of what’s making it so much of a change is because it was so abrupt.

Yes, for the previous few weeks he’d been pushing me away… and unable to even make time to go for ice cream with me… but that wasn’t how things had been going previously.

Just the weekend before the “no time” spell started…. he’d been talking to me about his life insurance beneficiaries, and letting me know of his desires on plans for having his sons taken care of in that event.

That same week, he’d paid to have me added to his insurance so that I would be covered in driving his truck.

Two weeks before, he’d been giving me living will instructions… and had mentioned considering making me the main person making that call but was leaving it as his mom until we were formally related…. but said that he’d instructed his mother that I was to be involved with her decisions.

And a week before that, we’d been discussing the eventual topic of when we would be living together as far as tolerance on cats, etc, and asking if I thought I could stand living with him.

He’d made a random comment that same night, when discussing a worn out shirt that someday I’d probably the one buying shirts for him.

He’d made an obligation, when I hadn’t asked him to, for something that was going to be a longer term goal to accomplish, in completion of something I’d helped him with.

When discussing my planned move… he’d mentioned that he hoped to be stable financially to be living on his own soon… that if he could pull it off he’d try to get an apartment in the same place that I did for a year…. then we’d see…. which to me sounded a lot like he was thinking towards that time frame for us being in the same apartment.

We’ve gotten passes for the local baseball team for the summer.

He talked of his mom recently, of how well we got along… of her making comments about marriage…. of expectations of us bonding over certain activities…

He’d even talked of plans for supporting her and having her living with him when she’s older and current health issues have gotten worse… mentioning that he wanted to make sure I knew of his intentions there.

I had no reason to doubt that he’d be in my life right now.

I wasn’t really thinking about expecting it to be forever yet, but at least for the extended future.

Every sign that I saw from him seemed to point that direction.

That seemed to be where his head was at… and it was where my heart was at.

But while my heart is still there, his apparently was putting up resistance to his head. It seems like his head was putting up a good fight and was really trying to move forward.

But the reluctance in the heart won.

My heart and mind just aren’t quite able to process that right now, if it ever is.


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