Do you know just how horribly hard it is to respect your wishes and give you space?
Do you know how crazy it drives me to not be able to reach out and at least try to comfort you when I know you are hurting? How much I want to just wrap my arms around you and be there whether or not I can actually make it any better?
Do you know how many times I’ve wanted to send you a message on email or facebook telling you how much I love you, how amazing I think you are, or how very much the absence in my life aches?
Do you know how very long the email is that lists all of the ways that you showed me love and long term intentions that aren’t explained away by “tried to love you but my heart can’t commit”, nor by being pushed, nor by maintaining status quo, nor by intentions to take advantage…. and how very much I want to send it to you and ask you what it was if not love?
Or how very short the list is on times that I can list that might have been signs that you didn’t love me? How very few moments there were that you didn’t treat me as if I were cherished?
Do you know how many people have tried to convince me that you were just a jerk, recited all of your weaknesses to me, told me that I need to let go, and how many times I’ve tried to convince myself they were right to make myself feel better about losing you, and yet have had not a bit of success in doing so?
Or how many times I’ve re-read your recent emails with the same intent and same effect?
Or how many times I’ve listened to the one voicemail of yours I have saved just to hear your voice again calling me beautiful, and wish I’d answered the phone less quickly to have more of them?
Do you know how happy I was with what I had, and how much I could care less about whatever I “deserve” or what’s “not fair” to me?
Do you know how many tears have been shed missing you?
How many tear-filled conversations trying to make sense of things?
How many hours spent in prayer for your heart to be sorted out?
How many days on end spent thinking of you?
Do you know how much I’d give to be able to kiss you again, wrap my arm around you, mess with your hair, and just love on you forever whether or not your feelings ever came around to feel the same way about me?
Do you know how much I’d still love to do my best to spoil you with anything your heart desires that I can offer, with no expectations of returns, just to see you happy, give you a brief break in the hurts of life, and make you show your sweet smile?
Do you know how much I’d give whatever it took to work it out… to make the smaller problems be as small as possible… if only there were the smallest chance of hope that it would make things any better?
Do you realize how very very hard it is to let you go and allow you to find out what you need to find out…. knowing that your actions seem to indicate that you do not expect to ever look back… and feel completely and utterly helpless to do anything about it?
How very hard it is to not be able to fight for what you want more than anything in the world?
How badly everything inside screams to grab and kick and beg and scream and anything else that might possibly have the tiniest chance of helping?
Do you know how deeply I love you? Would it scare you off even more if you did really realize just how deep that well runs?
Do you have any idea how massive of a thing that is for someone who doesn’t love easily and trusts very few people with access to her heart?
Do you know how that hasn’t changed by anything that’s happened and anything you’ve said?
Do you know that if you ever want to let me love you again, that I will wrap my heart back around you the instant you say the word with nothing but gratefulness at your return… requiring no apologies, no explanations, no admissions of wrong, nothing held against you in any way, and not even asking that you wait until your feelings are on the same page?
And do you know how bad the ache is to know that right now not a single of these answers matter?