Agony and despair

I’ve had trouble in the last few days explaining exactly what the difference was… why I was suddenly having such a rough time on coping when I’d seemed to be doing so much better during week 2.

I’d gone from “I’m not ok, but I will be.” in week 1, to “I’m upset, but mostly ok” in week two… to week three turning into “I’m really not ok, and I really feel like I can’t handle any more of this.”

This evening, in a distraction attempt while paint was drying on my primary distraction project, I was catching up on some blogs, and read Christa Black’s blog from a few days back.

Now, Christa is someone I’ve read for years in various places… and she’s recovering from a much more harsh situation than a lost love… losing her daughter shortly after birth due to anencephaly. (In the weird way the internet connects things together, I actually knew what that was from another blog that I’ve read for years discussing the loss of her daughter at times.)

But in her post… she discusses the different between sorrow and despair…. that sorrow comes out of love, which brings hope…. while despair comes out of fear, and brings hopelessness.

That… is what happened.

That was what I couldn’t explain on why things suddenly seemed to turn into this phase that seemed like it was taking over my entire life and trying to strangle me.

Sorrow is a good description of how I was coping previously. Was I heartbroken and hurting? Yes. But there was still an element of recognizing that it was in process of getting repaired, and whether or not that ever happened, it was a good thing to have it dealt with and in the open. There was more of an acceptance to it… and more of a desire for the best outcome for both of us.

The past 4 days or so…. have been agony. I think I’ve cried more tears in the past 3 days than in the entire first week when it was still a harsh shock…. and I think between the two spells, I’ve cried more from this than in the entire rest of my life combined. I work things out and try to solve them…. tears are reserved for times I feel helpless to do anything to fix anything.

There has been such a growing agony… a feeling like I can’t handle this but am helpless to do anything but endure it… a feeling like I can’t live with this if it doesn’t get fixed but I’m not the one who can fix it.

And yes…. a whole bunch of fear packed in fueling the fire.

Fear that it won’t be fixed…. that there won’t be a day when the relationship is connected again…. that he will keep dodging the issue as he has for so many years and keep running from me instead of doing so…. that whatever the deep issues are and things that brought it to the forefront of his heart will be things that can’t be repaired…

In a nutshell…. that it’s over forever, and not just for now.

When I boil it down like that…. it’s easier to realize that I will be ok… even if it’s over.

I am in no way ok with the idea of it being over…. but I’m fully aware that life moves on, and though I don’t feel like my heart will ever move on nor do I want to make it do so…. I do know that if that is the case, I will still be ok.

Maybe not right now… but I will be.

Despair is an awful pit.

But I think I’ve gotten a better grip on the ladder out now.

But yes, this still sucks.

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