So very missed.

I knew the weekend was probably going to be rough…. and it’s exceeding my expectations on that front.

I volunteered to work today hoping it would keep me busy, but it didn’t help much… because the last time that I’d worked with this department, was an occasion that I’d ended up leaving early to go pick up Prince Charming following a major fallout with his brother.

So he was still on my mind a lot.

Today has just been one of those days where the tears are back, and I would do just about anything to have him back.

It’s one of those days where I feel like begging… like telling him that I don’t care if he feels like he couldn’t love me like I deserved because I was perfectly happy with what I had… like asking him to just pretend because even if he doesn’t really love me back, at least it makes me happy to be able to love on him…

I want to send a message and let him know just how very much he is missed.

I want to send one asking if there is anything I can do to change anything at all… just to name it… anything…. no boundaries…

But I know that none of these would change anything…. or if they did, they’d probably just make it much worse.

I just want him back so very bad… and just missing him so very much….

And I’m trying to just pray and trust that him and God will get things sorted out.

But the pit in my heart from his absence seems so very very big today… and the fear is sinking in that it will never be going away.

Vertigone

It’s spring, and my allergies have been crazy.

During the (first) crummy week, I was having to do nasal rinses twice a day just to breathe normally.

But it was getting a bit better… and pretty much stopped after all of the tears and snot had been forced out during the emotional crying.

But I started to feel dizzy… and so I was pretty sure my ears were being affected by the sinus issues. A lot of times when I get sinus infections, I also get an ear infection.

The dizziness got a lot worse… Wednesday of the next week I actually stayed home from work because the room was spinning as I tried to get ready to the point that I felt I was going to vomit.

So I upped the sinus meds, and added motion sick meds… because there was once a round in the winter when I go vertigo bad enough to be in the ER twice, and basically the IV meds they gave me were the same thing as the motion sick meds I could take at home… so it wasn’t worth going in.

Thursday was a bit better… though I still went home from work about an hour early to go lay down.

It stayed at about that level for several days…

And then that sunday, abruptly it stopped. It was still there driving home from church, but was gone by the time I’d dealt with some email immediately afterwards.

It was just a bit later when I realized… that the time in the winter that I’d had the vertigo…. was the day after one of the other two times that I’ve had my heart seriously broken and aching.

The email I’d been dealing with when the dizziness went away… had resolved some of the issues with the aching and had brought me a bit of peace.

I know that my stomach is really sensitive to pain… particularly physical pain but also emotional pain when it reaches a certain level.

I eat more when stressed or mildly upset… but when I’m in pain, I don’t feel like eating much of anything, if I can even keep anything down.

But I guess now I know that my sense of balance is also sensitive to heartbreak of a certain severity.

Actually seems sort of appropriate.

The milestone

Things have been getting a bit easier on me emotionally. The tears are much less, and overall I’ve actually been feeling pretty strong emotionally.

Or they were.

But tomorrow is 6 months ago that I met Prince Charming for dinner, technically as friends, and he formally asked to take the relationship to the dating level.

Granted, we’d been in the grey area for a while, with even his teen son as calling it dating before that point…. but that was the night that things became real.

And as the sweet evening went on… with a trip for ice cream that neither of us even made it halfway through a small cone before it had melted… I realized that I had a decision to let my heart get fully involved, or to keep things on a more recreational just beyond friends level…. to decide to trust him or to withhold it until I was more sure.

But the time the evening ended, well after midnight, after having gone downtown to watch the fountains… there was no doubt at all in my decision.

He didn’t have my heart anywhere near as serious as he does now… but the initial claim had been made.

I didn’t think he really realized it on his side until about a week and a half later, when we took a trip to the nearest large city to walk along their plaza area watching the newly lit Christmas lights, dinner and drinks with tables overlooking the light displays, and taking a horse drawn carriage ride.

But a few months back, he told me that he had known the minute he first got to hold my hand.

The trip had been magical.. but that first night… had been such a deep, peaceful, soothing evening. It was the evening my heart changed, and I believe it to have been permanently.

A few weeks ago, I’d asked him to do a trip back to the city this weekend… knowing we had a long weekend and with his schedule for the rest of the summer, it’d be our last chance to do some things there that we’d wanted to do together, including catching a game with the professional baseball team in that city.

This is going to be a very long weekend emotionally…. as the gap in my life where he belongs seems especially huge right now.

Shifting claims

While I’m dealing somewhat with the fact that I’m currently the ex-girlfriend of Prince Charming, I am still completely unable to consider him my ex-boyfriend. He changed his facebook status almost instantly… I have no intention to change mine at the moment.

I’m trying to come to grips with this somewhat mentally…. that he’s not “my sweet guy”, “my awesome guy”, or “my” anything right now…. that I currently have no claim on him…

But that’s very hard when he very much still has claim over my heart.

And I think part of what’s making it so much of a change is because it was so abrupt.

Yes, for the previous few weeks he’d been pushing me away… and unable to even make time to go for ice cream with me… but that wasn’t how things had been going previously.

Just the weekend before the “no time” spell started…. he’d been talking to me about his life insurance beneficiaries, and letting me know of his desires on plans for having his sons taken care of in that event.

That same week, he’d paid to have me added to his insurance so that I would be covered in driving his truck.

Two weeks before, he’d been giving me living will instructions… and had mentioned considering making me the main person making that call but was leaving it as his mom until we were formally related…. but said that he’d instructed his mother that I was to be involved with her decisions.

And a week before that, we’d been discussing the eventual topic of when we would be living together as far as tolerance on cats, etc, and asking if I thought I could stand living with him.

He’d made a random comment that same night, when discussing a worn out shirt that someday I’d probably the one buying shirts for him.

He’d made an obligation, when I hadn’t asked him to, for something that was going to be a longer term goal to accomplish, in completion of something I’d helped him with.

When discussing my planned move… he’d mentioned that he hoped to be stable financially to be living on his own soon… that if he could pull it off he’d try to get an apartment in the same place that I did for a year…. then we’d see…. which to me sounded a lot like he was thinking towards that time frame for us being in the same apartment.

We’ve gotten passes for the local baseball team for the summer.

He talked of his mom recently, of how well we got along… of her making comments about marriage…. of expectations of us bonding over certain activities…

He’d even talked of plans for supporting her and having her living with him when she’s older and current health issues have gotten worse… mentioning that he wanted to make sure I knew of his intentions there.

I had no reason to doubt that he’d be in my life right now.

I wasn’t really thinking about expecting it to be forever yet, but at least for the extended future.

Every sign that I saw from him seemed to point that direction.

That seemed to be where his head was at… and it was where my heart was at.

But while my heart is still there, his apparently was putting up resistance to his head. It seems like his head was putting up a good fight and was really trying to move forward.

But the reluctance in the heart won.

My heart and mind just aren’t quite able to process that right now, if it ever is.

Let me count the ways…

As a matter of business, I’ve decided that I’m tired of using "he" and "him", and so it’s time to assign a non-google-connectable blogname. Yeah, I know, this makes little sense when he just ended things and theoretically that should make mentions of him not that common soon… but it’s what I’m doing.

Usually I just use the first letter of their nickname… such as D… but in this case, as I’ve been spending time with the little prince charming a lot as mentioned recently, I’ve decided that I’m going to use Prince Charming, or PC for laziness… which also works with him being an IT guy by profession. So PC it is.

A few months back, about a week before Valentines day, PC and I were having dinner together… and he’d just completely thrown off the waitress by some silly comment that I wish I could remember… that had me cracking up laughing the minute she finally walked out of earshot.

He responded by mentioning that we needed to tip her well (which he’s always good about doing anyway)… but after just a short pause his voice got a serious tone to it, as he asked "What do you even see in me?"

By the context, it should have been a joking rhetorical question that I could answer back with humor… but there was just this tone to his voice, and this look from his eyes watching my response… that I got the feeling that it ran a lot deeper than the silliness.

I’m not someone who does well with verbal processing anyway… and my brain tends to blank when surprised…. and this was a completely abrupt shift from the laughter…

And so I fumbled it. On the spot, I think I came up with something to the effect of "An awesome guy."

Which he is… and I suppose isn’t an awful answer… but it wasn’t the answer that I knew he’d needed.

At the time, I was working a shift that didn’t end until 2am, and so there was a lot of down time at work. So before my first shift that week I’d walked next door and purchased a notebook… and over the next entire week I tried to put down on paper exactly what it was that I saw in him and why I really loved him…. with the intent of putting it in a Valentines card to balance out my gift to him, that leaned a lot more practical than romantic.

And so I wrote and I wrote… and I wrote… all week… till my hand was aching because I don’t write things by hand extendedly much anymore.

But as awesome as he is… and as much as I can go on about him…. I found that it just didn’t really nail it.

It just wasn’t something that could be put in a nice neat little category…. it just didn’t fit there.

Because what I saw in him…. was him.

All of the various traits showed it in their own way… and there were a lot of those things that I see in him that I like and that I love…

But even listing all of them out on paper… it just still felt like it was greatly lacking in missing the critical element…. that it still just entirely missed the point.

I realized that it didn’t say anything that set him apart from other guys having those traits (though even that is something I don’t think I’d find.) It felt like it was just a list of strengths and personality factors that I found to be favorable…. that it seemed more like a psychological list of attributes than a love letter.

It didn’t say why he in particular is so special to me… and I felt like it couldn’t. How do you put that on paper? How do you squeeze it down to fit into words?

And so, in one of the moves that I regret, I never gave him the letter…. because it frustrated me that it just didn’t seem to answer the question I’d wanted it to answer.

But I’ve found that in the last 10 days that going through the process of writing the letter helped me a lot more than I realized at the time.

Because I know that why I still think he is awesome is not just purely fueled by affectionate feelings… or by an obsession… or by neediness… or just by a feeling of loss…

I know why he is awesome to me in tangible ways…. and I know that he is not replaceable to me by anyone else based only on traits.

I wrote the letter addressed to him. But I think maybe it was actually to me.

Serious collateral damage

I went into this a little bit previously…. but I sort of feel like I’m on a different wavelength from a large percentage of my friends right now.

I still love him very much… still think he is awesome and amazing and sweet and a million other things.

But somehow, this seems to be open season on people attacking him.

I think this is actually intended to make me feel better…. to show they are on board with me… but that’s not the boat that I’m in at all, and so it feels like an attack when I’m already hurting.

But worse…. it makes me wonder if they’d say the same sorts of things about me behind my back given the opportunity.

Yes, I’m aware he has flaws. (And I actually just had to correct this from saying "my man has flaws")

I’m actually very aware of most of them.

But bringing them up to try and tell me how awful he is and convince me he’s just a childish jerk who acts like a baby and is fat and dresses weird doesn’t do anything of the sort.

– first off, it makes me feel like I need to defend him
– second, it makes me think about his awesome areas of strengths that makes me miss him all the more and want to cry
– third, it makes me aware that a lot of the things they are slamming about him are things that apply just as much to me

– and fourth, it makes me feel all the more the desire to be in his life as a support when he has people like that feeling things like that against him.

He’s not perfect, but he’s perfect for me. I choose him to be mine, even if he does not return that choice at the moment for it to be fulfilled.

Trashing him is not making me feel better about not being with him…. it’s not damaging my view of him or relationship with him, it’s just damaging my view of those who would attack him…. and realize that some of these people probably need to have less involvement in my life, particularly the ones who were also friends with him to his face… and those that have repeatedly ignored my ban on bashing him to me.

I’m getting all sorts of advice on what to do about the situation…. but so much of it seems to be so very far away from what I’m feeling.

If he comes back, there is no way that I’m going to keep him at a distance and make demands of him… or do any sort of crazy thing in the way of making him earn his way in… or attempt to punish him for sorting things out… or someone even went as far as to suggest I demand "a big rock" before allowing him back into my life… others have said I should refuse to even speak with him and should remove all connections until he is ready to commit.

Are these people seriously crazy?!?

I love this man madly. If he comes back, it’s going to be something of a prodigal son sort of response in which I’m going to have to do my best to try and not smother him and scare him off with the intensity of it.

There is nothing in me that wants to do anything to him but have him back in my arms and love him like crazy.

He’s already done his work to earn that place… and he’s already won the battle for my heart in a resounding victory.

It’s his. He can reclaim if he wants it just by deciding that he does. I will not be revoking his claim anytime even remotely close to soon, and from what I can see at the moment, I don’t see that I ever will.

I’ve still got some work ahead of me in the battle to win his, but it sounds like I was up against a factor that would have prevented my victory no matter the fight I put up. My not having his heart does not make his having already won mine any less of an accomplishment.

I’m sure that as many voices as I’m hearing it from, I’m probably the crazy one here.

But it’s where I’m at…. and I’m really appreciating the handful that are respecting that.

Answers and questions

So, I’ve pretty much failed at leaving him alone… but through several layers of answers that didn’t entirely answer the question of why, it has now been answered.

He feels like he can’t commit his heart to moving on in love until he’s resolved feelings that relate to a mistake he feels like he made in not pursuing someone in high school.

That’s been two decades and a marriage in the past… but he doesn’t feel like his heart has moved on.

The frustrating thing is that if he’d told me that upfront, I’d have suggested trying counseling first, but I’d have given him my blessing to resolve the issue… and been mostly ok with it.

Because if that’s how he feels, he’s right that he does need to get that resolved before moving forward.

So, I’m still very very greatly missing him in my life… and I’m not going to say that the tears from that have stopped or that I expect them to anytime soon.

But the gnawing heart crushing ache of the past week is gone. I’m mostly at peace that he needs to do what he needs to do.
Knowing that this is a long running issue, I’m feeling like the likelihood is that he is going to find that the perfect fantasy image of her that he’s had in his head for so long doesn’t actually reflect reality. How long that will take is harder to guess.

If it doesn’t, then I’m still happy with having had him in my life as a wonderful break in the solitude and the chance to feel love again… and I’m glad to have been able to be in his life as a support through the rough times he’s been through… even if the thought of the end of that spell still easily brings me to tears.

If it does, I know that the dynamic between us was strong and a very unusual thing… I know that I felt well loved by him even if he now questions that as he feels like he couldn’t give me what I deserved due to the conflict… and I know that I’ve done the best that I can to love him as well as I can.

I hope that’s enough to bring him back to my life. Sometimes I’m confident that it is. Othertimes I feel like I need to realize that it may not be.
But as I’ve said here, long before the issue, I have no plans to date again…. he was an exception, and will remain one… and I feel no urge to evict him from his very large place in my heart. I still love him dearly, and my heart will still remain open to him.

It may not be the least painful path… but it’s really the only path that I feel like I can take with where I’m at right now.
Far from pushing my feelings away from him, it’s actually made me far more sure that he’s the one that I want in my life…. and that even if he isn’t there, that I don’t want anyone else.

Which would be great if only he were on the same page…. but rather scares the snot out of me at the moment.

But right now I’ve just got to trust… in him, in our relationship, in my own feelings and intuition, and most of all in God…. and do what may be some serious waiting.

But man that’s hard sometimes.