tomorrow marks 7 weeks since the breakup.
a friend so kindly dropped that ache-bomb on me this morning, attempting to convince me to delete him from my facebook after a recent incident…. and telling me that if he can’t even handle having me comment on his posts after that long, then he’s never going to get over himself and his pity party enough to care that anyone cares about him at all even as a friend.
my friends think i’m absolutely crazy for not hating his guts and being completely convinced that he’s just a complete and total jerk who used me and is moving on to hunt new victims.
and i dont really blame them. i think i would probably say the same thing if it were someone else.
most tolerate it as insanity…. with the exception of the one who took it personally that i didnt take her advice.
but i just dont think i’m ever going to be convinced that he’s a heartless cruel jerk…. no matter how much he himself tells me that he is, and no matter how much he acts like one.
yes, he’s got some massive issues making him act like a total jerk.
but he is more than that behavior.
whether or not i can ever convince anyone else of that fact… or even convince him of that fact…
he just is.
he’s not acting out of his true character, he’s acting out of hurt.
beyond the general traits that attract me to him, there is just this sense…. that he is more than he shows right now.
he has got what it takes to get through… i have no doubt on that.
it’s not that i dont expect him to screw up, trust me, he’s had a few rounds that I would have been justified in being mad or thinking less of him… its not that i put him on a pedestal of being perfect…
but i believe in him.
even with everything recently… even when he is being awful and deceptive… even when he’s thinking that he can fix his hurting through things that hurrt himself and others in the process
he is still so much more than that, even when his behavior makes him look like a heartless self-absorbed jerk who could care less who else he hurts from his hurting and that needs to be written off and run from as a dodged train wreck.
and that… is probably actually what is causing the feeling that its wrong every time i try to just turn around, look out for my own good, and do what everyone else including him seems to think i should and just completely write him off as a mistake that had me hook line and sinker.
but…. well… that’s even harder of a feeling to fight.
how in the world do you stop believing in someone when you really do believe that they truly are an awesome person even when they are being an asshole and trying to convince you otherwise?
i know… you dont… you just move on anyway.
but that makes one heck of a massive ache having to take actions as if you dont… because there aren’t any actions he’s willing to allow you on any level that let you act on the fact that you do.