He’s just more.

tomorrow marks 7 weeks since the breakup.

a friend so kindly dropped that ache-bomb on me this morning, attempting to convince me to delete him from my facebook after a recent incident…. and telling me that if he can’t even handle having me comment on his posts after that long, then he’s never going to get over himself and his pity party enough to care that anyone cares about him at all even as a friend.

my friends think i’m absolutely crazy for not hating his guts and being completely convinced that he’s just a complete and total jerk who used me and is moving on to hunt new victims.

and i dont really blame them. i think i would probably say the same thing if it were someone else.

most tolerate it as insanity…. with the exception of the one who took it personally that i didnt take her advice.

but i just dont think i’m ever going to be convinced that he’s a heartless cruel jerk…. no matter how much he himself tells me that he is, and no matter how much he acts like one.

yes, he’s got some massive issues making him act like a total jerk.

but he is more than that behavior.

whether or not i can ever convince anyone else of that fact… or even convince him of that fact…

he just is.

he’s not acting out of his true character, he’s acting out of hurt.

beyond the general traits that attract me to him, there is just this sense…. that he is more than he shows right now.

he has got what it takes to get through… i have no doubt on that.

it’s not that i dont expect him to screw up, trust me, he’s had a few rounds that I would have been justified in being mad or thinking less of him… its not that i put him on a pedestal of being perfect…

but i believe in him.

even with everything recently… even when he is being awful and deceptive… even when he’s thinking that he can fix his hurting through things that hurrt himself and others in the process

he is still so much more than that, even when his behavior makes him look like a heartless self-absorbed jerk who could care less who else he hurts from his hurting and that needs to be written off and run from as a dodged train wreck.

and that… is probably actually what is causing the feeling that its wrong every time i try to just turn around, look out for my own good, and do what everyone else including him seems to think i should and just completely write him off as a mistake that had me hook line and sinker.

but…. well… that’s even harder of a feeling to fight.

how in the world do you stop believing in someone when you really do believe that they truly are an awesome person even when they are being an asshole and trying to convince you otherwise?

i know… you dont… you just move on anyway.

but that makes one heck of a massive ache having to take actions as if you dont… because there aren’t any actions he’s willing to allow you on any level that let you act on the fact that you do.

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Helpless no more.

A coworker and I were talking… after I’d failed to notice some paint on my arm until after I’d gotten to work.

She’s also a female in her 30’s, and we were discussing various home improvement projects we’d tackled… and ones we planned to tackle or need to tackle.

Part of this conversation had been overheard by a woman older than us… possibly in her 60’s maybe? Not real confident on my age estimation.

She informed us if we just act helpless, people will do these things for us.

The coworker and I both laughed initially… but she continued on… and we realized she actually feels that way.

I know part of it is a generational thing… but then, I know a good number of younger females who feel that way as well.

I really can’t imagine being there…. being in a place where you feel like your best avenue to accomplish something is to use your skills at making someone feel like you are helpless and need their pity to get them to do things for you.

That’s just so not the view of life that I have. And I’m grateful to have been born into an era where I have the choice to feel like I’m completely free to not take it.

Have I walked into Lowe’s and had sales staff completely ignore me when I need them to cut some boards down for me to fit for transport home? Yes.
Have I walked into a local hardware store and had someone give me this tone as if I must not have the foggiest idea what I was looking for? Yes.
Do the elderly ladies who live next to each other across the street still give me their looks of pity when they see me doing things like adding fluids to my car? Yes.

But by and large, society could care less, and just shrug.

While this lady had her list of the things she’s accomplished through her skills with people…. I have my list of things I can do for myself.

And my list… makes me feel powerful, strong, and like armed with the Internet for reference, I can accomplish anything. I am superwoman.

Not always well, not always on the first try, but I can do it.

I am capable. I don’t need to have someone else do things for me if I don’t want to.

I can light pilot lights, wire new phone jacks, replace and program thermostats, replace ceiling fans, replace the plumbing under a sink and take it apart for unclogging if needed, replace the sink entirely, replace faucets and showerheads and toilets and shower curtain rods, replace cabinets, pull up carpet, refinish floors, put frost coatings on windows, paint rooms, replace built in mirrors…. and a million more minor things.

I will soon be replacing the strip lighting in the bathroom, replacing its switch, and while I already have the power off replacing all out of outlets in this ancient house with new grounded outlets so that i can stop having to hunt down the stupid 3 prong to 2 prong adapters.

For each outlet…. this takes about, oh, a minute longer than just replacing the switchplates… its just two extra screws… moving the wires from the color coded screws of the old one to the same ones on the new one.. and putting things back the same way they were when you opened it… and was a cost of an additional 57 cents per outlet.

My mother recommended I call an electrician.

I may not agree with a lot of the feminist perspective on things…. but I do greatly appreciate my position to be able to play with power tools and not just kitchen tools.

I don’t want to love.

I’ve come to realize that if I had my choice… at this point, I don’t think that I would continue to love Prince Charming at this point.

I don’t regret the choice to keep him in my life, I don’t regret the choice to love him…

But if I could convince my heart to let go of him now, if I had an on/off switch to decide logically not to love someone and have my heart follow that choice, I would choose the off button.

l don’t need the drama in my life. I have enough to keep me busy from other sources.

I don’t need the emotional trauma.

I don’t need the mental struggles of trying to make sense of things that just keep not making sense in various ways.

I don’t need someone who sees me as something disposable and not worth effort to keep.

I would choose to make the decision to call it a day, calling it doing what’s best for my interest, calling it beyond what i can handle right now.

Calling it being sane.

My heart still won’t let me make that call… even when he’s made that call on me.

My heart is apparently completely stupid and doesn’t look out for its own well being… nor for that of my head, or of my entire stinking life.

I’ve wished for a while that someone could convince my heart that he truly is just a complete jerk… and many have tried… including him. But none have succeeded.

But I think this is the first point that I’ve directly realized that I would want away if it would let me.

Lost-ish

I feel sort of lost in left field right now.

My heart is still mostly numb… just giving me occasional waves of hints of emotion when things get strong enough.

And my head is confused. It’s been tossed this way and that way…. trying to make sense of things under this lens, then suddenly it’s trying to make sense under a different one… then suddenly a new one.

I just don’t know what to think anymore.

I was very glad for the numb yesterday while talking to him… because some of the things would have killed me otherwise. But it doesn’t tell me what I need to know right now.

I do believe him, based on the rawness of the conversation, that this is actually what the problem is…. that he’s not just trying to get attention…. that he’s not just trying to get pity..

But I don’t know what to do with that. Logically, I’m just confused at this point.

I don’t know whether to see the fact that he’s letting me into his head but still pushing me away from his heart as manipulating me with having some control and power, as some have suggested, or just the way that things are with him right now. That’s a call I would usually rely more on my heart to make.

So I’m just sort of here.

It’s a weird place.. but sort of calm…. so better than the storms of the past 6 weeks.

But still just… off.

The issues

These are the biggest issues I’m still having, based on what he has told me on reasons…

#4. If the reason is more that you feel like you have to do this phase of your life alone, why in the world are you dating? Why would you be looking to get another person to attach to you, if you can’t cope with having someone love you right now? That doesn’t make any sense. If my being involved in your life isn’t something that lets you feel like you could work on things, then if you do find someone who you like, why wouldn’t she create the exact same problem? Why would you look to intentionally be trying to find someone when you feel like you can’t have anyone close right now? That’s just intentionally hurting them.

#3. all of the long term comments on things. i asked him this point blank during the meeting. he said he didnt feel pushed. he still gave no reason why other than “i was in a lot of pain” and just dodged the question. if the feelings had faded, why make me think they were going the opposite direction? what in the world makes that make sense? i was completely fine with things being on a lower level… why talk to me about living together someday and retirement and wills and life insurance and such and get me thinking he was moving that direction, preparing myself that direction, and feeling like it was safe and stable if the feelings had actually changed? some of these
conversations were just two weeks before he ended things!

#2. i dont feel like he even gave things a fair chance before just giving up on me. absolutely no attempt made to give me any chance to see if anything could be helped instead of writing it off as hopeless. that seriously makes me feel like he never even cared, and it was just worthless to him other than as a passtime. it makes me feel like it had no importance to him at all. i know that he cares…. but this is what makes me feel like he could care less about me…. that he didnt give me any chance at all before just throwing it away. maybe it still would end up the same way, but at least give me a shot at making effort instead of just writing me off like disposable the first time things arent all horse-drawn carriages. i hadnt the foggiest idea that there even was any issue that was big enough to be a threat, let alone to be seeing if a change could be made to resolve it. people dont write off people that they care about that easily. at least give it a chance to be improved before making the call that it cant be.

#1. i lost my friend. thats really what i cant get over…. and what i cant let go of. its not the hopes of future or the relationship…not the dating or the affection… its that i lost what i had with him before we were ever dating. i know he wants space, but that what kills me. i dont get to talk to him, he doesnt even hit likes on my posts anymore let alone comment and completely ignores mine, i dont get to laugh with him and be silly, i dont have him to make me smile even when we are both having crappy days even if its just a silly chuck norris joke. i couldn’t get over that well when i lost it when he quit starwood, but at least then he was regularly emailing me and responding to my messages…. this time he is gone completely.. and totally abruptly… and at a point where he’d become my favorite person on the planet to talk to and just hang out with. how in the hell am i supposed to just get over that loss when it makes so little sense to me?

Stomping on the hornet’s nest

So, last night about 4am, I stomped on the hornet’s nest….. the same one I’ve been trying to avoid through this whole thing.

In the middle of the night, when a bit of a wave of anger has peeked through the numb a bit… it made sense to send him an email with the contents of the issues post.

I know I hurt him.

I know I made things worse.

The aftermath became visible on facebook throughout the day…. and got worse and worse.

It reached the point that I was concerned for his well being, and went over to see him…. because I knew he would just blow me off over facebook or phone.

He wasn’t happy to see me. He didn’t want to be having the
conversation…. but he lead the conversation from his well being (my intention), into one that also covered things between us (not my intention).

It was messy and raw…. but it was honest answers.

More so than the meeting…. than the phone call…

So I feel horrible. I feel like I made things worse on him…. like I unleashed the hornets that he’d been trying very hard to keep contained.

But at the same time, there’s at least a bit of peace from the answers. Nowhere near total peace… but an improvement.

There’s still some questions left unanswered…. but today wasn’t the time to address them.

Numb

So, after the lunch where he ending things again, I was in agony for a while.

But it changed over by mid-afternoon to anger.

I was furious.

I kept trying not to call him… delaying myself that I’d do it at 8… at 830… at 9… at 930…

10 was the one where I failed.

During the call, I went back and forth from mad to just completely unable to speak.

Afterwards… there was still anger… then the agony flared up again at the same time…

Then there came this feeling… that is really hard to explain.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt it before in my life.

It was just sort of an emotional exhaustion. A weariness.

It turned into this feeling like I just can’t fight anymore… but this time, not out of anguish…. but it was more of a crumbling, surrendering feeling…

And then it just faded to numb.

No agony… no anger… just an uneasy, sort of eerie calm.

A sort of welcome relief… but still very odd.

A bit later I figured out that the good times no longer held the positive emotions that they usually did either. Focusing back and dwelling on memories of him holding me no longer brought the soothing to help me fall asleep.

The physical effects remain though.

There’s still just this dull ache in my chest…. this pit in my stomach that keeps me from eating and makes me feel like i’m going to be sick when i do…. i’m still waking up about every hour or so all night long… and still this feeling of just being weighed down and like everything is moving through water or something making it take so much more effort.

But, it’s better than the agony.

So much better than the agony.