This much I know…

In the wake of the despair of the past days.. this much I know…

* That I love him deeply… more than I can explain or justify… and he’s in the top 5 if not the top 3 on people I’ve ever loved, family included.

* That he is my favorite person on the planet right now… the one who has the firmest grip on my heart to make my day better just by being in it, and that my life is much the worse for his absence from it.

* That I made the right decision to stay involved with him as a friend when my initial response to getting a better view of the state of his life was to back away.

* That I made the right decision to allow my heart to get involved, to be willing to make an exception on not dating at all as well as many life factors that otherwise would have been complete dealbreakers even if I had been dating… and to let myself be open to find that the guy who would have looked like such a mess looking at things logically would end up being the same one that seemed like a perfect gift of everything I’d sought but never found.

* That I have been a help to his life through some rough patches.

* That the relationship has been just as big of a help to me, through emotional healing, through opening my heart to trust in ways that I thought would never happen again towards a person, through showing me just how much I’ve grown and changed and become so much stronger and emotionally stable and capable of handling things so much better and what a different place I’m at now, and by just making my life happier.

* That there is a good sized list of actions, mostly recent, that aren’t easily explained outside of deeply caring, whether or not he is currently feeling like that is definable as being love.

* That this probably has little to do with me or my actions or lack of actions… as much as it would make it so much easier to try and fix if it were.

* That while I’ve made some mistakes and probably been too allowing, that I feel like by and large that I’ve done the best that I could to love him and care for him the best that I could.

* That right now, his continued near-complete absence from my life becoming a permanent thing is pretty much my biggest fear in the world.

* That even if I was only to be in his life for this short spell, that it is still a time that I have no regrets about, and don’t expect that I ever will.

* That had I known the agony I feel now was to be ahead, it still would have been well worth the journey.

* That I have little doubt that he was brought into my life by God… which follows that it was for a reason.

* That if that reason has come to a close, no amount of my pleading and crying is going to change that fact, no matter how awful I feel about that.

* That if it has not, then it is in his hands to bring healing to the situation, and use the hurt for a positive purpose in the big picture.

* That outside of that plan, there is nothing at all that I can do that is going to fix anything, or make any changes other than possibly to make a bigger pit and larger mess.

* That right now, that’s the hardest thing in the world to accept.

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