A few days ago, during the darker part of the despair… I’d been feeling like sending a particular message to Prince Charming… and so I sent it out to a collection of friends instead.
One of them replied saying just “Welcome to the bargaining stage of grief.”
And yes, the message had pretty much been a bargaining tone.
My initial response was to request a one way trip back to denial if that was the case… as I was in agony with the way things were going.
Late that night was when I figured out what was going on with the despair, and it eased up some with that help…. but I still got to thinking and consider the bargaining comment.
And though Prince Charming hasn’t been communicating to be able to really be able to bargain with him, or I certainly would if it would help… it got me thinking about if I’ve been trying to bargain with God too.
I haven’t actually been doing the classic style of bargaining…. the whole “if you make this better, I promise I will do x, y, and never do z again!”
But my prayer tone had made a big change as things had progressed.
They’d recently turned to basically begging for pity.
I’m not sure exactly where I thought that was going to go… but it honestly sounded a lot like a 3 year old not getting her way. “But I’ve tried so hard… and been so good with areas x and y and z… and you know how much I wanted this.. how very much it meant to me… and I haven’t taken it for granted… and I do my best without the benefit of having a and b and c…. please have mercy and let me have it back! please!”
What I was honestly feeling…. but not very pretty. But sort of a bargaining based on past rather than future.
Prior to this, it had been in a phase that was very much targeted at Prince Charming and not really even mentioning my feelings. I guess it sort of makes sense that if you fix the problem then the feelings aren’t an issue anymore.
So it was very focused on the sweet prince… on softening his heart and strengthening his mind… on bringing the true issues into the light and chasing away the shadows haunting him… on guidance for him through the process of sorting things out and healing his wounds… as I’d been trying to focus my near constant thoughts of him towards something more productive than just hurting at the lack of him and that worked well.
When you read some of the second wave of prayer requests… a bit over a week after the original call… they read from that vein. I wasn’t even mentioning prayer towards my heart healing or towards healing in our relationship…. I was specifically requesting it towards fixing him and assuming the rest would be fixed automatically.
(Most of the responses pretty much ignore my narrowness and reply something that includes both of us anyway…. but that wasn’t how I had requested it.)
I generally know better than this mentality… in any conflict… but I wasn’t really thinking about it… I was just reacting and trying to cope.
I know that “thy will be done” is supposed to be the approach when I don’t like the answer that looks like it might be on the horizon.
But my heart just isn’t there yet…