The meanest voice

Right now, there’s one particularly mean voice in my head that is really getting to me… that is the fastest path to tears…

It tells me variations of “He doesn’t miss you at all.”

When driving past the baseball stadium stabs my heart at the passes we’d gotten for the summer and the plans to go to quite a few games with him…. it tells me that when he takes the boys to games with the passes, it doesn’t even cross his mind where they came from.

It tells me that while I’m absolutely miserable wishing for just the slightest contact with him… that he makes friends so easily that he’s probably got a ton of them at the new job and doesn’t even think of talking to me in the slightest.

That while I’d give anything just to hang out with him for a bit, that he is happier without me… after all, he’d already been pushing me away and having no interest in time with me even before the big fallout.

That now that it’s been a full month since we’ve seen each other… that he’s probably well over it by now…. that any of the last pulls of the loss of our friendship should have stopped pulling at his heart by now.

It tells me that while my heart is shattered and my life filled with ache and longing and pain…. that he is happily moving on with his with no regrets and no looking back.

I know that this is probably not the case. I know that he did care, that he did enjoy time together, so he probably still does have at least a little bit of looking back.

But the mean voice is so very harsh and cruel… and it gets me every time. Even just typing this out.

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