Unprepared

Way back in early November or so, I had a minor emotional fit.

Someone who was a friend at my full time job had quit… and I was incredibly sad over the friendship being reduced to only online contact… and mad about some of the ways he had been treated by the company and some of the things that had been said.

Honestly, I think I was more upset about it than the friend was. I may not have quit until March, but I think my time with that company really actually ended with an email I’d received from the center director that day.

There was a bit of a meltdown that I ended up having to take a break at my part time job to get a grip… and thought I’d managed… but I was in tears off and on the entire night at the full time job, and feeling horrible to the point of almost walking out for at least a week.

This was someone who was just a friend, and that time, I expected to never have be more than a friend.

When things did change to dating later that month, I was very well aware that there were several serious issues that warned that this was going to be taking a good sized risk. None of them turned out to be an issue, but they easily could have.

I put a lot of thought into the decision to proceed and take those chances… and it’s not a decision that I regret.

But I find myself really wondering why, knowing how horribly I’d taken even just having the level of friendship reduced and being so well aware of those risk factors, it never actually crossed my mind to prepare myself emotionally for what the aftermath might be if they did occur.

At all. Completely off my radar.

If I reacted to losing his companionship on the job purely as friends worse than I reacted to most of my past relationship breakups… I really should have been expecting the fact that even a month later, it still feels like I hurt worse than I ever have in the rest of my life and doesn’t show much hope of easing up. (I know… you are all getting sick of hearing about it….)

Even if I’d known the current agony, I’d have made the same choices… it was still worth the pain…. but man, I really should have been a whole lot more aware on expecting how bad this was going to be and preparing myself for the good chance of being here.

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