Forced trust

So… the ball is in his court, and there is nothing I can do about it but sit and wait and hope and pray.

Which I know prayer does more good than anything I would actively do… but it sure feels like doing nothing.

I suppose this should be good for growth in my frustration when I feel helpless and my discomfort on relying on others… particularly ways that involve my heart.

But I have to rely on him to handle this one.

To trust him. Not only that he will do what’s right in this, but also in general.

He’s usually reliable to be counted on.

He’s always been trustworthy in his intentions towards me, and towards his character in general.

I have to trust that he is still acting from those values… that he is doing what he feels like is right…

Even as I’m feeling like I’ve been cast off and abandoned.

Deep down, I think he does feel like he’s doing what is right…. and I know that I need to trust that…. to trust him.

But I still hate being forced to do so.

I hate not being able to do anything to fix things for myself… to not be able to take control and steer the ship…

I’ve always hated being dependant and having to trust other people.

But I know I need to.

And now I’m forced to,

And without even having the added assurances from him that he has got it under control… or for that matter, even that he is actually even working on it.

Blind trust.

This, to me, is hell.

Pretty much pure torture.

I know that even should he fail me, God is still working in this… and that God is trustworthy to do what’s best for me beyond what I can comprehend.

I know that’s where my focus needs to be.

I know that’s where the hope is… where there is strength to make it through this.

But with so much turmoil in my heart right now… it’s very hard to keep my grip on that.

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