The wish to fight

During this spell, I keep remembering back to when Prince Charming left the job where we’d both worked.

I’d known that he was going to be leaving at some point in the not too distant future, but I’d been hoping he would get the internal transfer so I’d still see him.

I’d known he was planning on missing a particular day… he’d mentioned as much the night before… but towards the end of the day, i just got the feeling that he was gone.

I sent him an email, mentioning I knew he was looking elsewhere heavily but that if he found something, to please at least let those of us he was friends with at the company know so that we could say goodbye and give him a hug.

The next morning he made the facebook announcement of the new position.

I was mad at our company for not working with him… I missed his presence very greatly at work…. but I also feared that I’d completely lost him.

You see, the problems with friendships that form at work is that the vast majority of the time, it’s never the same after the common factor is removed.

I’ve had some really close friends at the time we worked together… who then it became harder and harder to stay in touch, and that I never see beyond facebook posts anymore.

I’d gotten attached to the boy… as a friend at the time… and I was not ready to let go of him yet.

And so, I decided to fight.

I decided I was going to give it all that I could to keep the connection as long as I could.

I told him my thoughts about work friendships after work connections ended… told him that I wanted to keep him in my life and didn’t want to lose the friendship just because he’d found what seemed at the time to be a better situation.

I asked him what the best way was for me to contact him without annoying him.

I sent him lots of emails, and handfuls of facebook comments…

Eventually, in one of his reply emails, he made a vague comment about needing to get together sometime.

Door open. I started asking him if he’d like to go along with me and Boo to a couple of various things, including his sons if they wanted to, purely intending it as friends.

And I got some no’s… usually with reasons why.. but then.. I got a yes. 🙂

I kept asking… still got some no, but also got the yes that would end up being the point that he asked to take things to the dating level… something that I was very happy with, but never would have expected that night.

Actually, what I’d wanted that night… was just the hug I’d requested. Because the kids had been along when we’d met before then, I hadn’t wanted to push it.

But that night, there were no kids… and I got my hug and so much more I’d have not dared to even think of asking for. Getting to kiss him was something not even on the radar yet to think I’d have a shot at getting it even if I had thought to ask for it.

But the weeks between the point of the fear of losing him and the thrill of gaining him seemed to stretch on forever… and the loneliness of work at a job I didn’t like much without my friend seemed so dark.

Of course, it was just a tiny shadow compared to the current darkness without him in my life.

But at least then, I could fight.

I could make it my objective to keep the friendship… I could chase after it… I could pursue it… I could fight for it.

He still could have closed the door… backed off… let things fade to the background as they tend to do, and as most of the other friendships for both of us that were formed at that job have already done.

The ball was still in his court more than mine, but only because I kept lobbing it over there until the flow of the game took over and it bounced freely without the intentional deliberate effort to keep it going.

Now the ball has stopped…. or at least, it’s bouncing around softly on his side where I can’t see it from the net blocking my view.

Not even soft returns now.

Nothing I can do but just anxiously wait.

And I wish for anything that I could fight… that I could give it my all and go after it.. to have some sort of feeling like I had any control at all.

But I can’t. And I don’t.

It’s his game to decide if it’s worth continuing, no matter how much I want to play.

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