I gave it permission to kill me

The past few weeks have been a massive emotional battle, to say the least.

My heart feels like it died.

It feels like life just stopped, like a car with a motor that exploded at the side of the road… just stranded in place abruptly while the rest of the world whizzes past unfazed.

It feels like even the positive things are like looking at these tiny little christmas lights…. when you’ve been outside in the bright sunlight. They are a bit brighter than the surroundings, but oh so dim in comparison to the sun that feels like it will never shine again.

It feels like this black hole just consumes my entire life…. like every time i try to do anything, it just sucks in my thoughts and feelings and just crushes them.

And more and more, it just feels like the whole world is wrong… something is not right, completely thrown off… this isn’t what things are supposed to be…. it just isn’t. It just can’t be. It’s just not right. It just doesn’t look right, doesn’t feel right… it’s just not supposed to be this way.

And logically, I know this is just pain… it ends, eventually.

I know it’s just a breakup… everyone has a few of them at least…. lots of people get their hearts crushed everyday.

I know logically that life goes on… that the trick is to just keep moving… just keep living life… just keep going and they will lessen with time.

But that’s so not what is happening.

Instead, it gets worse and worse as time passes.

It should be getting better. I should be nowhere near this upset. People don’t even get this upset when people close to them die. This is totally not where things should be.

I know logically I’m being whiny like Jonah when he lost his shade plant. I’m being a baby being this broken up over this boy.

I’m not supposed to be at the point where I want to just throw myself at my feet…. crying “don’t you have any idea just how much you mean to me? how much I’d do anything for you? how much you’ve made my life so much happier just by being in it?”

I know that’s a bad place to be. I know it’s not a power over me I should be giving to anyone, let alone someone who doesn’t even want it.

I want so much to be the strong, stable, sane person…. able to be calm and move on with life… to give him the space to figure things out, hoping he will come back, but able to be confident that life goes on and the sun will shine again even if he never looks back and never spends a second missing me at all, let alone with a fraction of the intensity of what I’m feeling.

I was, for a while, earlier in things.

But every time there’s a ray of hope that maybe the daily battles with tears are beginning to ease a little bit… that maybe there is hope I can get back to my feet again someday… it’s gone. The emotional current has swept me far away from control again.

I pray and pray… cry and cry… process and process… write and write… use about every healing trick in the book that I’ve learned from the many years of experience in therapy…

And instead of improving… I just slide further down… moving faster.

And I feel like if I could just get control over the emotional side with the logical side of things, I’d be ok.

The logical side of things knows how to pull out of this… knows how to run things… knows what’s reality and how to manage it.

But as much as I try to give it the power to run things…to push the emotions to the back seat.. it just keeps failing.

And as I wonder why I just can’t get control of this… I realize, it’s because I gave it control.

I deliberately made the decision related to Prince Charming to allow my heart and intuition to take the reigns, run wild, and to pay the consequences of wherever that lead.

What was I thinking?

Oh yeah… https://blueraindrop.wordpress.com/2013/11/27/fears/ that would be what I was thinking.

I still don’t think I’d make the choice differently now… but I’m well aware that I’m battling the consequences of that decision.

Consequences suck.

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