The next wave

Every time that I start thinking that maybe the tears are almost over… that there is starting to be a ray of dawn… that there might be a shred of hope of life going back to a liveable normal….

That seems to be when the next wave of despair feels it too… and makes sure to throw its full weight at me again.

It’s amazing how fast things can slide into a tailspin.

From the thoughts of yesterday that there just has to be more to this… you add just the suggestion I’d normally have written off… and suddenly I’m wondering if he’d already started dating the girl from high school and just wasn’t dumping me until he knew it would be stable.

It would make a lot of things make sense…. the suddenly not even bothering to let me know on changes in plans… the being too busy for even short things…

Why he didn’t seem all that upset at ending things… and why he doesn’t even seem to miss me.

But it still doesn’t explain why…

Why he would suddenly go from discussing plans for elderly parents to just 4 days later ignoring me….. why he would go from seemingly serious to willing to completely throw things away without even trying to make any effort to work on them.

Why he would go to suddenly being willing to let go of us to go for the other girl.

I’ve never had any reason not to trust him. I have absolutely no evidence on this, and am aware that there’s a good chance that I’m blindling jumping to conclusions in my attempt to grasp at straws

But then… I never would have saw this whole thing coming either…. so it makes anything start to seem possible.

The tears that had seemed to be slowing are back at full force.

The more I pray for peace with the situation, the less I feel anything even remotely in that direction.

I made the decision last week to call him on the offer to talk in person if I needed to… that he’d made very early on. So we have an appointment to meet in a week.

I’d kind of hoped that I’d feel more prepared given the time… but I feel even worse the more it goes on and even less emotionally ready.

And I become more and more scared that I’m just going to be beating my head and heart against the same wall that he’s been giving me… or that when I tell him it makes no sense again, I’m going to get even worse pushing away, as he’s done each time before when I’ve done so.

It may well end up being the worst day of my life.


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