When it comes down to it… I know that on this meeting, I need to remain calm and emotionally under control and not just dissolve into a sobbing mess.
Which, if you knew how frequently that’s happened, you’d realize is about like saying that I need to fly.
So I’m trying to figure out what triggers the emotions to go off the heaviest…. to figure out how to avoid them.
The biggest ones so far…
#1. The times I want to connect with him, but can’t.
These ones are the most frequent, but not the deepest ones.
It’s the moments when I think of something to tell him about…. the ones that I want to text him… the ones that I get a notification on my phone and am disappointed every single time that it isn’t contact from him.. and especially the times that I know he is hurting and want to reach out and hold him and make it better.
This is basically all the time. Over and over every single day.
#2. When sweet memories are very quickly followed by the realization that it will not happen again.
These ones are the ones that kill me the greatest. All of the little things that remind me of happy times with him… and there are lots… but that happy memory is so very quickly highjacked by the pain of the fact that I won’t get to be with him at that movie theater again…. won’t get to have dinner with him again… won’t get to hold his hand and walk down the sidewalk again.
There is just this loneliness…. this loss… this feeling like the sun will never shine again.
These are still pretty frequent, and they just completely kill me. These ones hit the depth of my pits of despair, and frequently dig a new bottom to it.
#3. When I realize his life moves on, but mine doesn’t.
My life feels like the last 5 weeks have just been one long moment of agony. But, I know that he is not in the same pain.
These are usually triggered when something reminds me of this… when I know he’s happy when I feel like I never will be again. When I convince myself he doesn’t miss me at all. When I feel like he’s happier now or he would do something about it.
But more and more, these can happen with anything at all related to time passing. I had a good sized crying fit the other day over just the thought that since I haven’t seen any pics of him on facebook since then, there’s a good chance he’s gotten his broken glasses replaced with a new pair right now, and I don’t even know what they look like.
And please don’t even remind me that by the time this meeting happens, we will have been broken up for 1/4 of the length of time that we were actually formally dating. The time together seems like a lifetime… the time since then has stopped… and my heart can’t handle the realization that everyone else’s world has moved on and that it’s now mid-june, not early may.
#4. When I’m faced with reminders of plans that never came to be. This was really bad when there was a festival in town that we had planned to go to together… but it hits other times too. Anything related to Chicago is bad, as we’d planned during thing summer to go up there sometime. Most things related to baseball are bad. Concerts by bands from the 80’s are bad.
I’m sure theres actually a ton more of these…. but those are the ones I’m really noticing right now that are causing the most tears.