I was recently re-reading some notes I’d taken about a particular book that I’d read that was about finding emotional healing.
One of the things that I found interesting was actually something that had been in addressing anger and rage.
The suggestion was that when it got to be impacting life at work, etc, to force it into a box.
Essentially, to set a time each day.. pick an hour or whatever… and allow the anger free reign during that time…. but when it came up during other times, to force it back.
Theory being that it gets expressed, without getting out of control all of the time.
I’ve been trying to make the same concept work on despair.
Tears are allowed before bathtime before bed…. but tried to be forced down all of the rest of the time to wait their turn.
It has had mixed luck.
Some of the small bouts, it does seem to help… but the larger ones have no interest in my box.
Though, actually, I think with giving myself the time, I’m actually crying more than I was… just in a single larger spell instead of short ones I was fighting against.
But even if the emotional outbursts are responding a bit to it… thoughts aren’t cooperating nearly as well.
I feel like he is on my mind all the time… 24/7… either on the issues, or on the fear of what may happen at this meeting, or on strategies to combat the smaller issues, or just memories and loneliness.
And yes, he did cross my thoughts frequently before in happy ways.
Maybe I just didn’t realize the extent of how much because they were happy thoughts of love that were welcomed, and not bitter jabs of despair that I’d rather didn’t exist.
But this still feels constant.
Still trying as much as I can to focus on other things… to let the worry about this ease… and to just trust. As one person told me “You are trying too hard here. Just be still”
But that isn’t working out the greatest at the moment.